- Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse designed to make you feel “crazy,” as if you don’t understand what’s happening around you.
- A person who gaslights you will also try to make you feel like your thoughts, feelings, and observations are always wrong.
- Subtle gaslighting can be hard to detect. However, one major sign of gaslighting is when someone’s actions never match their words.
- Respond to gaslighting by affirming your point of view and self-worth. If a person won’t stop gaslighting, it may be difficult to have a healthy relationship with them.
They tell obvious lies and get mad if you don’t believe them.
They might claim to make more money than they really do. Or they say they were a straight-A student when you know they flunked a class. If you call them out on their lies, they reply with things like, “You don’t know what you’re talking about” or “You’re remembering this all wrong. You do that a lot, huh?” When someone lies, you have no obligation to humor them. Tell them that you don’t believe they’re being honest. If they tease or get angry with you, be assertive and firm. Tell them that they have no right to mistreat you.
Their actions don’t match their words.
They might say “I love you” but then ignore your texts. They might promise to see you this weekend only to change plans at the last minute. They do this sort of thing a lot, and it’s becoming hard to believe what they say, even if it’s what you’re hoping to hear. Call out inconsistent behavior when you see it and don’t back down. If a person says one thing and does another, they are being disingenuous. You can say “When your actions don’t match your words, it hurts me badly. I need you to stop doing this.”
They project their insecurities onto you and others.
Maybe they accuse you of cheating because they fear being cheated on. Maybe they call the neighbor stupid when in fact, they worry they’re not smart enough. Whatever the specifics, they are constantly seeing the worst of themself in other people. Another person’s insecurities are not your responsibility. While it’s true that everyone feels insecure about some things, nobody has a right to project their insecurities onto others. If someone projects their insecurities onto you, reply by saying, “That’s not true. I think you’re projecting.” They might also be trying to use their insecurities to put you down or to cause doubt in yourself to make themselves feel better.
They’re popular among strangers and acquaintances.
They put on a likable and charming persona in public. Others might enjoy their company and believe they’re a wonderful person. This can make it hard for people to understand your worries or frustrations. Remember that the way a person treats you in private is just important as their public behavior. If someone is gaslighting you or behaving abusively in private, you have a right to defend yourself, no matter what others may believe.
They pull you away from other people.
They don’t like when you see your friends. They’ll guilt with statements like, “Why do you spend time with those losers?” or “Guess I’m not as important to you as they are.” Over time, you feel guilty and begin to withdraw from other relationships. No single relationship can replace all your friendships and connections with others. Your friendships are just as important as any relationship. If someone is pulling you away from your friends, defend yourself by saying, “My friends are important to me. I need them in my life, and I need you to be OK with that.”
They accuse you of terrible things, without evidence.
They’ll say things like “I know you flirt with him when I’m not around!” They’ll act like they can read your mind with statements like “You secretly think about him all the time. You can’t fool me.” They won’t listen when you insist they’re wrong, no matter how hard you try. Nobody has the right to call you a liar when you’re telling the truth. It doesn’t matter how upset they are, or if there’s been a misunderstanding. If someone falsely accuses you of lying, respond firmly by saying “I’m not lying. I know for a fact that what I’m saying is true.”
They deny things, even if you show them proof.
They won’t admit calling you stupid, even if you show them the text. They claim they didn’t run late to dinner last week, but in fact, they were over an hour late. If you show them proof, they’ll accuse you of trying to make them feel bad, or they’ll insist you’re making it up. Trust your instincts and believe your own eyes. If you see, hear, or learn about something and you know it’s true, you’re entitled to believe it—even if it makes somebody upset. If somebody denies their words or actions, you have a right to stand by the truth. Respond with, “I clearly remember you saying/doing this. Please don’t deny it.”
They withhold approval or affection.
They refuse to accept an apology, even when you’re sincerely sorry. Or they ignore your new outfit after mocking the previous one you were wearing. By the time they accept your apology, you’ve said sorry dozens of times. And as for the change of outfit, they’ll save their compliment for when you’re angry at them about something else. Withholding approval or affection is a form of abuse. These things should be given out freely, not as rewards for giving someone what they want or as a way of avoiding conflict. If someone behaves this way, insist on being treated with respect. “It’s not right for you to only be kind to me when you want something, or to make me beg for your kindness.”
They minimize your feelings or dismiss them altogether.
