Understanding Friendships
Recognize that you get to define your own friendship goals. Some people love to network and build huge circles of friends... but not everyone does, and that's okay. Maybe you just want a few close friends, or you want mostly online friendships. You get to choose what type of friendship circle you want. Don't feel like you have to give in to pressure about having a certain type of social life.
Avoid judgmental people. Most people in the world are pretty nice. But not all of them are, and you don't want to spend time with people who drag you down and make you feel bad about yourself. Limit the time you spend with these people, or cut them off altogether. Social problems aren't always your fault. Research has shown evidence of a "double empathy problem," in which non-autistics don't empathize as well with autistic people. This isn't your fault. If someone isn't willing to try to understand you, they aren't good friendship material.
Remember that online friendships can be wonderful and meaningful, just like in-person friendships. Autistic people may find it easier to make friends on the internet. If that's what makes you happy, then go for it!
Recognize that friendships with disabled people are just as good as friendships with non-disabled people. You may feel pressure to spend more time with "normal," non-disabled people, to prove that you're "good enough" or "high-functioning enough." But these pressures aren't healthy. You should choose friends based on who you enjoy spending time with, not based on who doesn't have any diagnoses. Don't try to make friends with someone who doesn't respect you. If someone treats you badly, you don't have to spend time with them. If you get bullied a lot, it may be hard to make friends with non-disabled people. And you don't have to. If all your friends are disabled, that's okay. Sometimes, friends with disabilities are much less judgmental and cruel than people without disabilities can be.Tip: You may find it easier to relate to autistic and other neurodivergent people. It's okay to focus on the friendships that are easiest and the most fun for you.
Expect building friendships to take time. It takes time for people to get to know each other, and feel comfortable around each other. When you're an autistic person in a non-autistic world, it may take longer to find people you "click" with. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, or that you should give up.
Aim for a balanced life, whatever that means to you. You choose the amount of social time, relaxation time, work/study time, et cetera that feels right for your mood and your life. It's okay if that balance looks different from what other people's looks like.
Finding Community and Support
Get a mentor whose judgment you trust. Consider parents, older relatives, family friends, teachers, counselors, existing friends, clergy members, et cetera. This person can offer you advice and support while you search for friends and deal with the trials of everyday life. If you have more than one mentor, that's great! You can hear advice and perspectives from more than one person.
Meet classmates and co-workers. If you go to school or have a job out of the house, this is a great opportunity to meet people. Classmates and co-workers can be great people to talk to and to try and befriend.
Join clubs or groups related to your special interests and hobbies. What makes you light up and feel energized? Find a group related to that. This way, you can find people you have something in common with, and you'll have a good conversation starter. Even if you don't end up making friends right away, you'll be able to do something you enjoy. EXPERT TIP "I've loved online communities, but in person, you can feel the connection better — it's more than just words on screen." Luna Rose Luna Rose Community Expert Luna Rose is an autistic community member who specializes in writing and autism. She holds a degree in Informatics and has spoken at college events to improve understanding about disabilities. Luna Rose leads wikiHow's Autism Project. Luna Rose Luna RoseCommunity Expert
Join an autism/disability group. It can be a huge relief to be around people whose brains work similarly to yours. In a disability group, disabled becomes "normal," so no one will think twice if you stim, talk with a disability accent, or don't make eye contact.
Join a sports team. Sports give you something clear to focus on, offer an opportunity to focus on teamwork, and are good for your health too. If you aren't particularly athletic, look for a more casual league.
Volunteer. Consider which causes are most important to you—reproductive rights, racial justice, the environment, disability rights, et cetera. Look for volunteering opportunities related to these causes. Volunteering often brings out the best in people, and you can work on being your best self while meeting others who are trying to do the same.
Meet people in appropriate public settings. If you're sensitive to noise, you can try quiet public places, such as libraries or bookstores. Becoming a regular at the local library can open you up to having quiet conversations, and can help you become known to the employees.
Find friends online. Maybe you don't feel comfortable making friends in person, or there aren't many friendly people in your area. Making friends online is often easier than in person—however, be aware that if your communication consists of just instant messages or texts, it's quite possible to misinterpret something that someone has said. Try networking with the #ActuallyAutistic community online. Try finding a forum or chat site dedicated to one of your special interests.
