How to Deal with a Narcissistic Parent

Processing Your Emotions

Identify your parent’s narcissistic behavior towards you. You may know that your parent is narcissistic, but it is important to identify the specific behaviors that are upsetting to you. Make a list of the types of things your parent has said and done in the past that have hurt you. Your list might include: Acting as if they are better than other people or living in a fantasy world Calling you names, demeaning, or belittling you Using intimidation and threats to get their way Taking credit when you succeed or accomplish something Taking advantage of you for their own gain Expecting constant praise and admiration from you, while giving none in return Blaming you when things don’t go their way or when they make a mistake

Acknowledge that your parent has hurt you and it is not your fault. After you have made your list of the behaviors that have hurt you in the past, take a moment to acknowledge your pain and that you did nothing to cause it. Allow yourself to feel hurt, betrayed, angry, sad, or whatever emotions arise when you reflect on your parent’s behavior. It is important to allow yourself to feel these emotions and understand that they were caused by your parent’s behavior, not by anything you did. For example, if your parent has belittled you throughout your life, allow yourself to feel sad and angry about this. Parents are supposed to encourage their children, not put them down. You have the right to feel upset that your parent did not do that for you. You may even want to write about your feelings after reflecting on the things your parent has said and done to you over the years. This may help you to feel and process your emotions. The type of bond you formed with your parent as a child can continue to affect the way that you interact with other people. You may have difficulty trusting a romantic partner or fear rejection as a result of the type of bond you formed with your parent.

Grieve the loss of the type of relationship you want with your parent. Your parent will not change their behavior, so you will need to grieve this loss and accept that they will not change. It can be devastating to realize that your parent is not a positive force in your life and probably never will be. Give yourself permission and time to grieve the loss of a nurturing parent-child relationship. It’s okay to feel sad and cry about this loss. Don’t hold back or try to ignore your feelings. It is important to allow yourself to grieve.

Identify the boundaries that you want to set with your parent. You probably have a good idea of the behaviors that you find unacceptable and want to avoid or minimize as much as possible. Before you can enforce these boundaries, you will need to identify them for yourself. Take time to write out what you want your parent to stop doing. These may include: Criticizing your appearance, life choices, or other aspects of who you are Yelling or screaming at you Giving you the silent treatment Mocking or belittling you Threatening you Making demands of you or placing unreasonable expectations on you Blaming you for the distance between you and your parent

State your boundaries clearly. After you have taken the time to identify your boundaries, you will need to communicate them to your parent. Otherwise, they will not know what your boundaries are or when they have crossed a boundary. Make sure to state the boundary and its consequence in a firm, yet calm manner. Be prepared to follow through with these consequences even if it makes you feel bad, and keep in mind that your parent will likely not feel bad about the consequences . For example, if your parent begins yelling at you, then you might say something like, “It is not okay for you to yell at me. If you keep yelling at me, I will leave the room and we won’t be able to continue our conversation.” If you want your parent to stop criticizing your appearance, you can say something like, “I like the way I look and criticizing my appearance is hurtful to me. If you continue to make critical remarks about my appearance, we can’t spend time together.”

Interacting with Your Parent

Determine if you want a relationship with your parent. If spending time with your parent is more painful than not spending time with them, then you may be better off keeping your distance. Remember that your parent’s main reason for wanting a relationship with you will be to further their own interests, not because they truly care about you. If this is not something that you want to continue, then stand firm in your decision to avoid spending time with them.

Lower your expectations for interactions with your parent. Narcissistic parents may turn what should be a pleasant encounter into a terrible ordeal. To protect yourself from being let down again and again, lower your expectations for any interactions you have with your parent. This will help to protect you from further disappointment. For example, if you are going out to dinner with your parent, don’t expect them to be warm and encouraging and to show genuine interest in your life. Instead, expect them to say some rude things, talk a lot about their life, and to show little interest in what you have to say. If this is what happens, you will be well prepared! If it goes better than this, then you will be pleasantly surprised. If you have a major life event, such as your wedding day or graduation from college, then expect your parent to try to upstage you and to make some hurtful comments. Knowing that this is what probably lies ahead will help you to prepare yourself.