They’ll say “You overreact to everything” or “You’re so irrational.” Your feelings are never valid in their eyes. But no matter what they say or how they treat you, they insist that their feelings are always valid. Everyone’s feelings matter, just as everyone is responsible for their own feelings to a certain degree. If a person minimizes how you feel, insist that your feelings are valid and important. “I have a right to feel the way I do. Please don’t be dismissive.”
They make you feel like you’re wrong about everything.
They might say “You’re so thick. You don’t get it.” If you defend yourself or get angry, they might reply with “You’re so cruel,” or “You just want me to feel guilty.” They insist you’re always wrong, and they’re always right. Nobody is “always right” or “always wrong.” If someone makes you feel like you’re wrong about everything, respond firmly with, “I have a valid point of view and deserve to be heard.”
They verbally dominate you.
They often talk over you or interrupt you. In group settings, they won’t let you get a word in. When you’re alone with them, they mock you, finish your sentences, or claim they already know what you’re trying to say. They like to be in control and they won’t let you have an equal voice. It can be difficult to participate in group conversations when someone won’t let you speak. But in 1-on-1 settings, you can more easily interject by asking “Can I please get a word in?” In some cases, you can interrupt when you’re being interrupted. “Excuse me, please let me finish.” You can also respond directly with, “Please don’t interrupt me.”
They tease you constantly, and they seem to mean it.
They make fun of your clothes, friends, makeup, or the way you laugh. “You’re a chubby little thing, but that’s OK,” they’ll say, or “Your hair used to look nice.” They might say they’re “just kidding,” and that you should just relax. But they refuse to stop, even when they hurt your feelings. Teasing is a form of bullying. While friends, romantic partners, and family members sometimes affectionately tease each other, you have a right to ask someone to stop if they’re making you uncomfortable. You can say “Please don’t tease me” or “I really don’t enjoy it when you tease me.”
They make you feel crazy or delusional.
After all the mindgames, you start to wonder if you’re going nuts. You begin to ask yourself, “What if they’re right? What if I’m just too sensitive or slow or chubby? Maybe I really am overreacting.” You start doubting yourself about everything. You’re not crazy or delusional. Gaslighting makes you feel this way because your thoughts and feelings are constantly being questioned. Remind yourself, “I’m not crazy.” If possible, say it to the person who is gaslighting you. “I’m not crazy. What you’re doing is wrong.”
They wear you down until you give in.
After a while, you stop arguing because you know they won’t listen. You stop telling them when you’re upset because you know they won’t change their behavior. When they lie, you don’t call them out on it, because they won’t admit the truth anyway. While nobody wants to “give in,” it’s possible that a person simply won’t change. If so, you’ll have to decide whether or not to remain close to this person. Sometimes, leaving makes sense. But you can also confront them with an ultimatum. “If things don’t change, we may need to go our separate ways.”
They turn others against you.
They spread rumors about you, or make you look like a bad person. Or they make themselves out to be kind, sincere, and not abusive. Others take them at their word, leaving you feeling lonely and defensive. Without the full context, it’s unlikely that other people will see things your way. However you can still confide in friends and family members who trust and know you well. If possible, tell friends and family members about what’s going on. They might be able to offer support, including helping you confront the person who is gaslighting you—or helping you end the relationship altogether.
They always want to be the center of attention.
They get upset when you don’t let them dominate the conversation. They become distracted or annoyed when you talk about yourself, unless you let them take over. They don’t value your opinions, unless you’re offering them praise or emotional support. Narcissism is commonly associated with gaslighting. People who are narcissistic have a need for constant attention and become uncomfortable or irate when they don’t get it. If possible, confront the person by saying, “I have opinions too. I want to feel heard, just like you do.” Narcissism is a version of self-absorption, and gaslighting is often a way a self-absorbed person maintains their sense of self. It is rare for someone to gaslight intentionally. Most narcissists would never classify themselves as narcissists. If you feel you are being gaslit, one of the best things to do is to journal those things. So that you can have a look at it when the emotional waves have settled and know whether it is happening.
They make you feel alone.
They undermine your confidence and trust in others. You doubt your own opinions and self-worth. You find yourself spending less time with friends. And if you do see your friends, you might feel too ashamed to explain what you’re going through. Stay connected with other friends and family as much as possible. Healthy friendships both improve your mental health and nurture your self-worth.
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