How to Get Along with Your Boyfriend's Mom

Showing Respect

Greet her by an acceptable title. Some mothers are perfectly fine with you calling them by their first names; some are not. Find out your boyfriend’s mom’s preference and stick to that. You’ll send the wrong message by greeting her with “It’s so nice to meet you, Pam.” Stick to “Mrs. Wilder” unless she suggests something else.

Dress appropriately. What you wear shouldn’t matter, but unfortunately it does. If your boyfriend’s mom is really conservative, you might offend her by wearing revealing clothing or tops with graphic images or words. You don’t have to go out and buy a new wardrobe, but wear something modest when you meet with her—at least until you become better acquainted. Dressing appropriately around your boyfriend’s parents is a sign of respect. If you’re not sure what’s appropriate, check with him. A good choice might be a simple, modest-length dress or jeans and a nice shirt.

Display good manners. Another way to show respect to your boyfriend’s mom is using your manners. Answer with “please,” “yes, ma’am,” or “no, ma’am.” Say “thanks” for an invitation to dinner. Turn your phone off during the meal and offer to help with the dishes afterwards. These small courtesies really make a positive impression.

Obey her house rules. You’ll have trouble winning over your boyfriend’s mom if you go out of your way to disrespect her. If she has communicated (or you heard from your boyfriend) about any guidelines she enforces in her household, be sure to follow them. For example, if she states “no company after 11pm,” don’t force her to have to kick you out at 11:02. Say your goodbyes before the curfew arrives.

Respect family time or traditions. Many families have special nights just for family. If your boyfriend’s family has a certain tradition they follow, be sure not to intrude. Don’t expect that just because you’re dating him that you’re welcome to join in on family traditions. If Friday evenings are his family game nights, make plans with your friends or spend time with your own family. His mom will appreciate that you allow him to have special time just with his family.

Building a Relationship

Be yourself. When it comes to building a relationship with your boyfriend’s mom, the best course of action is to keep it real. This doesn’t mean acting like you do at home or with your own friends or family. But, don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. Besides, she’ll eventually spot inconsistencies and think you’re hiding something. Most people greatly appreciate authenticity. Show your real personality. It’s best that they get to know the real person their son is dating. Avoid being inauthentically complimentary as well. Give a few honest compliments if they’re appropriate, such as complimenting the meal if your boyfriend’s mom cooked, but avoid gushing or over-the-top flattery. There’s a difference between being yourself and being rude, culturally inappropriate, or an over-sharer.

Ask about her interests. People love to talk about themselves and their interests. A well-timed question or compliment may be just what you need to improve the bond you have with your boyfriend’s mom. Use her interests as a way to start conversations and get to know her better. If she spent the weekend shopping in the city, you might ask, “So, tell me, Mrs. Charles, what sales did you catch?” If she is an avid gardener, you might say, “Oh, the azaleas look lovely, Mrs. Peterson.”

Try to spend time with her one-on-one. Your boyfriend’s mom will appreciate you trying to develop a relationship with her, so try to connect with her passions. That doesn’t mean you have to become best friends with his mom; your relationship with her should only be close if you and your boyfriend are serious. Talk with your boyfriend and decide if spending one-on-one time with his mom is appropriate and something you both want. If you like the same TV show, you might say, “Would you like to get together on Friday to watch the show?”

Share how much you care about her son. Even if you seem to bump heads with your boyfriend’s mom on virtually every subject, you two have at least one thing in common: you’re both crazy about her son, right? Make sure she knows how much you care about him, but also reassure her that you’re not trying to compete for his attention. “Mrs. Jones, I know how close you and Todd are. I just want you to know that I really care about Todd.” Show you care about him through your actions too. Speak well of him in front of his family, hold his hand, and laugh at his jokes. If you’re spending time with your boyfriend’s mom while he isn’t there, avoid complaining about him or talking about intimate details of your relationship.

Handling Conflict

Look at the conflict from her point of view. This is a great chance to show your boyfriend’s mom your maturity and empathy. Think about the cause of the disagreement and work to understand why your boyfriend’s mom feels the way she does. This will help you be more calm and put-together while you address the problem.

Ask your boyfriend to step in on your behalf. If you and your boyfriend's mom get into a disagreement, it's best to let him talk to her on your behalf. He knows his mom best, and can rally her to see things your way. Let him know what the problem is and see if he can speak to his mom on your behalf. "I don't think your mom likes me. Can you try to talk to her for me?"

Be polite but direct. If you happen to bump heads with your boyfriend’s mom, come right out and address the issue head on. This will protect you from having to tiptoe around trying to dodge the problem later. Use your best judgment, but aim to be forthright and respectful. For example, his mom makes a rude comment. You might say, “I couldn’t help but feel tension from you earlier. Did I say or do something wrong?” Or you could say, “I get the sense you don’t really like me, which hurts because I really care about your son. Is there a way we can work things out and be civil?”

Listen actively. The worst thing you can do is act like you know more than his mom. If she’s talking, give her your full attention, even if what’s she’s saying is hurtful or difficult to hear. Try not to interrupt until she has gotten her message across. Lots of people have misunderstandings because they listen to respond instead of listening to understand. Really think about what your boyfriend’s mom is saying. Is she really trying to hurt you, or is she just looking after the welfare of her son?

Ask for her advice from time to time. If you’re stumped on what to get your boyfriend for his birthday or having trouble planning a surprise for him, ask his mom for recommendations. She’ll be happy to help and will enjoy the feeling of being included in your relationship. Avoid asking your boyfriend’s mom for advice about relationship issues. You’ll put her in an awkward position and she probably won’t be able give you an objective opinion.

Stand up for yourself, if necessary. If your date's mom is extremely controlling or disrespectful to you, you may just have to stand up for yourself. This may mean setting a boundary about how you expect to be treated or calling her out for rude behavior. "I can't help if you don't like me, Mrs. Rhodes, but I expect to be treated with respect just as I do you."

Learn how to deal with major issues if marriage may be in your future. It’s especially important to solve long-term conflicts if you think you and your boyfriend may get married, since you’ll become part of his family and will likely have to see his mom more often. If there’s no way to solve the problem, carefully consider your relationship with your boyfriend. Make sure he will support you even if it means disagreeing with or spending less time with his mom. If he can’t agree to that, consider your relationship as a whole and what things you’ll be able to sacrifice.