Want to Open Your Relationship? 10 Tips for Talking About Polyamory with Your Partner

Brainstorm what kinds of questions your partner will have.

Do a little extra research on polyamory and what’s involved in a polyamorous relationship. Your partner will probably have a lot of questions, like what polyamory is. They might also ask if polyamory is the same thing as cheating, or if you just aren’t ready for commitment. Think of answers for these types of questions ahead of time, so you aren’t blindsided during your chat. You can explain that cheating revolves around lying and deceit, while polyamory is rooted in open communication. You might mention that polyamory still involves a lot of commitment, especially in a long-term relationship.

Predict different possible reactions.

Don’t assume that your partner will take the conversation well or poorly. Your partner might be really into the idea of a polyamorous relationship, or they could be completely against it. Alternatively, your partner might just want more information, and may not feel strongly either way about it. Be prepared for any of these reactions, so you aren’t taken by surprise. Flexibility is key, especially if you don’t know how your partner will react. It’s okay to put the conversation on hold if your partner isn’t ready for it. You might say, “I’m really sorry. The last thing I wanted to do was upset you. How about we talk about this another time?”

Pick a private time when you and your partner are calm.

Polyamory is a serious discussion, and shouldn’t be brought up on a whim. Choose a moment when both you and your partner are calm, relaxed, and in a good mood. Don’t bring up the topic when either of you is anxious or upset—chances are, the conversation won’t go very far. For instance, you might bring up the topic in the evening after your partner has had time to relax and unwind after work.

Speak with “I” statements.

“I” statements let you express yourself without shifting any blame. Let your partner know why you’re interested in polyamory. Try to be as open and friendly as possible, so your partner doesn’t feel intimidated. You might say, “I’ve been reading about different kinds of relationships online, and I think I might identify as non-monogamous.” You could also say, “I really love being with you, and I wanted to share something that’s been on my mind. What are your thoughts on polyamory?”

Remind your partner that they’ve done nothing wrong.

Your partner might feel jealous, or like they aren’t good enough for you. These reactions are totally normal and valid, especially if your partner doesn’t know a lot about polyamory. Reassure them that you care about them a lot, and that being polyamorous won’t change your feelings for them. You could also ask your partner some supportive, open-ended questions, so they can share their thoughts more easily. You might ask, “Are you worried that I’ll care for someone else more and break things off with you?” or “Are you worried about other people judging you?” You could also ask, “Are you worried that you caused this?” or “Does polyamory make you feel like you’re not in control?”

Create ground rules for an open relationship.

Ground rules may ease some of your partner’s worries. Outline what both you and your partner want. Decide if you want to be one another’s main partner, or if you’re okay keeping things casual. Also, confirm if you’d like to meet your partner’s lovers, and if your partner would be okay with sharing their lover with you. These ground rules may seem uncomfortable at first, but they can help you avoid a lot of awkward, uncomfortable moments later on. For instance, you might agree to always spend birthdays and major holidays together. Write down these ground rules somewhere so you can both reference them easily.

Discuss STI prevention.

STIs are easy to avoid as long as you’re careful. Agree to always use a condom or dental dam with any other partners, so you don’t contract or spread something unknowingly. You could also get a little creative during your intimate moments, so you don’t share and spread as many bodily fluids. Kissing, petting, and certain kinds of foreplay are great, safe ways to be intimate.

Look for a compromise.

If you’d like to change up your relationship, polyamory isn’t the only option. You could try a consensual non-monogamous relationship, where you and your partner can casually hook up without starting a new relationship. You and your partner might also enjoy hitting up a sex club together, or going to a sensual dinner party.

Provide support and flexibility.

Your partner might need time to adjust to the idea of polyamory. Remind them that you’re willing to talk whenever they’d like. You might look at some useful articles and resources about polyamory with your partner, or offer to visit a poly therapist with them. For example, you might send your partner a well-researched article about polyamorous relationships. Then, you can both read and discuss the article together.

Reaffirm your identity.

Regardless of how the conversation goes, remind yourself that you are valid. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being polyamorous, and wanting a different relationship doesn’t make you any less of a person or partner. As your partner processes the conversation, reaffirm that you have nothing to be ashamed of. You might tell yourself “I deserve to feel happy” or “Polyamory is a healthy, fulfilling way to have romance in my life.”