Where to Find Other Gay People Offline
Attend queer-focused community events like parades. These days, many towns and cities have dedicated gay events, like pride parades or days of visibility. Check your city’s community calendar and make plans to attend the next big public event, and be sure to mingle and rub elbows while you’re there. Also be on the lookout for educational events like conferences or outreach events organized by schools and universities.
Join a gay volunteer group. Gay volunteer groups are often either focused on assembling gay people to work for a good cause, or assembling a more general crowd to work for queer causes. In either case, they’re great ways to meet like-minded and open-minded people who might just be in the market. And you’ll be making a difference while you look for love, too!
Join your local gay social club or support group. Even smaller towns tend to have gay support groups that meet regularly to talk about gay issues and living life as a queer person. While romance might not be the first thing on their agenda, it’s a huge first step to putting yourself out there and meeting other gay people. You can often find these groups on your town’s online events calendar, or by searching for them online. If you attend school or university, look into your institution’s gay-straight alliance, or queer clubs.
Attend special gay events at local businesses. Often, bars, clubs, cafes, or other businesses will have queer-friendly nights meant to attract a more colorful crowd than their usual customers. These might be things like disco nights at your local bar or dancehall, or a gay mingling or speed-dating event at the coffee shop down the street. Keep an eye out for these kinds of promotions, and be sure to take advantage of them when you hear about them. if you have a local gay bar, that’s the place to be! Most bars even allow minors, so long as you wear a wristband.
Ask your friends if they know anyone. Jbara recommends using your friend group to your advantage, and to let them “give you the confidence and the support you need.” Sometimes, the people you already know are your best resource. You might ask your close friends or family to be on the lookout for eligible gay people in their circles. Or, just make it a point to keep going to your friends’ hangouts or parties where you could meet the one.
Travel to expand your options. If you live in a small town, you probably already know that your options are limited. But traveling to the nearest big city (or just slightly larger town) can open the door to way more possibilities. Check out the usual places in these cities (gay nights at bars or cafes, social clubs, volunteer groups, parades), and do your best to show your face fairly frequently to stay rooted in the community, even if you don't live there. Also, keep your mind open to a long-distance or travel-oriented relationship. Plenty of gay people make it work!
Consider seeing a pro matchmaker. Sometimes you just need to let a professional do the legwork. A matchmaker has the skills, network, and know-how to set you up with someone, and that someone might just be the person of your dreams. Of course, it’s better if the matchmaker is local, and it’s definitely ideal if they know a thing or two about the gay dating scene.
Stay open to online spaces. We know, we know—avoiding the internet was why you clicked on this article in the first place. But the truth is that the internet has proven to be a wonderful resource for gay people looking for connection, especially those in small towns with limited community. Logging on to queer-focused forums, subreddits, Discord servers, and other spaces is a great way to connect with like-minded people, especially if you feel isolated. Also, plenty of real-life relationships have started as long-distance online friendships! The key to is keep an open mind and let love take you wherever it will.
Starting a Relationship Without a Dating App
Focus on making friends first. When you’re looking for love, it rarely pays to come on strong. When you first meet someone, try not to think of them as a potential partner, and instead just focus on learning about them and becoming their friend. If you click, romance might follow. If not, you’ve made a new connection who might be able to introduce you to other romantic options. This way, you have more time to Find out if they’re also gay, if they don’t tell you up-front. Plus, if you shoot your shot at romance and it doesn’t work out, you might’ve burned a bridge to other connections.
Keep your mind (and your network) open. Jbara notes that gay dating isn’t always easy, but the name of the game is acceptance. Gay people have it harder when it comes to romance, since there just aren’t as many options out there. If you stick too closely to a checklist of everything you want in a partner, you’re more likely to pass by someone who’d make a fabulous companion, even if they’re not your dream person at first glance. Keep your mind open, and let yourself be surprised by people. That also goes for everyone else you meet. Just because someone isn’t available doesn’t mean they wouldn’t make a great ally.
Stay as visible as you’re comfortable with. It’s easier to meet and connect with other gay people if you’re visibly gay, but depending on where you live, that might be a bit of a risk. Don’t put yourself in danger if you’re not ready for it. Live true to yourself, but also protect yourself! Open up to people once you get to know them better, and trust other gay people’s gaydar to clue them in to your identity.
Pop the question when you’re comfortable. This is where gay dating is like any other kind of dating! Once you find someone you like, it’s time to make your move. It doesn’t have to be a big deal: just tell them you like them, and you’d like to spend more time with them. Make it clear it’s a date, but also don’t put too much pressure on them. For example, say, “I really enjoy talking to you! Would you be down for a date this weekend?” or, “I feel a great connection with you, and was wondering if you’re open to dating someone right now.”
Trust that love will find you when it’s meant to. It's tempting to want to rush into things, but it’s not a good idea to try and rush love, no matter how anxious or impatient you get. True, you need to put in your own effort, but at the same time, remember that love will happen when it’s ready to happen. In the meantime, there’s a whole world outside of romance to explore and enjoy. While you look for love, focus on finding and improving yourself. That way, when you meet the one, you’ll be ready for them.
What’s the problem with dating apps?
It can be hard to truly connect online. Dating apps make something of a game out of romance. It’s like a virtual game show, where some people win and some people lose, but romance isn’t really like that, and starting a romance that way can set you up for failure in the long run. It’s artificial, and while love in the real world has its own hurdles, it’s always one thing for certain: real. That’s not to say that dating apps can’t or never work. Many healthy relationships have started on the apps. Just that it’s not exactly the ideal way to find the right person for you. Dating apps are also impersonal. A profile is not the same as a person, and can set up false expectations.
Dating apps can hurt your self-esteem and mental health. Dating apps often force you to make value judgements on people you don’t even know. You swipe left or right based on their appearance or initial vibes, and they’re doing the same for you. And they might not even be who they say they are. That’s not a healthy way to interface with people, or with yourself, but it’s the norm on dating apps. Real life can be just as shallow, don’t get us wrong, but it’s harder to discount someone who’s sitting across a table from you, as opposed to on the other side of a screen.
Many people on dating apps aren’t looking for the same thing. The people on dating apps are a mixed bag. Many users just want a short-term or temporary fling. Which is great! But when you’re dedicating your time and attention to finding love, making sure you’re talking to someone whose aims align with yours is a tedious extra hurdle to overcome.
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