Respond calmly to things your parent might say. It is important to avoid challenging a narcissistic parent because they may react with anger and defensiveness. Instead, maintain your composure when your parent says things that are upsetting to you. Also, use “I” statements to express your feelings. This will help to minimize your parent’s perception that you are questioning or criticizing them. For example, if your parent makes a critical remark about your outfit, simply say something like, “I like the way I look in this outfit,” and leave it at that. Then, change the subject or excuse yourself to prevent them from trying to debate you. Plan and practice responses to things that you expect your parent to say. This will help to make it easier for you to respond in the moment. For example, if your father often criticizes your decision to become a teacher, you might prepare a response such as, “I love teaching and I am glad I chose this career for myself.” Keep in mind that your parent will probably not respond to your feelings no matter how clearly you express them.

Enlist the help of friends and other family members. Seeking the support of friends and family members when you will be interacting with your parent will help you to feel less alone and vulnerable. Identify 1 or 2 friends or family members who you can turn to if your parent begins to treat you badly. Pull that person aside to chat for a moment if they are with you, or call or text the person if they are not with you. For example, if your parent is loudly criticizing the dinner you made, ask your partner to help you in the kitchen for a moment. Ask for a hug and vent for a moment before returning to the dinner table. If your parent is going on and on about their accomplishments during a visit and hasn’t even bothered to ask you how you have been, excuse yourself to go to the restroom and text a friend while you are in there. Be honest and let them know what is going on so they can support you.

Develop an exit strategy if the situation becomes uncomfortable for you. You may have some encounters with your parent that are so uncomfortable for you that you will just need to leave. To make it easier for you to get away from your parent in these scenarios, develop a plan for how you can get away from your parent. For example, if you are planning to go shopping with your mother for the day, you might have a friend or partner call you with an “emergency” in case things get too uncomfortable with your mother. Keep in mind that you have the right to leave even if you don’t have an excuse. You can simply say something like, “It was nice seeing you dad, but I have to go. Have a great day!” If your parent pressures you to stay or tries to make you feel guilty for cutting a visit short, it is important to remain firm. Reiterate your need to leave and do not give in to their demands.

Protecting Your Feelings

Focus on what you know about yourself. People with narcissistic personalities may distort your perception of yourself because of their constant putdowns. It is important to affirm who you are based on what you know about yourself, not based on your parent’s unrealistic perspective. Take some time to make a list of your strengths and weaknesses based on what you know to be true about yourself, not based on what your parent has said. For example, you may know that you are intelligent, kind, daring, and beautiful despite your parent’s comments to the contrary. You might also know that you tend to procrastinate and you have trouble saving money. Ask a friend to help you make your list if you have trouble identifying what characteristics are true about yourself.

Disengage if your parent tries to argue with you. Part of how your parent may try to control you is by drawing you into arguments. It is important for you to disengage in these scenarios to prevent them from exerting power over you. If your parent tries to argue with you, don’t take the bait. Change the subject or walk away if they won’t relent. For example, if your parent accuses you of being ungrateful for everything they do and is trying to argue with you about it, say something like, “I have already told you that I appreciate you. There’s no reason for us to argue about that.” If your parent continues to try to engage you in an argument, you have the right to walk away. You do not owe them an explanation.

Surround yourself with positive people who treat you well. A parent with a narcissistic personality is a powerful negative influence, so it is important to spend more of your time with people who treat you with love and respect. Identify the friends and family members in your life who are positive influences and spend time with them regularly. For example, if you have an aunt who has always been supportive of you and shown an interest in your life, meet up with her for coffee once in a while. If you have a friend who encourages you and builds you up, plan to do something fun with that person once every week or so. If you need to find more positive people to surround yourself with, look into special interest groups in your area, such as a knitting circle if you like to knit or a book club if you like to read.

Take good care of yourself. Self-care is essential when you are dealing with a negative person in your life. Make sure to schedule in plenty of time for yourself to refresh, relax, and pamper yourself. This will also help to build up your self-esteem, which may have been damaged by your parent’s negative influence over the years. Some positive self-care habits you can develop include: Taking time each day for basic hygiene, such as taking shower, getting dressed in clean clothes that make you feel good, and styling your hair. Exercising and eating healthy foods. Relaxing, such as by practicing yoga, meditating, or taking a bubble bath.