Starting a Conversation
Ask a question to get their attention. Skip cliches and talk about something they’ve mentioned in their bio or profile. By specifically picking something from their profile, they’ll know you’re not using the same line you use on everyone. If their bio or profile is a little sparse, ask them for their “hot take” on something. Send a funny joke related to their bio: “So you’re a philosophy major. Does that mean all your relationships have to be platonic?” Ask a random question to get their opinion: “Hawaiian or pepperoni pizza?” Use a question or “challenge” related to their bio photos: “I challenge you to find the celebrity lookalike for your dog. Go.” Be confident. Even if you’re nervous, just go for it and send a message. Confidence is attractive! Keep it light. The best Tinder messages start a casual back-and-forth, so you can put your potential date at ease and get to know each other in a fun way.
Talk about topics that bring up positive emotions. Keep your messages short and ask about hobbies, favorite things, family, and pets. Avoid super deep questions and just as genuine, friendly questions. End conversations on positive or funny notes (like sending a GIF). Let them guess about whether or not you’re really interested—at least at first! Find shared interests in hobbies: “Love the Italy pic in your bio. Would you rather travel with friends or travel solo?” Get to know their favorite things: “I’m looking for a movie to watch tonight. Advice?” or “If you were stuck in a room and had to listen to one song on repeat, which song?” Talk about family: “You seem super on top of things. Were you the bossy older sibling?” Bring up pets: “Are you a dog person or cat person?” Don’t be afraid to leave a couple of days between your messaging conversations to build suspense and add a little mystery.
Hint at what you’re looking for and see if they’re on the same page. Whether you’re looking for a casual hookup or your next boyfriend/girlfriend, give your prospective date an idea of where you’re at. Give cues through the types of messages you send, or ask outright what they’re looking for on Tinder. Check their bio, too, since they might’ve specified the relationship they’re looking for. “I know Tinder has a pretty distinct reputation. Why’d you decide to hop on here?” Pay attention to their responses to types of messages you send. For instance, when you send a steamier text, do they respond positively or change the subject?
Asking Them Out
Start planning the date after you’ve sent about 12 messages. That way, you won’t get stuck in online limbo! Remember, though, it’s better late than never to take the big step to dating IRL. As long as they’re still responding to you, just make sure to ask within 3 weeks if 12 messages seems too soon.
Pick a fun, short activity. The best advice is to ask them out to coffee or drinks, since it’s not as time or money-intensive as lunch or dinner. Before you ask, make sure you have a specific place in mind. If you’re not into coffee and cocktails, check out these other ideas: Go to a spot with games, like an arcade or mini-golf course. Check out a place with live music. Plan a picnic in the park. Get outdoorsy and go for a walk, hike, or bike ride. Go to an ice-skating rink or try indoor rock climbing. Take a museum tour together. Visit a flea market or farmer’s market. Go to trivia night. Take a cooking class or pottery class together. Since you’re meeting a new person, make sure to choose a public place so that you stay safe and your date feels comfortable.
Give your date a choice of days. Prevent lots of back-and-forth scheduling by giving them clear options. Just be sure to clearly and confidently say where you’d like to go and give them an idea of what the date will look like. “I’d love to take you to Coffee Roasters. Does Saturday or Sunday morning at 10AM work better for you?” “When are you free this weekend? I’ll take you to Chef Zhao’s, my favorite dumpling spot in the city.”
Confirm the date the day before (or morning before). Double check that your date remembers you’re meeting up, and remind them that you’re interested and not going to flake! For a morning date, confirm the night before. For an evening date, shoot your date a text or message in the morning. “Hey, I’m looking forward to meeting up Saturday. See you at 9!” “Can’t wait to see you later at dinner.
Moving Off-Platform
Get their phone number before the date. Use the move off-platform to set your match apart, but wait until you have something scheduled since you’ll have better odds of getting their number with a date on the calendar. When you move off-platform, they no longer have the option to unmatch you, so some people might be more cautious about leaving Tinder. If they give you their number or agree to match on a different social media account, they trust you and want to keep the conversation going. Use a lighthearted line: “If I had your number, I wouldn’t have to be reminded that we met on Tinder.” Try an honest request: “You seem cool and I’d love to move out off Tinder. What’s your number?” Give them a solid reason to get their number: “I don’t check Tinder super often. Could I get your phone number?” or “I’m looking forward to the date. Can I get your number?” Keep it simple: “Can I get your number?” (and send a smiley face emoji)
Video chat to screen them before the date. Video chatting gives you a better idea of how the person will act in real life, to avoid any awkwardness and check to see if there’s a spark! Plus, research shows that you get to present more of your own individuality, and let your charisma, cheerfulness, and sociability shine through (even if you don’t feel like you’re super photogenic).
Tell a friend about your plans for the date in order to stay safe. Since you’re meeting a stranger for the first time, let a friend know where you’re going and what time you’ll be back. You can even use your phone to share your location with a friend so they can monitor where you are. Keep your phone fully charged so you can contact someone if you need help.
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