What to Do When He Pulls Away: Why He Does It & How to Make Him Stop

• Stay calm and avoid jumping to conclusions, even if you’re upset that he’s pulling away. Ask him what’s going on respectfully and with an open mind.
• Give him space. One of the best things you can do for your relationship is to give your guy room to miss you and let him have space if he wants it.
• Be positive around him and show him affection according to his love language. The more angry or desperate you act around him, the more he may pull away.

How to React When He Pulls Away

Remain calm and soothe yourself if you start to panic. Panic is a natural response when you believe someone you care about is pulling away, but in this case, it won’t help you address the issue. Don’t panic, especially if you don’t know why he’s pulling away yet—or if he is at all. Calm down, take deep breaths, and use other self-soothing measures to help ground you before you react. Effective self-soothing techniques include listening to relaxing music, practicing focused breathing, taking a warm shower, or going for a walk. Reacting with panic may even drive him further away. If you start worrying and send him 20 texts in a row, it might feel a bit intrusive to him.

Ask him what’s going on rather than making assumptions. When a guy pulls away, it's easy to catastrophize and assume the worst of him—but the truth is, you may never know what’s really going on until you talk to him about it. Approach him calmly and with an open mind, and ask him if something is going on. Use “I” statements to explain how you feel rather than accusing him of doing something wrong. For example, you could say something like, “I’ve been feeling like there’s some distance between us lately. Is everything all right?” Another option could be, “I don’t want you to feel like I’m prying; I’d just like to understand how you’re feeling.” Steer clear of accusatory statements like, “Why are you pulling away from me?” or “What did I do? Do you even still want to be with me?” Let him explain in his own words what, if anything, is going on.

Give him space to breathe and collect his thoughts. After talking to him, the best thing you can do is give him the space that he needs. Don’t double down and try to mend the relationship right away; instead, take a step back and create some space between the two of you. Cut back on texts and calls, and resolve not to meet up with him in person for a while. Space is especially important if he pulls away early in the relationship when you haven’t been dating long. Don’t chase him or contact him at all; this can send the message that you’re overly attached to him. Chasing after him may end up pushing him away even more, whereas distance can help the heart grow fonder. If you’re not there, all of a sudden it may become clear how much he really wants you around. Furthermore, if he’s told you that he needs space directly, doing as he asks will help him see that you respect his needs. Ignoring his request might make things worse.

Focus on your own well-being rather than worrying about him. It can be hard to wait around feeling unsure about your relationship, but the busier are, the less you’ll dwell on it. Set aside your worries and engage with hobbies that make you feel happy and calm. If you have a daily routine, stick to it, and spend time with other friends so you have plenty of positive social interactions. Either dive back into an old, beloved hobby or try something new and exciting. Take a drawing class, learn to cook, or take up knitting, for example. If it’s still early and you haven’t gone on many dates (let alone made concrete commitments), there’s nothing wrong with going out on dates with other guys either. When a guy pulls away, it can make you wonder what you did wrong or hurt your self-esteem. Turning to friends and hobbies can help you remember all the things you really love about yourself!

Talk to him compassionately and let him know you’re there for him. Positivity and support can go a long way toward showing your guy that you’re someone he wants in his life. Bombarding him with anger or desperate pleas may drive him away; instead, simply let him know that you want to support him. Gentle, positive words may convince him to open up to you about whatever is on his mind. Say something like, “I’m here for you. If there’s anything I can do to help, you can always tell me.” Let him come to you if he wants help. Don’t force the issue. Making demands or trying to guilt him by saying things like, “Tell me what’s wrong!” or “If you cared about me, you’d talk to me,” will likely alienate him further.

Help him work through any insecurities or issues he might have. Some people feel they need to deal with all of their troubles alone without relying on others—and if your guy thinks like this, reminding him otherwise can help. As he tells you what’s wrong, whether he’s feeling insecure about the relationship or stressing about something else entirely, your support can ease his burden. For example, if he’s been cheated on in the past, he might be struggling to move past those bad memories. Acknowledge his insecurity and reassure him. With unconditional support comes trust!

Find a balance between space and togetherness in the relationship. If he’s pulling away, it might mean he needs more space in the relationship in general. It may help to talk to him about how much space and togetherness each of you needs. Do you both feel there’s a healthy balance? If not, can you compromise to create one? Figure out a path forward once you’re on the same page. For example, he may feel like he doesn’t have enough time to do things by himself, but you may worry about getting a certain amount of “couples’ time” with your partner. In that case, look for a balance between your needs. For example, you could schedule a date night each week to ensure you get time with him, and then block out an afternoon or two for each of you to do your own thing.

Familiarize yourself with both of your love languages. Some relationships develop friction when a partner shows each other love the way they want to, not the way their partner wants to receive it. Show love according to his love language, and tell him what yours is. Once you find his love language (and yours, as well), you’ll have a better idea of what each of you needs to feel loved and appreciated. There are 5 main love languages: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. So, if his love language is acts of service, you might do helpful things for him here and there. Make his favorite snack, or tackle one of his chores so he doesn’t have to worry about it. If his love language is words of affirmation, he might be looking for verbal reassurance and support. Compliment him and remind him often how much he means to you!

Reflect on your expectations to ensure they’re realistic. If the expectation is for him to be fully engaged and enthusiastic no matter what, that may not be something he can do. Life happens, and relationships have natural ups and downs that can depend on what’s happening in other areas of your life. He might not be able to act like he normally does if he’s having a bad week or month. Try thinking of a few positive phrases you can remind yourself of when you’re stressing out, so you can focus on that instead of reading into a problem that may not be there. For example, you could tell yourself things like, “This will pass, and I have the strength to get through it,” or “Worrying won’t change the outcome, and my worries are temporary.”

