What to Say (and Not Say) to a Mother Whose Child Has Passed Away

Comforting Words for a Mother Whose Child Has Died

“I think a lot of people struggle with knowing what to say,” Marsh points out. It’s tough to know what to say when someone has passed, especially when that person is a child. Words will never be enough to heal a grieving mother’s pain, but a message expressing your condolences, offering support, and sharing how much you’ll miss her child may offer her some comfort. Let the child’s mother know you’re there for support when she needs it with these messages: I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm sharing in your sadness and thinking of you during this difficult time. We’ll never forget your precious little one, who was a bright star in all of our lives. Please let us know how we can support you and your family right now. I know it feels like the world will never be a happy one again. It will, eventually. But until then, know I’m with you every step of the way as you process this enormous loss. We will never forget [name], whom you loved so well. I know your grief must seem insurmountable. You might feel as if it will never fade—but it will, I promise. And in the meantime, you’re not alone. Please know that I'm thinking of you and praying for you. This is beyond difficult. How do we make sense of the loss of such a beautiful soul? My heart goes out to you, and I send my heartfelt sympathy to you at this sad time. Although you may feel all alone while you’re navigating [name’s] passing, remember you’re surrounded by people who love you and who will be by your side through it all. The sky is so dark for you right now; I hope the clouds open soon and the sun comes out. Please know I'm available for grocery deliveries, kid pickups, babysitting, making dinner—whatever you need. I hope that, even though your world is so dark right now, you are soon able to see some light in the memories you had with your loved one. The world has taken your most precious love, and my heart is broken for you. We are praying for you and love you. Night or day, let us know how we can best support you and yours, whether it’s driving the kids to and from school, running errands, or just being by your side as you navigate a path through this tragedy. Please know that I'm thinking of you. These are trying times, and I'm here for you if you ever need me, no matter the hour. Be kind and gentle with yourself, and remember none of this is your fault. Take your time. You have my deepest condolences and support. Deepest sympathies. I am so sorry for your loss. Sending you positive thoughts and lots of prayers. You're in my thoughts. Let me know if I can help with anything. There's no wrong way to grieve. I’ll never forget your little one. Thinking of you today and every day. I'm here if you need me. Sending my most heartfelt sympathy to you and your family. When you are ready, I am here for you. I don't know how you feel, but I am here to help in any way I can. Grief is such a complex part of life, and everything you're feeling right now is normal, even though it seems strange and is so difficult to navigate. I'm praying every day for your comfort and for you to be able to find joy again. I love you. Wishing you all the peace and comfort possible. Cherish all of your wonderful memories. I'm here for you. Sending you a virtual hug. I'm here for you! I'm so sorry for your loss. Please don't hesitate to call if I can help with anything. Thinking of you and hoping there is sunshine in your life soon. I'm just a phone call or a text away. Please don't hesitate to reach out. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Sending you all the love I can. Grief is a journey, and I'm here for you every step of the way. Lean on me; I'm happy to be your shoulder to cry on. Meaningful tip: Say the child’s name in your message—she won’t get to hear it as much anymore, and may appreciate hearing it from you.

The death of a child is hard on its own, but if they were very young when they passed, or if they died unexpectedly or tragically, their passing may be all the more difficult to process. Consider sharing these words of condolences with a mother whose child has died unexpectedly or tragically, or who has lost a baby or miscarried: After a sudden loss: “Sadly enough, the most painful goodbyes are the ones that are left unsaid and never explained.” ― Jonathan Harnisch We’re so shocked and saddened to learn about [name’s] passing. If there is anything at all we can do to support you and yours at this time, please, let us know. We’re here with you, and we love you. There are no words to convey how terrible this is. You are in my prayers. No one can ever prepare us for the loss of a loved one, especially when it comes so suddenly. Your strength is admirable. Remember that I'm here for you. Want to chat with people who know exactly what you’re going through? Check out our wikiHow forum on what to say to someone when their loved one dies. After a tragic loss: Please know that however you're feeling right now—sad, numb, guilty, tired, angry—it's normal. There's no right way to feel. I love you and am so sad that you're going through this. I want to be present for you, but I don't know how. Please know I'm thinking of you and praying for you, and if there's anything else I can do, don't hesitate to let me know. Praying for you and your family. Let me know if I can do anything more. The phrase "there are no words" seems like the only thing that fits right now. I cannot fathom what you're going through, but I love you and am thinking of you. This is the most terrible thing that could have happened, and I cannot believe that it happened to you, such a fantastic person. It's horrible and so unfair, and I'm so sorry. Meaningful tip: Think about what you would (or wouldn’t) want to hear in a similar situation. Everyone grieves differently, but if you’re unsure what to say, contemplating how you might feel in the same situation may guide you to a genuine, thoughtful message. After the loss of a baby: Life seems incredibly cruel and arbitrary right now; I cannot find meaning in what has happened. I love you and will be thinking of you and praying for you. If I can do anything more, please let me know how I can help. It’s so unfair that we had only a short time with [name]. But I am so happy I got to meet them. You were such a wonderful mother—and you will always be their mother. You were such a fantastic mother to baby [name]. I am so grateful to have gotten to meet them. Even though your time together was short—far too short—they made an impact on the world that won’t be soon forgotten. “Sometimes the smallest things take up the most room in your heart.” ― A.A.Milne I know everything looks impossibly dark right now, but I know you will come through the other side and survive. This isn’t the end. Take as long as you need—I am right by your side. After a miscarriage: “Being an almost mother isn’t a thing. You have children, whether they made it here or not doesn’t take away from the fact they existed. They were yours, and they were loved fully if only for those small moments.” — Brittainy C. Cherry Your baby was loved and wanted, even if they were briefly here. There is no shame in feeling sad, angry, or confused. Please know miscarriage is not your fault. I’m so very sorry that you have lost your baby. Would you like me to bring you a meal or help with errands? If you’d like, I can share some resources on miscarriage support groups or therapists. “A person's a person, no matter how small.” ― Dr. Seuss

