How to Support a Family Member with a Disability

Providing Help and Support to Your Relative

Pay attention to your family member's needs. Whether you live with the person you’re helping or if you just visit them from time to time, keep an eye on them to see if they need or want physical or emotional assistance. After all, if you don’t know what’s going on with your family member, you won’t be able to help them. If the person lives with you, watch them to see if they need help. If you don’t live with the person, you should call or contact them regularly to see if they’re okay and if they need help. Always make sure to respect your family member’s privacy and personal space. How closely they need to be monitored depends on their age, needs, and amount of care received from other people. For example, a young, nonverbal autistic child will need more help than a fully verbal, semi-independent autistic adult.

Provide need-based assistance. Depending on the specific disability, you can support your family member by offering assistance. Assistance can come in the form of physical help, emotional support, or short-term/long-term planning. Tailor your help to the needs you observe or hear about. For example, if your relative uses a wheelchair and has good hand strength, it would be appropriate to ask if they'd like you to move a chair out of their way, but it wouldn't be appropriate to offer to cut up their food. If they say they can do it, let them do it, and don't insist on "helping." If offering emotional support, think about spending time doing activities your relative enjoys.

Respond to a request for help or support appropriately. A very important part of providing help to a family member with a disability is the way you respond to requests for help from that person. This is important, because if you don’t respond in an appropriate way, that person won’t feel comfortable asking for help or confiding in you. If your relative asks for help with a specific activity, try to help them as soon as you can. Try not to put it off so long that the person no longer needs your help. Always be polite and gracious when the person asks for assistance. Avoid saying things like “I’m sort of busy, but I can help.” You don't want them to feel bad for having a disability. Instead, just say, "Sure, what can I do?" Make sure you are pleasant and seem enthusiastic when you are helping or talking to your relative. Ultimately, if your relative feels like they are putting you out, they won’t want your support. Keep in mind that it may be difficult and take a lot for them to ask for help.

Help your relative acquire any special equipment or resources they might need. Your relative might need disability-related resources that they don’t already have. In this case, you should do what you can to help them get the equipment or resources. Consider applying for grants for resources or equipment for your relative. See if your relative is eligible for benefits under Medicare, Medicaid, their health insurance, or other similar parties. If your relative is a veteran, they might be eligible for equipment or resources from the Veterans Administration. Help them navigate the bureaucracy of the VA to get their benefits. Don’t feel obligated to spend money you don’t have.

Demonstrate love and compassion. Ultimately, one of the most important things you’ll need to do when helping a family member with a disability is to show that you love and care about them. Without showing love and compassion, your family member may feel uncomfortable or unhappy. Try to do little things from time to time that might go above and beyond just help or emotional support. If you help a person who is immobile get food or go to the doctors, perhaps think about bringing them to their favorite restaurant or bringing them takeout. Always accept them for who they are. Don’t dismiss them and don’t dislike them because of their disability. Try to view your relative as just another person with particular needs or challenges.

Plan family events thoughtfully. One of the best ways to support your disabled relative is to plan family events thoughtfully. Whenever you plan an event, make sure to consider you relative's disability. Ultimately, you want them to be able to participate in family events just like everyone else. Consult with your relative or their primary caregiver about what locations work the best or locations that the disabled relative enjoys visiting. Be thoughtful when planning the time of the event. If your relative is best able to enjoy and participate in family activities in the morning or in the afternoon, plan for that time of day. If they have doctors appointments, plan around those appointments. Pick activities that your family member can most participate. If they are hard of hearing, avoid noisy restaurants. If they are immobile, pick an activity that does not require much mobility.

Preparing Yourself

Research your family member’s condition. Because there are so many types of disabilities, you’ll have to put a bit of effort into researching your family member’s condition so you know what you need to do to help them. While spending time learning about the disability might seem like work, it will pay dividends in the future because you’ll have a much better understanding of your relative’s needs and the challenges that they face on a daily basis. Disabilities can be physical. The main type of disability people think of when they think of people with disabilities are physical disabilities that restrict mobility. Disabilities can be emotional or psychological. An increasing number of people are being diagnosed with emotional or psychological disabilities. One common psychological disability is post-traumatic stress disorder. Disabilities can be developmental. Many people also experience learning disabilities. People with learning disabilities might require tutoring or extra help when it comes to making life choices or even choices on a daily basis.

Cultivate your patience. Ultimately, for many people who help relatives with disabilities, patience is an important virtue. Patience is necessary when dealing with many types of disabilities. This is important, because some people with disabilities (like everyone else) might not always acknowledge how much your support means to them. Avoid thinking about time constraints when you are helping or supporting someone with a disability. If you’re feeling really frustrated, chances are that the disabled person is frustrated too. You might be dealing with this when you're with them, but they have to handle it for their entire lives.

Evaluate what sort of support you can offer. While you may want to offer physical, financial, or emotional support, the amount of help you can offer your relative may be limited. This is why it is important to prepare to help your relative by evaluating what you can actually offer. Make sure to consider: Your financial limitations. Time constraints and other obligations, like work or caring for young children. If you can’t offer time, you may be able to offer financial help. If you can’t offer financial help, you may be able to offer time. If you can't offer either, maybe you can simply check in on your relative from time to time and spend a few minutes on the phone with them.

Communicating

Ask your family member if they need support. Instead of offering unsolicited assistance, you should ask your family member if they want physical or emotional support. Asking if they need and want you involved will enable you to provide help without being presumptuous and without your relative having to request help. Say something like "If you ever need help, you can count on me," or "If you ever need someone to talk to, please call me." Offer both general and specific help. Sometimes people may be shy about asking for help, or might not know where to start. It can help to offer "Would you like me to guide you to the restroom?" or, "What if I came over at 6:00 with some gluten-free lasagna?" Asking your family member if they need support will allow you to initiate a conversation about their disability without you indirectly telling them that they need help.

Listen to the person. When communicating with a person about their disability, the most important thing is to listen to them. Without listening, you won’t understand their challenges and concerns. Ultimately, listening to the person you are helping will enable you to provide help that is truly needed and appreciated. Listening to a person and allowing them to give feedback will validate their personhood. When listening to your family member, avoid thinking about what you are going to say next. Try to truly clear your mind. Focus on listening. Wait until your relative is finished to respond. Allow them the full opportunity to talk.

Coordinate with other family members. Another great way to support your disabled family member is to make sure that the rest of your family is on board with your plan. In order to do this, you should communicate with other family members and coordinate events and care to better support your disabled relative. If you're not the primary caregiver, make sure to stay in regular contact with the caregiver. The primary caregiver is probably the person who knows the needs and challenges of the disabled person best (next to the disabled person). If your disabled family member requires substantial amount of financial support, talk to your other family members about setting up a pool to share the cost of their expenses. If your disabled family member needs emotional support and companionship, talk to your family to make sure someone is always available to offer support.