Building Friendships
Approach someone at a time when people are milling around and not focused (for example, before an event starts). They are usually open to talking to new people during this time. If they are busy reading, wearing headphones, etc. then they probably don't want to talk right now. Let them be.
Try to understand non-autistic social behaviors. Non-autistic behavior is a little different from autistic behavior, so it may take some studying and practice to understand. Non-autistic people often behave in different ways than autistic people, and not knowing some social behaviors can cause you to have more trouble making friends. Non-autistic people tend to make eye contact often, and stand relatively still. While you don't have to mimic their behavior (especially if it's awkward or uncomfortable for you), it helps to understand it. Learn to read body language. Look at signs that a person is feeling open to social activities, and signs that they're "closed off" and they want to be alone. Try faking eye contact by looking at their nose or mouth. If someone seems surprised or confused by your stimming, give a quick explanation. Say something like "I'm just a fidgety person," "This helps me burn off extra energy," or "I have a disability that makes me fidgety. I'm still listening, and you can keep talking."
Try talking to people. It's hard to make friends if you don't talk to people! You can strike up a conversation with the person sitting next to you or someone who gives you a smile and a wave. Ask open-ended questions to get to know them better. Figure out what the person is interested in, and get them to tell you about it. Open-ended questions begin with who, what, when, where, why, and how. For example, "What is your pet dog like?" or "What was it like in the Philippines?" If you don't know how to start the conversation, look for something that you have in common. For example, if you sit next to a classmate and you're working on a worksheet, offer to work together on the worksheet or say to her after class, "What'd you think of that worksheet?" Another option would be to lightly tap her shoulder and say, "I'm having some trouble with this question. Can you help me?" Take cues of when to speak and when not to speak. When you do talk, try to keep it brief, as most people will get annoyed if you go off on a tangent on something you're interested in without letting them get a word in! Likewise, don't interrupt somebody when they're speaking. Learn signals of when you think the person is going to speak, and take them into account. Know when someone is getting bored of the conversation. The signals vary from person to person, but common signals are looking around instead of focusing on you, their body facing a different direction from you, looking at a handheld object instead of at your face, and responding with one-word answers or noises such as "mm-hmm".
Try to gauge whether the person might be open to learning about your autism. If you think it's safe to do so, bring up a topic about autism to the person you're trying to befriend. Many people are misinformed about autism and what causes it, as well as how people who are autistic behave. But some are willing to learn. Know that some people are fair-weather friends - meaning that they'll be around to talk to you when you're fine, but if you're overstimulated or have a meltdown or shutdown, they won't help you and may pretend you don't exist. If you have a fair-weather friend, try to find a friend who will help you when you need it - a friend who won't help you isn't a friend who's good to be with all the time. Decide whether to disclose your autism. This can depend on how comfortable you are with yourself, how "visibly autistic" you are, and whether it is relevant to a conversation. You may need to answer some awkward questions, but in the end, it'll give you a good opportunity to see the other person's character. A good friend may react with understanding, confusion (if they don't understand autism well), acceptance, and/or curiosity. They're open to you explaining things they don't understand well. A bad friend might stop being interested in you, or get defensive if you gently try to correct their misconceptions. You may feel hurt or stifled. This is not your fault.
Suggest get-togethers involving common interests. Say you'd be interested in going bowling, visiting the beach, or doing something else together. This can give you time with your friends outside of scheduled meetings such as club activities. It's okay to occasionally do something you're not the biggest fan of (such as seeing a comedy film when you prefer a different genre), as long as it's not something the activity won't upset you or make you uncomfortable, and as long as they're willing to do the same for you.
Offer methods of contact. If you've managed to strike up a conversation with someone who expresses interest in what you like, offer them ways of contacting you again. There are many ways of doing so, whether it's with phone numbers or social media. If you decide to talk over the phone, it may be harder to tell when it's your turn to talk. Learn how the person prepares to talk, and expect that you may accidentally speak at the same time. Be careful with primarily text communication, as it can become extremely easy to misinterpret something or offend somebody on accident. If this occurs, it's best to work it out as quickly as possible so the incident can be smoothed over.
Keep communicating. Most friends talk to each other at least once a week, and sometimes every day if they're close. Talk to them every few days or as you see fit, but don't push it - they may not be able to talk at the moment!
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