What to Say to a Grieving Mother

Share genuine words of sympathy, and offer your support. It’s hard to know what to say when someone you care about is in the throes of deep grief, especially if their loss was unexpected or tragic. Keep these tips in mind as you navigate what to say to a grieving mother: Offer sincere condolences. Words will never be enough to heal her pain, but sincerity and genuine sympathy will go a long way, even if all you say is, “I’m so sorry for your loss.” Remind her she isn’t alone. Grief can be so isolating, especially if you don’t know anyone who has gone through the same sort of loss. Remind the mother that you’re by her side while she finds a way forward. Be honest when you’re not sure what to say. Often, just being there for emotional support is enough. Be comfortable with silence. She may not know what to say, or may not feel like talking. Try to be comfortable sitting in silence together—your presence will likely offer her some peace. Offer general and specific support. Let her know you’re there for whatever she may need—but also offer specific help, like, “I can walk your dog every day this week,” or “Let me bring you dinner tonight.” Assure her it’s not her fault. Many mothers feel responsible when their child dies, even though their guilt is hardly ever justified. Assure her that she was a good mother, that she took good care of her child, and that nobody blames her for what happened. Don’t be afraid to show emotion. It’s an emotional time, and while your instinct may be to stay strong for the mother, it may help her to see what an emotional impact her child’s passing has on others. (However, be careful not to focus on your own emotional experience over hers.) Share how much you were impacted by her child’s life. If you knew her child, let her know how much you’ll miss them, and consider sharing a special memory you have of them.

What Not to Say to a Grieving Mother

Avoid judging her grieving process or offering platitudes. It’s hard to see someone you care about dealing with a death, especially one so painful as the death of her child. Even if you mean well, some words and actions can actually make her feel worse. Here’s what to avoid: Avoid telling her she’s grieving the wrong way. One of the most important things you can do now is to let her process her grief in whatever way comes naturally to her—even if it’s difficult to witness or doesn’t make sense to you. Avoid expecting her grief to follow a specific timeline. Understanding the stages of grief can be helpful to some people who are processing loss, but keep in mind that not everybody follows these stages, or follows them precisely. Healing takes time, and it’s messy, and it’s rarely linear. Don’t say “I understand what you’re going through.” Even if you’ve endured a similar loss, remember that no two losses are the same, and that everyone experiences grief differently. If you’ve said this, you surely meant well, but what she may hear is that her situation isn’t unique, and she may feel as if her grief is being trivialized or even co-opted. But remember that saying the opposite—“I can’t even imagine what you’re going through”—is probably also not helpful. As a general rule, try not to focus on how you feel about the situation. Don’t tell her “everything happens for a reason.” While it can be tempting to believe that there is a purpose to even the most heartbreaking tragedies, this sentiment often comes across as insensitive or even dismissive. Suggesting there’s a “reason” for the loss of a child won’t make their passing any easier for the mother, and she may even resent the idea that there could be a “need” for the loss of her child. Some people voice this sentiment in an (often unconscious) attempt to assuage difficult feelings of grief or depression, but remember that there are no shortcuts through grief: it must be worked through. In this vein, avoid telling her the child is “in a better place” or that it was “God’s will.” If the mother says this first, however, it may be safe to express a similar sentiment. Avoid bringing up religion if she isn’t religious. If you’re religious, it may be helpful for you to approach loss from a spiritual perspective. But if the mother of the child who has passed isn’t religious, expressing religious condolences may come off as insensitive. This doesn’t mean you can’t pray for her yourself—however, avoid focusing on your faith when offering condolences. Some nonreligious people still appreciate hearing that you’re praying for them or reading religious scripture in difficult times, but know that not all will, and respect that. EXPERT TIP Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor Rebecca Tenzer is the owner and head clinician at Astute Counseling Services, a private counseling practice in Chicago, Illinois. With over 18 years of clinical and educational experience in the field of mental health, Rebecca specializes in the treatment of depression, anxiety, panic, trauma, grief, interpersonal relationships using a combination of Cognitive Behavioral therapy, Psychodynamic therapy, and other evidence-based practices. Rebecca holds a Bachelor of Arts (BA) in Sociology and Anthropology from DePauw University, a Master in Teaching (MAT) from Dominican University, and a Master of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Chicago. Rebecca has served as a member of the AmeriCorps and is also a Professor of Psychology at the collegiate level. Rebecca is trained as a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist (CBT), a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional (CCTP), a Certified Grief Counseling Specialist (CGCS), a Clinical Anxiety Treatment Professional (CCATP), and a Certified Compassion Fatigue Professional (CCFP). Rebecca is also a member of the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Society of America and The National Association of Social Workers. Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor Everyone responds differently to grief. The grief process will start, stop, and continue for everyone at different speeds, with diverse emotional responses attached each step of the way. There is no right or wrong way to grieve a loved one and no instruction manual for the journey.

