How to Cope With Being Used by a Boy

Moving On After Betrayal

Avoid getting even. Revenge might feel good for a moment, but it can have lasting consequences. Feelings of hurt can overtake you, leaving you bitter, angry, and hostile, but this doesn’t mean you should retaliate. Don’t meet him on a low level; be the bigger person and don’t hurt him back.

Keep your distance. Disengage from this person and don’t allow him back into your life. If you go to the same school, it might be more difficult, but cut as many ties as you can with him. Don’t allow him to continue manipulating or using you. Create as much distance as you can. Delete his number from your phone, cancel connections with him on social media, get rid of his email address, stay away from places he might be, and don't talk to him.

Learn from the experience. Being used is a painful experience. Remind yourself that you are worthy and valuable and no one has the right to treat you with disrespect. Recognize that not every guy is out to use people, and remember that good guys exist. You can use this experience to recognize your own inner strength and learn from the experience.

Take responsibility for how you may have contributed. No, this doesn’t include blaming yourself, but it does mean you can be completely honest with yourself. Taking responsibility is different than taking blame. Taking responsibility means keeping yourself accountable and owning what actions may have contributed to a negative situation, but not assuming all wrongdoing in shame. It may be most natural to feel victimized and that you had nothing to do with being used (and this might be true). But also reflect on if there were any factors that you contributed that made you a target. It’s okay to admit that there were things that contributed to what happened. This allows you to gain insight and learn from your mistakes. Perhaps you were desperate to have a boyfriend, and liked that he gave you attention, even though it wasn’t always positive attention. Maybe you were vulnerable after exiting a previous relationship and wanted to be liked by a boy.

Forgive. Choose to forgive him, when you feel ready. Holding onto bitterness can affect your next relationships and make you feel untrusting toward other guys. Forgiving him releases you from your hurt and pain. It also releases the role he played in your life and allows you to move on without bitterness. Forgiving him doesn’t mean you find his actions acceptable or that you’re forgetting what happened, but it means you are allowing yourself the opportunity to heal from the experience. Choose to accept what happened between the two of you, then choose to not let him have any more power over you or your emotions. Stop holding on to the hurt and allow yourself to start healing. You may never choose to tell him you forgive him, but remember that forgiving him is for you, not for him.

Let go. When you’re ready, let go of him and the pain he caused you. Write down his name and what happened, including all the emotions you feel. Then, get rid of this paper in a way that is meaningful to you. You can flush it down the toilet, (safely) burn it, or tear it up. Writing down the hurt and pain and then disposing of it is a symbolic way of showing you are ready to move on and let go of the pain this caused.

Caring for Yourself

Express how you feel. It’s okay to feel angry, sad, vengeful, or rageful after a betrayal. Don’t bury your feelings, feel free to express them, even if you don’t like to experience negative emotions. You don’t have to pretend that everything is okay, and you don’t have to jump to forgive him. Talk to your friends or a trusted adult about what happened and how you feel. Use a journal to write your feelings. If words aren’t your thing, do art, dance, or listen to music. Using art can help you express your feelings.

Know your basic human rights. When you’ve felt manipulated by someone, remind yourself of your rights and when they are being violated. You have the right to stand up for yourself and to acknowledge when you are being treated disrespectfully. Some basic human rights include the right to: Be treated with respect. Express your feelings and desires. Say “no” without feeling guilty or explaining yourself. Protect yourself.

Don’t take it personally. There is nothing wrong with you. It’s not fair to take the burden of hurt and blame entirely on your shoulders. Recognize that he has his own issues and unfortunately, they involved you. You may not have done anything wrong, and perhaps your biggest mistake was being unaware of his behavior.

Avoid blaming yourself. It’s easy to find fault in yourself or to blame yourself for what happened. Yet, self-blame can be a form of emotional abuse on yourself. Consider your relationship with him, and ask yourself whether he was treating you with respect. Did you feel good about yourself when you were with him? It’s likely he did not treat you with respect and that you are not the one to fully blame. Maybe you look back and have regrets or feel bad for your decisions. Keep in mind you don’t know what would have happened otherwise, and that you didn’t have the knowledge/experience then that you have now. Remember, blame doesn’t fix a situation. It only makes you feel worse about your decisions. Realize that you cannot change your past decisions, but you are capable of changing your decisions in the future. Accept that absolutely everyone makes mistakes. It's how we learn, so be forgiving of yourself and realize that while it is painful now, you'll know better the next time.

Practice resiliency. Being resilient means you are able to work through problems — both big and small — and bounce back easily. Build your resilience by getting adequate sleep, exercising, and nourishing your body with good food. Build your tolerance for uncertain situations and for frustration by keeping an open mind and finding positive outcomes in all situations, even if they seem overwhelmingly negative. Keep a positive attitude by filtering negative thoughts (blaming yourself, anticipating the worst, seeing things as either “all good” or “all bad”) and engaging positive thoughts (using humor, putting a positive spin on situations, seeing the positives in every situation). Keeping your mind and body in positive states help you cope with daily struggles as well as large situations.

Use self affirmations. By using self affirmations, you can begin to change the negative stories you may believe in your head and start being able to handle life’s difficulties more easily. Using self affirmations allows you to expand an aspect of yourself. After a difficult situation like feeling used by a boy, you may feel worthless or that you are not valuable. Challenge these thoughts by focusing on your value and worth as true statements. First, make a list of your strengths. This will help give you the evidence to counter any negative thoughts about yourself. Include things you're proud of, your accomplishments, things you are good at. Things like being a good friend, creative, kind, and good at math, and so on. If you have trouble, ask your loved ones to contribute. Now when you have the thought, "I am worthless," you can look to all the evidence you have collected that says otherwise — think about all the people who don't feel this way about you and who value you as a friend and family member. Then counter the negative thought with the affirmation: "I am a valuable person, because I have many people in my life who value me." Once you begin to feel stronger and more confident that your affirmations are true, try saying them aloud or writing them down. You can write them in a journal every day, write them on a mirror for when you get ready in the morning, or start your day by saying them out loud to yourself. You may feel silly at first, but stick with it. You may be surprised at how they start to change your perception and your life the longer you keep with it.

Have a solid support network. Keep supportive friends and family members close, and don’t be afraid to call someone if you need someone to talk to or need a hug. Surround yourself with people that care about you and that you care about back. The people in your life don’t want you to suffer alone. Reach out for support when you need it. Even if you feel like being alone, push yourself and go hang out with friends. Let yourself laugh and feel good and enjoy the company of your friends. Have friends that you can talk to about your problems that will listen and support you. Talk to your parents or a trusted adult when you need a listening ear or you want advice. This can be a teacher, coach, or spiritual leader.