- A lover is someone you have a passionate sexual relationship with. It could be a short-term fling or a longer-term arrangement.
- Unlike traditional relationships, lovers have no expectations when it comes to going on dates, romancing one another, or committing to things.
- Lover-style relationships can get messy if both parties aren’t upfront about their expectations and boundaries.
What is a lover?
A lover is a sexual partner whom you aren’t official with. If you sleep with someone repeatedly but you two don’t have any official title and you don’t really go out together, they probably qualify as your lover. A lover is less intense or committed than a girlfriend or boyfriend—and probably even a little less meaningful than someone you’re “dating”—but more meaningful than a one-night stand or quick fling. Some people use “lover” to refer exclusively to someone in an affair. This is a bit more of an old-timey convention, though. These days, it mainly describes anyone with whom you have an intense sexual relationship. The closest relationship model to “lover” is probably a “friends with benefits” thing. But with a FWB arrangement, you’re at least friends who presumably do things together. With lovers, there’s an implication that they don’t really do anything beyond sleep with one another.
How is a lover relationship unique?
A traditional relationship involves more official commitment. When you’re officially in a relationship, there’s usually a mutual agreement that you’re exclusive and support one another. This isn’t the case with lovers. A lover relationship has no “responsibilities” or requirements outside of the occasional romp in the hay. A lot of lovers won’t even really talk about anything personal once it’s established that both people are only there for sex.
Standard relationships are usually less focused on sex. With lovers, it really is all about the bedroom. There isn’t a ton of emphasis on communication, romance, or (ironically) even love. If a husband and wife suddenly stopped sharing their private thoughts, it’d likely cause some serious conflict. Lovers, on the other hand, don’t have those kinds of expectations of one another. This is why passion tends to be a very important element in lovers' relationships, and why so many people like these kinds of arrangements. This isn’t to say that lovers aren’t friendly with one another, just that there isn’t any obligation to go on dates or hang out.
Most relationships have more clearly defined boundaries. A lover relationship can mean different things to different people, while terms like “girlfriend,” “boyfriend,” or “spouse” have more concrete and universally-accepted meanings. Lovers sort of float in this ambiguous middle ground between “sex with strangers” and “not quite an official relationship.” Beyond making it clear that both parties are really only interested in sex, most lovers won’t even put the label “lovers” on the relationship.
Most long-term relationships emphasize partnership over passion. Most relationships and marriages don’t rely on near-constant excitement. People often fall into a routine, slow down on the frequent sex, and ultimately develop the partnership into something more stable and consistent. Lovers, on the other hand, are all about the heat of instant gratification. While this may make it sound like you’re choosing something boring with a stable, long-term relationship, the reality is that this kind of stability is often more fulfilling, poignant, and meaningful than sex-only arrangements.
Is a lover relationship right for you?
If you want a sexual partner without obligations, find a lover! If you want to be sexually active and not worry about the romance side of things, a lovers-style arrangement might be ideal for you. There’s nothing wrong with some harmless fun so long as you practice safe sex and you’re open and honest with your partners about the nature of your relationship. Things can get kind of messy if you sleep with someone and you aren’t upfront about not wanting a relationship, so it’s usually best to have the “this is just a sex thing” convo ahead of time. For example, you might say "I'm really only looking for a physical relationship—nothing more." Don't pursue a lover in the hopes of eventually becoming that person's partner—you shouldn't settle for just sex if you want more out of the relationship.
If you fall easily for people or you aren’t ready, it’s best to avoid it. As nice as casual sex may sound, it’s actually pretty hard for most people to have sex with someone repeatedly and not develop emotional feelings. If you tend to really fall hard for people or you don’t know if you’re emotionally prepared for a lovers-style relationship, it’s okay to sit this one out. It can also be kind of challenging to find someone who is respectful, open, honest and only interested in casual sex. If you don’t like the prospect of sorting through tons of potentially icky personalities in prospective partners, don’t bother.
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