What to Text a Grieving Mother

Send a text that conveys your sympathies and lets her know you’re there for anything she may need. Whether she needs a shoulder to cry on or someone to help her in more practical ways, send a text that expresses how sad you are for her loss while making it clear you’re there for support. Our hearts are breaking for you. Wishing you comfort in this dark time. We’re always here for you. I’m here for you whenever you need me. I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m so sorry for your loss. Please, call or text, day or night—my ringer is on. I love you. We are so sorry for your loss. Any time of day or night, I’m here for you, whatever you need. You know me—I’m a night owl, I’m always awake. Whether it’s midnight or 4 in the morning, I’m just a call or text away. Our prayers and thoughts are with you. We will always remember your little one. Sending our sympathy and well wishes. Is it OK to text your condolences? According to Marsh, it depends. “A phone call probably is preferred, but it all depends on the person,” she says. “Some people certainly would prefer text. Some people would complain that during this time [a text] would come across [as] impersonal. So it's really [about] knowing that person.” Want to hear from readers who have been in your shoes? Check out our wikiHow forum on how to comfort somebody over text.

Quotes to Comfort a Mother Who Has Lost a Child

If you’re not sure what to say yourself, consider turning to wise public figures for insight. Use one of these comforting quotes about grief and death for inspiration, or send them directly to the mother of the child who has passed: "What cannot be said will be wept." — Sappho “Those we love and lose are always connected by heartstrings into infinity.” — Terri Guillemets “To lose a child is to lose a piece of yourself.” ― Dr. Burton Grebin “A mother's grief is as timeless as her love.” ― Joanne Cacciatore “Tears are the silent language of grief.” — Voltaire “Unable are the loved to die. For love is immortality.” — Emily Dickinson “There are words like ‘orphan’, ‘widow’ and ‘widower’ in all languages. But there is no word in any language to describe a parent who loses a child. How does one describe the pain of ‘ultimate bereavement’!”― Neena Verma “Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.” ― Unknown “There's no tragedy in life like the death of a child. Things never get back to the way they were.” ― Dwight D. Eisenhower “A life may last just for a moment, but memory can make that moment last forever.” ― Unknown “There are no goodbyes for us. Wherever you are, you will always be in my heart.” ― Gandhi “We do not "get over" a death. We learn to carry the grief and integrate the loss in our lives. In our hearts, we carry those who have died. We grieve and we love. We remember.” ― Nathalie Himmelrich “Mourning is one of the most profound human experiences that it is possible to have… The deep capacity to weep for the loss of a loved one and to continue to treasure the memory of that loss is one of our noblest human traits.” ― Shneidman "Death is nothing else but going home to God, the bond of love will be unbroken for all eternity." — Mother Teresa "It is not length of life, but depth of life." — Ralph Waldo Emerson ”Some things in life cannot be fixed. They can only be carried.”― Megan Devine ”And when great souls die, after a period peace blooms, slowly and always irregularly. Spaces fill with a kind of soothing electric vibration. Our senses, restored, never to be the same, whisper to us. They existed. They existed. We can be. Be and be better. For they existed.” ― Maya Angelou "Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it." — Helen Keller “We never lose our loved ones. They accompany us; they don’t disappear from our lives. We are merely in different rooms.” ― Paulo Coelho