Remind yourself that his behavior is not personal. When a guy pulls away, the truth is, it’s not really about you. It might seem like it is, especially if your relationship ends or he breaks up with you, but it’s really about compatibility—not about you as a person. It doesn’t mean you’re undesirable or unworthy; you just may not be the best fit for one another, and that’s okay. Whatever happens, try not to take it personally. If he’s looking for something else in a partner, it’s his decision. You can’t control his decisions, and it doesn’t make you a bad partner. If it doesn’t work out between you and this guy, remember: that means there’s someone out there who can be an even better fit for you—and vice versa.

Accept the outcome no matter what happens between you. Maybe the two of you will mend your bond—or maybe you’ll go your separate ways. Be prepared to accept what happens regardless of the outcome, and know that you’ll be okay even if there’s a breakup. Plus, if he’s determined to leave, it’s better for both of you if you let him go. You deserve someone who can commit to you wholeheartedly! On the bright side, he may find your acceptance and nonchalance alluring—so either way, going along with the outcome is a win-win. Guys tend to like partners who can go with the flow! It can be tough to let go, but if you’ve been a loving and supportive partner and he’s still pulling away, it’s not your job to save the relationship. In that case, letting go can be the healthiest thing for you.

Why do men pull away?

He may be focused on other areas or issues in his life right now. In some cases, guys become distant because they’re stressed or preoccupied with things outside the relationship—like their job, finances, a family conflict, or any number of other triggers. The problem isn’t that he doesn’t want to be with you; it’s that he isn’t confiding in you, which can leave you feeling confused and concerned. If your man does this, it can help to remind him that you’re a team. You may not be able to solve his problems for him, but you can give him support if you’re aware of what’s going on.

He’s doing it unconsciously as a defense mechanism. Sometimes, when a guy has a bad experience with a past relationship, he’ll develop a fear of getting hurt that spills over into future relationships too. He may be quietly trying to figure out what he really wants and if he’s willing to risk heartbreak for this relationship; he’s not trying to upset you, just taking time to think. Giving him reassurance can help him work past his defense mechanisms. Remind him that you care and that you want to stand by him however you can.

He may have seen red flags that made him doubt the relationship. Red flags don’t mean there’s something wrong with you—remember, when a guy distances himself, it’s about his wants and needs, not you. He may simply feel like he isn’t very compatible with you. You might have different desires or life goals, for example, and he can tell he’s losing interest in the relationship as a result. When a guy pulls away because of this, he might be quietly trying to get the relationship to fizzle out. While that may not be the outcome you’re hoping for, it still might be for the best. Being single and looking out for your own well-being is better than being in a half-hearted relationship any day.

He may be concerned that he isn’t ready for commitment yet. When a guy feels his relationship is moving too fast or that he’s not in a good place to settle down with someone long-term, he might try to get out of the relationship by subtly pulling away. It’s his way of saying that he doesn’t want to lose his freedom, and he’s concerned that he might if he keeps pursuing the relationship. While you can’t make anybody settle down if they really don’t want to, you may be able to set his mind at ease if he’s open to compromise. For example, you can promise him that he’ll still have plenty of alone time and that you don’t plan to be glued to his hip every day. Some guys may find this reassuring, though some may decide they don’t want a relationship, period.

Signs He’s Pulling Away

He doesn’t prioritize your time together. You might feel like he used to go out of his way to spend time with you, go on dates, and hang out, but now treats you like an afterthought. If he’s pulling away, it may seem like it’s now on you to make all the plans—and even when you spend time together, you get the sense that he’d rather be somewhere else.

He responds to calls and texts slower than usual. You may notice that where once he called and texted you all the time, now he hardly does it at all. You never get instant replies, if you get them at all, and his responses will likely be brief. He may not stay on the phone for long when you call; sometimes, he might ignore your calls. Essentially, it’ll feel like he’s not putting any effort into communication.

He’s thinking about other things when he’s with you. You might be able to tell if his mind is elsewhere based on how much he engages in conversations and remembers after the fact. Does he listen to you? Can he remember the things you talked about before, whether it was 10 minutes or 10 days ago? If he’s pulling away, it might feel like he’s always preoccupied. Keep in mind that there are many reasons he might seem unfocused. Everyone has bad days! If he’s pulling away from you, disinterest will be a pattern. It’ll happen pretty much every time you’re together, to the point that you can tell it’s not just because he had a long day.

He seems less physically and verbally affectionate. You may notice that the affection that you’re used to is now nearly nonexistent. This can include physical affection like kissing, cuddling, and intimacy, as well as verbal affection like compliments and flirty messages. If he won’t show you affection, he may be pulling away.

He always has an excuse to avoid intimacy. Similarly, sexual intimacy may become rare between you—and when it happens, it might feel much more disconnected and unemotional than it used to. He may even come up with reasons to get out of sex every time you bring it up, whereas before the two of you shared a hot and heavy sex life.

He criticizes you often. Where he used to tell you how amazing you are, now it might seem like the only things he has to say to you are critical. It may even feel like you’re always on his nerves, even though you don’t know what you could’ve done to upset him. This can be a sign that he’s distancing himself from the relationship and even trying to drive you away. Harsh criticism can be really upsetting, but try not to take it to heart. If everything he says is negative, he’s not giving you constructive advice—he’s just taking his problems out on you, and that’s never okay.

He hides his phone screen from your view. Does he tend to place his phone face-down when you’re around or turn the screen away when you get too close? Does he leave the room to take calls where before he had no problem doing it in front of you? If he’s suddenly extremely private about his texts and calls, he may be distancing himself and already planning an exit.