What is an alpha widow?
The term “alpha widow” refers to a woman who is still attached to an ex. It specifically refers to women who previously dated someone who would be considered an “alpha male.” The alpha widow theory states that this man set a standard that other relationships fail to meet, so the alpha widow finds it difficult to be satisfied with her current partners. The term “alpha male” is often used to refer to men who are seen as strong, dominant, and natural leaders. That said, this concept can lead to an overly simplistic view of men’s behavior and traits, and it doesn’t have a scientific basis. According to the alpha widow theory, the man could have been a long-term partner or a casual fling. The importance of the relationship is based on the impact it had on the woman, not its duration. Meet the wikiHow Experts Erika Kaplan is a dating coach and matchmaker who works for the exclusive matchmaking company Three Day Rule. Lisa Shield is a dating coach and the host of the “Finding the Guardian of Your Soul” podcast. Joshua Pompey is a relationship expert and the founder of Next Evolution Matchmaking.
Origin of the Term “Alpha Widow”
The term was first used in Red Pill (or “manosphere”) spaces online. These online communities are made up of men who primarily discuss dating and gender roles. The concepts of alpha and beta males are central to these discussions—the idea of the alpha widow grew out of the idea that many women have previously had a relationship with an alpha male that set a standard other relationships can’t live up to. It’s important to note that online Red Pill communities tend heavily toward misogyny. In these spaces, the alpha widow is usually seen in a negative light. For instance, she might be described as “average” or depicted as an ungrateful or unsatisfied wife.
How to Tell If You’re Dating an Alpha Widow
She compares you to her ex. Relationship advisor Erika Kaplan says that “someone may be attached to an ex if they refer to that person a lot. They might compare and contrast the way you treat them or the way you two interact to that of their ex.” What you can do: Try gently reminding your partner that you’re not their ex and that every relationship is different.
She idealizes her past relationships. Licensed professional counselor Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC says that there can sometimes be a “grass is greener” mentality when people think about their exes. “That’s not a healthy habit, but it does happen sometimes. And it usually doesn’t take into account the reality of what the relationship was actually like.” What you can do: Gently ask her to focus on the present—let her know that you’re here now and doing your best to show up for her, even if you’re not perfect. Avoid criticizing her ex, since that will likely make her feel defensive.
She’s emotionally closed off. Kaplan says that “if someone’s not over their ex, they may avoid becoming vulnerable in a new relationship. This can be a sign that they’re not emotionally available.” She might struggle to commit to a future with you, or she may seem reserved during close moments, like dates or deep conversations. What you can do: Be patient and try to initiate conversations that will encourage your partner to open up to you. But follow her lead, and respect her desire for space if she’s not ready yet.
She keeps mementos that remind her of her ex. If you’re in a relationship with someone who’s still attached to an ex, she may keep tangible reminders, like pictures on her wall or gifts that her ex gave her. She may also save chats or texts from her ex on her phone. These are usually signs that she frequently thinks of her ex and possibly (maybe subconsciously) hopes they’ll get back together. What you can do: Be curious about what those memories represent to her. But don’t push her to get rid of the mementos—that should be entirely her decision.
She has high expectations in a relationship. Even if she’s not explicitly comparing you to her ex, an alpha widow may expect that all relationships will meet a certain standard. For instance, she may expect grand romantic gestures and lavish gifts, or for you to pick up the tab every time the two of you go out. She may also have expectations about your physical stature, earning power, or even your hobbies. What you can do: Show up as you are, and encourage her to accept you wholeheartedly. Make a real effort to learn what your partner likes, but if you feel like you constantly fall short of her expectations, the relationship may not be a good match.
She doesn’t express desire or admiration for you. If your partner still feels a strong attachment to her ex, she might not be ready to commit to a new relationship. You might feel like she’s “settling” for you, for instance. Or, you might feel that she’s with you because she sees future potential in you, but she doesn’t necessarily respect or admire the person you are right now. What you can do: Dating coach Lisa Shield says that it may be time to part ways “if you’re holding on to somebody that can’t give you what you want.” Both of you deserve a relationship where you’re equally invested.
How to Heal if You Are an Alpha Widow
Accept that your feelings are normal. Kaplan says, “It’s okay to accept that you have feelings for a former person in your life. You don’t just open your heart and then close it right up, and it’s very normal to have lingering feelings.” These feelings don’t mean you have to give up on dating. Kaplan says, “You can still feel heartbroken about a relationship but hopeful about finding someone new. It’s okay for those to happen simultaneously.”
Cut off any connections with your ex. Certified dating coach Allison Wellington says that if you’re struggling to get over an ex, “you need a clean, cold turkey break from that person. Sever all ties, and unfollow or block them on social media. Also, get rid of things that remind you of them, like gifts they gave you.” Shield adds, “I recommend doing some sort of ceremony to cut those ties to your ex and cleanse your energy field from that person.”
Focus on yourself and spend time with friends. Relationship expert Joshua Pompey says that the best way to get over an ex is to “stay active and busy. Surround yourself with friends and do the things you love to do. Over time, you’re slowly going to feel like life is good and fun again.” Relationship coach Cristina Morara says, “Spend time with friends who lift you up and give yourself time to feel all the feelings. Time will tell you that ending the relationship was the right decision.” Pompey also advises reaching out if you need more help: “If you’re really struggling after a relationship ends, talking to a therapist can be a huge help.”
Make sure you’re ready before you open up to someone new. According to Kaplan, “You need to feel healed enough that you can allow yourself to be vulnerable with someone else. Be sure you’re able to evaluate how you feel about your new relationship totally aside from your feelings for your ex.” Kaplan advises asking questions like, “Am I ready for this?” and “Do I feel safe enough to be vulnerable with this person?”
Don’t compare your new partners to your ex. Licensed clinical psychologist Philip Glickman, PsyD says, “If you’re on a date, avoid talking about how great your ex was—or how horrible they were. It’s important to get to a point where that’s not on the top of your mind all the time and that it doesn’t factor into any new relationships you’re in.” “It’s not healthy to let yourself continuously go down the rabbit hole of ‘What if?’” agrees Dr. Vossenkemper. “If you get into a fight with your partner and you start remembering all the great things about your ex, it won’t lead to anything good. You also have to remind yourself of all the things that weren’t good about that relationship.”
Criticism of the Term ‘Alpha Widow’
The term alpha widow tends to minimize the experiences of real women. Experiencing a painful breakup is difficult for anyone, and struggling to move on from an ex is universal. The alpha widow theory reduces that experience to the idea that women have unrealistic standards in a relationship after an encounter with an alpha male. Additionally, the term “alpha widow” often has negative connotations—specifically, that women tend to go after men who are above their attractiveness level, then hold all future partners to those unrealistic standards. Furthermore, the concept of “alpha males” is controversial—it overly simplifies human behavior and is based on a misunderstanding of the hierarchy within a wolf pack.
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