How to Bribe Someone

Preparing to Bribe Someone

Decide whether your situation calls for bribery. Bribery can be useful, but can backfire on you if you're not careful. For example, a mom bribing her kids to finish their vegetables might find herself having to offer a new incentive every night! Alternately, a kid bribing parents to attend a party might come off as manipulative instead of open to compromise. Before deciding to bribe someone, answer the following questions honestly: Do I really need the thing I'm asking for? Can I handle the situation myself or just go without? Can I afford to offer something in return? Will this bribe change people's opinion of me? Will that make my life harder down the road? Will the bribe become an expected part of our relationship?

Ask yourself what specific actions the task requires. If you’re going to bribe someone, you want to make sure that you get exactly what you want. You need to be as specific as possible when explaining what you need in return for your gift or favor. There's a better chance the person will agree to a specific action, rather than a vague objective. For example, "helping me move" could be a three-hour time investment or a week-long investment. Give specific hours and a clear description of what you’re asking the person to do: “I need to borrow your truck Friday and Saturday, from 5-9 p.m., and need your help moving large furniture at that time.” Be as specific as possible about what you need, so the person you're bribing won't want to say "no" off the bat.

Make a list of people who could do what you need. When it comes to bribing, picking the right person to bribe is the name of the game. Start by asking yourself who among your contacts has access to what you need to gain your desired result. You may want to make an actual list while going through phone or Facebook contacts. In our moving example, you want to skip anyone you know is lazy or too weak to lift heavy furniture for you. People who are organized efficient, strong and active, and who own trucks will be most useful to you.

Narrow your list. First, cross people off the list based on their availability. Think about which people will be legitimately unable help (instead of just not wanting to help). Cross anyone who's out of town, at work, unwell, or otherwise out of action off the list. Also ask yourself who would be most receptive to a bribe. People who might otherwise be too lazy to help you move might perk up if you offer a free round of golf, a weekend of babysitting, or something else they value highly.

Decide what to bribe them with. Successfully bribing someone is about finding the right price. A bribe doesn't always have to be about money! You can offer favors in return, goods, services, or anything else you think someone might want. In fact, many people find accepting money vulgar, and you may have more luck by offering a gift than cash. Think about what each person on your list would value most, and personalize your bribes. For help moving, you might offer to cover gas costs, then sweeten the pot with dinner and drinks once the move is complete. Open-ended IOUs ("I owe you") can be an effective bribe. Be ready to return the favor when called on, though. The fewer people who can supply what you want, the more expensive the bribe needs to be. For example, plenty of people can help you move — you can get by offering pizza and beer. But if you're bribing a friend to quit smoking, only one person can provide that favor. You'll need a heftier bribe.

Make your final decisions on who and how to bribe. Think of your decision in terms of "return on investment." The people you bribe should be the ones who will offer you the most in return for the gifts that cost you least.

Bribing Someone

Don’t call it a bribe openly. Even in cultures where bribery is common and accepted, people don't like to think of themselves as bribers or bribes. When approaching the person you're bribing, there are many ways to frame the bribe in different terms. You might call it a negotiation: "Mom, I'll do extra chores for a whole month if you let me go to this concert." Frame it as a compromise: "If you waive the late fees on my account, I will sign a new 2-year contract with your company. That way, we both win." Frame it as a fee: "If you help me move, I'll pay you for your labor and gas."

Begin early and slowly. Once you know who to approach and how to bribe them, approach the person you're bribing as far in advance as possible. A number of small gifts over time can prime a person to provide a service in the future without you ever even framing the service as a bribe. They might just want to help you because you've been so nice to them in the past. Sometimes, you need favors quickly. In that case, ease into the topic slowly. Talk about how difficult the situation is for you and how much you need help before asking for the favor. Especially when talking to someone you don't know well, you want the person to feel bad for you before you ask for their help.

Start low. As with any good negotiation, the person you plan to bribe likely won't respond to your first offer. Treat it like an auction or negotiation. Start with a low bid with the expectation that the amount will probably rise. Judge the starting point for negotiation based on your knowledge of the person. If you start too low, the person might get offended that you thought you could bribe them so cheaply. If you start too high, then you might reach the limit of what you can offer before the person feels he's been offered a good deal.

Negotiate the terms. Will the gift be given ahead of time? When the favor has been given? Sometime in the future? Make sure the terms of your agreement are clear ahead of time to prevent hard feelings down the line. Many people may only agree to a bribe if the they're "paid" upfront. "We'll go out for drinks on me as soon as we're finished moving my furniture." In some situations, the bribe might be drawn out over time, such as with the example of bribing a friend to stop smoking. In this case, you can offer the bribe in smaller chunks based on progress. "Every week you go without smoking, I'll take you out for a nice dinner on the weekend."

Follow through with your end of the deal. If you don’t follow through with the gift you offered, you're lying to and taking advantage of people. He or she will remember this and likely never help you again regardless of any of the circumstances. You might also get a reputation for taking advantage of people, making your other friends less likely to help you in the future.