How to Handle a Relationship with Someone Who Has a Dependent Parent

Communicating with Your Partner

Make time to check in with your partner every day. Talk to your partner when you get home from work or before bed. Ask them how their day was, and share an interesting detail or a funny story from your own day. Don’t worry about finding “important” things to talk about. Just stay in the habit of communicating with your partner regularly.

Ask your partner what they need. Even though you know your partner well, avoid assuming you know what they need or want. Trying to be a mind reader almost never works. Instead, ask your partner what they need from you. Be straightforward. Say something like, “I know you’ve been really busy taking care of your mom lately. What is the best way I can help you feel less overwhelmed?”

Practice active listening. When you talk with your partner, pay attention to what they’re saying. Remove all distractions — turn off the television, put away your smartphone — and make eye contact so they know you are listening. Make them feel understood by rephrasing their words and pausing for clarification when you’re not sure what they mean. Avoid just waiting for them to finish talking so you can talk again. For instance, if your partner has just finished telling you about his difficulty getting everything done, you could rephrase by saying, “It sounds like you’re feeling really overworked.” Asking good questions is another important part of active listening.

Encourage your partner to come to you when they need help. Let your partner know that you’re always there for them if they need you. Emphasize that you’ll be happy to make their life easier if you can. Many caregivers don’t like asking for or accepting help from others, so you may need to remind your partner more than once that you welcome opportunities to help them out.

Helping Your Partner Manage Stress

Encourage your partner to take time for themselves. Caregivers often get burned out from taking care of everyone’s needs except their own. Help your partner refill their emotional well by encouraging them to take a break and do something they enjoy on a regular basis. Offer to take over some caregiving duties or watch the kids so that your partner can take a break.

Help your partner take care of their physical health. Exercising, getting enough sleep, and eating a good diet are important for people with demanding lives, like caregivers. Help your partner stay healthy by cooking them nutritious food and encouraging them to take walks or go to the gym with you. Take care of your own health, too. Both you and your partner will have more energy for your responsibilities and each other if you have a balanced lifestyle. Avoid alcohol and drugs, and encourage your partner to do the same. These substances are hard on your body and mind. Look for constructive ways to relax instead.

Pick up the slack when your partner is particularly busy. If your partner’s parent has needed extra time and care lately, take over some of the chores your partner usually does. Ask them which tasks they just can’t seem to get to, and do those jobs yourself. For instance, if your partner has been feeling frazzled lately, you could volunteer to take over cleaning the apartment or buying groceries.

Help your partner find other options if caregiving is too stressful. Sometimes the burden of caring for an elderly parent is too much for one person to bear. Encourage your partner to reach out to their siblings for extra help, or look into local care options such as adult day care, retirement homes, or meal delivery services. Respite care can be sort-term solution if your partner simply needs someone to take over their caregiving responsibilities for a few hours each day, or if you and your partner want to go on vacation and know that the parent will be in good hands. Hospices, home health agencies, non-medical senior care agencies, social services, private nursing companies, senior centers, churches or the National Family Caregivers Association can all provide you with information on obtaining respite care.

Finding Ways to Stay Close

Enjoy the small things in life. Sometimes it’s the little things that strengthen your bond with your partner the most. Find some simple everyday rituals that you can fit into your lives. Having a cup of tea together in the mornings, playing a card game in the evenings, or texting each other throughout the day are a few ways you can stay connected even when you’re both busy.

Celebrate birthdays and anniversaries. Remembering and honoring milestones is a thoughtful way to keep your connection with your partner strong. Use a planner or calendar to keep track of significant dates. There’s no need to plan elaborate birthday or anniversary parties if you’re both busy. Just make it a priority to spend some time together, enjoy a good meal or some wine, and reflect on what you appreciate about each other.

Make your partner feel loved with small gestures. Look for ways to make your partner smile at the end of a long day. Maybe you could surprise them with a box of their favorite candy on the nightstand, give them a massage, or make them dinner after a long day of work. Little gestures of kindness can have a big impact on how close you and your partner feel.

Go on dates when you can. If your partner doesn’t have a lot of free time to spend with you, make sure the time you do spend together is quality. When you have a weekend or an evening free together, take the opportunity to build new memories by trying new things together. Visit a restaurant or coffee shop you’ve never been to, see a play, or just take a long walk and enjoy each other’s conversation.

Dealing with a New Situation

Accept that your new partner may frequently be unavailable. If you have recently started dating a caregiver to a dependent parent, you may need to revise your expectations of the relationship. Starting a relationship with this dynamic requires a good bit of selflessness and flexibility. There may be times where dates are canceled because the parent needs caretaking. It may also feel as though your date is constantly preoccupied with the worry or stress related to caregiving. If you are open-minded, your relationship with a caregiver can be just as rewarding.

Talk with your existing partner. If your current partner's family is adjusting to a newly dependent parent, you and your partner need to be forthright about how it will affect your existing relationship. Caregiving can be a taxing job, and you may feel like your partner is completely consumed with caring for their dependent parent. Express your concern by saying, "I know this is a troubling time for you and the family. I want to talk about how we are going to maintain our relationship. I think it's important that you have some free time to relax and unwind. Can we try to clear an evening off our schedules just for us? Maybe you can ask one of your siblings to look after your parent during this time?" If you are married or cohabitating, a new situation may also change your household or lifestyle. Caring for a dependent parent may require financial support from your partner. What's more, your partner may be less available to care for your children or help out around the home.

Get educated about the parent's condition. If your new date has a dependent parent, or your existing partner has a parent who recently became dependent, you will need to undergo schooling. In order to be supportive of your partner and knowledgeable about the situation, you should find out as much as you can about their parent's condition. You may be able to ask outright, "Can you tell me more about what's going on? I want to know how I can help." You can also perform an internet search to learn more. Go to the right sources, such as national health websites, associations, or research foundations to ensure you have a clear understanding. Try some of the following websites: National Council on Aging: https://www.ncoa.org Administration on Aging: https://aoa.acl.gov National Care Planning Council: https://www.longtermcarelink.net/eldercare/ref_state_aging_services.htm National Association of Area Agencies on Aging: http://www.n4a.org

Connect with the dependent parent. It can also help your partner if you offer to spend some time connecting with their parent. You can do this simply because you want to get to know them better. Or, you can volunteer your time in order to give the other caregivers time off. Find out what your partner's dependent parent likes. This may involve films, books, or activities like golf or knitting. Find creative ways to connect with them through their interests. For example, you can check out library books and read aloud to them. Or, you can ask them to teach you how to knit.