Biblical Words of Comfort for a Mother Who Has Lost a Child

If she’s religious or spiritual, consider sending a message that highlights the importance of faith in times of enormous grief. Send a Bible verse or a message inspired by scripture, or let her know you’re praying for her well-being at this difficult time. Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. — Matthew 11:28-30 Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him. — Psalm 126:5-6 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. — Isaiah 41:10 But he knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold. — Job 23:10 The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace. — Psalm 29:11 Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall. — Psalm 55:22 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. — Isaiah 43:2-3a I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel, who summons you by name. — Isaiah 45:3 Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know. — Jeremiah 33:3 Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, The Lord is my portion, therefore I will wait for him. — Lamentations 3: 21-24 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. — 2 Corinthians 1: 3-5 The Lord your God is with you, and he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing. — Zephaniah 3:17 Record my lament; list my tears on your scroll — are they not in your record? — Psalm 56:8 My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken. — Psalm 62:1-2

What to Say on Mother’s Day to a Mother Who Has Lost a Child

Send her a message that reminds her she’ll always be a mother, even though her child isn’t around anymore. Mother’s Day can be especially difficult for mothers who have lost a child, but a sympathetic message letting her know that you’re thinking of her and the little one she lost on this holiday may comfort her. I know you loved them very much, and it's hard to imagine life without them. You must be feeling everything from numbness to anger, from sadness to frustration, and everything in between. We don't have to talk at all if you don't want to; I'm happy to just drop off groceries on your doorstep if that's what you need. Happy Mother’s Day. Your little one was so precious and such a blessing. We miss her. You will always be their mother, no matter what. Thinking of you today. I see you today. I know you might be struggling with a lot of “what ifs” and “should bes” today, but know that no matter what, you’re still their mother, and you always will be. Finding your way to a new normal will be difficult, I'm sure. I'd love to help with errands, babysitting, washing dishes, picking up groceries, or whatever else you need. I know these daily tasks can seem incredibly overwhelming in the wake of a loss. If I can help in any way, please know that I'm only a text away. I know this is a tough day, but know you’re not alone. I see you, and I’m here for you. Happy Mother’s Day, Mama. Though I will never know the pain you're feeling, please know I'm here for you. At any hour, I'm just a phone call away. I know your world is so dark right now. Sending you light through my love. I'll always be there for you.

What to Write in a Sympathy Card for a Grieving Mother

Send her a personal, genuine, and supportive message. Let the mother know you’re there if she needs you, and if you knew her child personally, that you’ll miss them dearly, and consider citing personal memories about her child. Here are some general items you may want to include in your sympathy card message: Express your condolences. Let her know how sorry you are for the death of her child. Wanda, I was so sorry to hear about the loss of baby Birdie. She touched so many lives. Anya, I can’t tell you how sorry I am to hear about your loss. Jamar’s passing is a pain that no words could heal. Share a short anecdote about their child. She’ll likely feel comforted to know what an impact they made on others. I’ll never forget when I made pie for the kids, and Enola ate the whole thing herself when none of us were looking! She was such a silly girl. I’ll always remember the way Raul smiled when he saw me—like he’d never stop grinning! What a happy child. We’ll all miss him terribly. Offer your support (and be specific). If you’re short on space or time, “I’m here for whatever you need” may suffice, but if possible, give her specific examples of what you can and will do to support her—this removes the burden from her shoulders to figure out what you can do for them. I’ve already rearranged my schedule so I can shuttle the other kids to school this week. Let me know if and when you need me! I’ll be bringing over a casserole this Thursday—chicken and rice. I know that was little Josey’s favorite. Sign off warmly and respectfully. Always, Joan With love, Angus

How to Show Support to a Grieving Mother

There are many ways to support a grieving mother besides expressing condolences. Offering actionable, practical assistance is just as important as showing you’re available for emotional comfort, but a mother enduring the loss of her child will likely need as much love and support as she can to navigate the depths of grief. Consider showing you’re there for her in the following ways: Offer practical support. Marsh says, “One of the things that you can always say to a person [who’s grieving] is what can I do to help in some kind of way? How can I be of service or assistance to you during this critical time?” For instance, cook for her and her family, do chores, help her take care of any other children she has, assist in planning a memorial service if you’re close to the family, or run errands for her and her family. Distract her from her grief. “Sometimes people who suffer loss might just need a distraction from the grief itself,” Marsh suggests. Grief can be all-consuming, but you can help alleviate some of the burden by taking her to the movies, sending her funny memes or jokes, inviting her on a trip, or doing something else to take her mind off of things, at least for a little while. Just listen. In the end, nothing you can say or do can take away her pain. But just being there to listen and offer emotional support can be of enormous help. “Sometimes you don't have to say anything,” Marsh says. “But being a listening ear to that person can go a long way.”

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