Pushing People Away: Why It Happens & How to Stop

The Psychology Behind Pushing People Away

Fear of rejection This is one of the major reasons behind pushing others away. The person may have a history of feeling rejected and is trying to avoid another personal tragedy. They may have initially experienced rejection at the hands of neglectful parents and have carried that pain with them their entire lives—sometimes, without even realizing it. Meet the wikiHow Expert Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP is a clinical therapist with over 18 years of clinical and educational experience in the field of mental health, specializing in the treatment of depression, anxiety, panic, trauma, grief, and interpersonal relationships. Fear of abandonment can be considered a version of fear of rejection.

Low self-esteem When a person has damaged self-esteem, they may believe that they’re undeserving of healthy, loving relationships. This causes them to shut someone out before the person inevitably hurts them. People with low self-esteem often expect rejection because they fail to find any worthy qualities in themselves and assume others won't find any, either.

Trust issues Pushing people away is a learned behavior that often begins in childhood. When a child has an emotionally unavailable parent who constantly lets them down, they grow up learning not to trust others. They keep other people at arm’s length because they’re used to being disappointed. They naturally expect the same behaviors their parents displayed from everyone they meet, leading them to cut people off before they get too close in an effort to prevent getting hurt.

Social anxiety A person with social anxiety may fear being judged or have a general aversion to uncomfortable social situations, resulting in self-isolation. They may push others away and choose solitude over the risk of embarrassing themselves or having to engage in otherwise unpleasant or uncomfortable interactions.

Unresolved trauma Pushing people away can be a coping mechanism for dealing with past trauma. The trauma may stem from an unstable childhood or from a previous relationship, in which they felt mistreated or betrayed. Unresolved trauma can bleed into personal relationships, causing conflict and continuing the vicious cycle of pushing others away.

Avoidant attachment Pushing people away is often linked to having an avoidant attachment style. An avoidant attachment style is characterized by a fear of commitment, emotional detachment, and the need for independence and freedom. Often, avoidant adults begin as neglected children who were not free to express themselves, leading to stunted emotional development that makes it harder for them to forge meaningful relationships. If an avoidant person does enter a committed relationship, they tend to pull away when things start getting too serious. Avoidants may want to be in relationships or around other people, but have a tough time shaking off their avoidant nature, whether it be due to fear of rejection, low self-esteem, social anxiety, or all of the above.

Communication issues If the person in question has an avoidant attachment style, communication issues are sure to surface. An avoidant is naturally predisposed to, well, avoiding others, as well as talking about their feelings. This reluctance to communicate openly and honestly out of fear of vulnerability can seriously impair relationships since trust usually only thrives as a result of being vulnerable with others. Communication issues can manifest as terse answers to questions, failing to ask follow-up questions, and not texting back for days, weeks, or months at a time.

Signs You're Pushing People Away

You’re keeping your distance. Creating emotional and physical distance between you and loved ones is a red flag. If you’ve started bailing on plans with friends or your significant other for no real reason, you may be trying to protect yourself by isolating yourself. This is a classic avoidant move, as people with this attachment style prefer to be alone by choice rather than expose themselves to being rejected or abandoned. If you feel like pulling away is keeping you “safe” emotionally, you may struggle with being vulnerable.

You have little interest in other people. Pushing people away can look like short, disinterested answers and a general reluctance to engage with others. Tenzer says, “People who have been hurt in the past have mistrust for those around them. If you think about it, it makes sense. If you’ve been hurt over and over again by people in your life, why would you make yourself vulnerable for it to happen again?”

Your interactions are unpleasant. Since you have no real interest in hanging out with other people, the way you treat them will likely reflect that. This could mean being overly critical of others or communicating in a passive aggressive manner. For example, if a friend asks for your opinion on an outfit, you might tell her it’s ugly simply to get her out of your hair. Or maybe you find yourself chastising your partner when they make small mistakes.

You don’t share anything about yourself. Being private is all about protecting your peace, which is understandable, but you might be taking it too far. If a friend reaches out to check in on you and you fail to respond, you may have a deep-rooted discomfort surrounding vulnerability and a fear of rejection. Tenzer says, “Our brains remember traumatic events and oftentimes try to avoid them in the future.” If you’ve been vulnerable before and felt mistreated or taken advantage of, it’s possible that closing yourself off is your defense mechanism against pain. This might look like hiding your feelings on a certain subject when you're asked for your opinion, or bottling up your emotions when something is bothering you.

How to Stop Pushing People Away

Start opening up gradually so you don't get overwhelmed. Tenzer advises that you “take baby steps” and “start with the interpersonal relationships around you that feel very safe.” Take things slowly, opening up bit by bit at a pace that feels comfortable. For example, try sharing more anecdotes from your childhood in conversation, both small and formative, so others will understand you better. Try leading a game of 20 questions with a friend or partner. It’s fun, engaging, and illuminating! You can practice learning about the other person as they learn about you. Strive for interactions that enhance trust and make you feel safe, and your bond will flourish over time. Tenzer adds, “Our brains need positive interactions, which provide evidence that not everything and everyone can recreate that trauma or the feelings that follow.”

Communicate openly about your thoughts and feelings. If you have a history of avoiding intimacy and vulnerability, it’s time to break that cycle by being open and honest about what’s working for you and what isn’t. Remember, sharing your anxieties is a part of intimacy, and a particularly important one for people who tend to push others away. Tenzer notes, "You can start trusting again once you've been provided with evidence that you can have healthy relationships.”

Strive for relationships with healthy conflict. If you’ve pushed people away in the past and are now trying to develop a deep connection, finding a balance is key. If you tend to avoid conflict because you’re afraid it’ll lead to rejection or abandonment, get more comfortable navigating conflicts and embracing the fact that they’re a part of normal life. Take turns stating your points, compromise, and arrive at a solution that both parties can live with. Best conflict resolution practices typically involve tackling the problem headfirst as a team, not placing blame on the other person and fighting them.

Do the inner work to understand yourself better. Understanding why you push people away is instrumental in making a change for the better. Revisit childhood memories, identify the root of your issues, and reflect on what you can do to unlearn those behaviors moving forward. Journaling or speaking to a close friend can also help you figure out how to change your avoidant ways. For example, maybe your absent mother deeply affected you, or a past boyfriend shattered your sense of trust and self. No matter what it is, try to get to the bottom of it.

Nurture your emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence refers to the ability to acknowledge and understand your emotions, as well as the emotions of people around you. Developing a deeper emotional intelligence helps you control stress and anxiety so you can engage with others in a more open and productive way.

Be patient with yourself. Tenzer advises that you don’t beat yourself up if you’re not seeing an enormous emotional shift right away. She says, “It doesn’t happen overnight, so be patient with yourself and try to look at the world from a more positive and different perspective, keeping your desired outcome in mind.” Putting an end to toxic behaviors and relearning healthy ones takes time, so give yourself some grace.

Consider speaking with a therapist. Tenzer is a therapist herself and encourages speaking to professionals for additional guidance. She says, “Discovery, with a therapist, can show us that pushing people away does not allow for us to reinforce or experience the positive interactions and alternative scenarios we need to be able to heal from the past.”