How to Mentalize Relationships

Relating to Others

Learn to self-reflect. Self-reflection is a big part of mentalization. Create some self-awareness by examining your own thoughts and feelings. For example, if you’re mad at someone, don’t think about all the things they’ve done to make you feel mad. Instead, think about what triggered your own feelings. Do you not like being interrupted or spoken over? Did you feel like you weren’t being valued or heard? Start using self-reflection in your day-to-day life. Keeping a journal can be a great way to reflect on your thoughts and feelings throughout each day and gain insight into your inner world. Self-reflection can also help to keep you focused on your own process rather than on the other person.

Consider other’s inner experiences. In the same way that you reflect on your own inner workings, try to think about how others may feel or think. For example, if someone is mad at you for being late, think of what it would be like if someone was late to see you often. Try to put yourself in their shoes, so to speak. What would it be like to have their experience? How might they experience you? Think about how other people see you or what their opinions of you might be based off of your behaviors. For example, if you get into a fight with someone, think about how they may have felt when you raised your voice or said something hurtful. This process can help you get to the bottom of your own feelings and resolve situations much better.

Show curiosity. Instead of jumping to conclusions or reacting solely on your emotions, ask questions instead. Expressing curiosity can help ease misunderstandings and make people feel understood. If you’re about to make an accusation, ask a question instead. For example, say, “What makes you feel that way?” or, “I don’t understand you. Can you say that a different way?” You can also ensure your understanding by saying, “So let me make sure I understand you. You’re saying you want me to be cleaner around the house.”

Give empathy and compassion. Recognize that your emotions are valid and so are the emotions of other people. Even if you disagree with someone, try to understand their perspective and why they think or behave the way they do. Understand and give compassion for yourself and your difficulties but also for the difficulties of others. For example, if your friend breaks up with their partner, understand that they might feel sad, lonely, or upset. Respond in a way that shows you understand that they are experiencing something hurtful. By focusing on their feelings you won't be caught up in why they couldn't go to the movies with you, or keep a lunch date.

Cut out black and white thinking. Avoid saying things like, “You never help me” or, “You always make excuses.” These kinds of extreme statements are rarely true. Reconsider your beliefs and catch yourself in these all-or-nothing thoughts. Think of a more accurate or nuanced approach to the situation. If you catch yourself thinking or saying these statements, stop and re-evaluate. You might choose to say, “It bothers me when you don’t help me” or, “I really dislike it when you make excuses.” Keep in mind that it takes a lot of courage to state your thoughts and feelings directly to someone.

Responding to Conflict

Hit the pause button. If you’re feeling a strong feeling (like anger or frustration), you might have the impulse to do something like yell, scream, throw something, or walk out. If you notice these feelings, try to tolerate the feeling instead of act on it or run from it. It will feel uncomfortable at first, but it’s the first step to preventing a bigger fight or causing harm to a relationship. Pause your thoughts and behavior to keep yourself from doing something destructive. For example, if you want to yell or walk out, say to yourself, “I need to take a break” or, “Right now I’m feeling frustrated and will not react.”

Calm down. It’s difficult to get into a rational, logical state of mind when your emotions are heightened. When you’re feeling intensely emotional, take some time to calm down. This might mean taking a walk, exercising, distracting yourself, or taking some deep breaths. Get to a place where you fee like you can think without working directly from your feelings. Try some deep breathing exercises. Inhale for three seconds, hold for three seconds, then exhale for three seconds. Do this until you feel calm.

Gain some control. Mentalization involves feeling in control of your own behavior. It means not accepting that your behavior just happens but instead, realizing you have responsibility and ownership of your own choices. Recognize that you can control how you respond, what you say, and how you say it. If you’re about to say something hurtful, recognize that you can choose to say it or not. You don’t have to do or say anything. At any rate, make sure to pause first and wait before responding.

Become responsive, not reactive. Focus on responding to your own thoughts and feelings, then to other people. Reactions occur when something happens and you quickly take action. Instead of instinctively responding, put some thought into how you feel and what you’re thinking, then comment or act. For example, if you’re upset that someone didn’t do the dishes, don’t yell or snap at them. Recognize that you feel frustrated or angry, then respectfully say, “Would you mind doing your dishes?” Respond to the other person’s needs or words instead of focusing on yourself. For example, say, “I know we both feel frustrated right now. I’ll let you talk so I can listen.”