Recognizing Martyr Syndrome in Relationships
Know that people with martyr syndrome suffer mostly by choice. When someone has martyr syndrome, they often choose to continue suffering, rather than fixing the problem, because they think that their suffering provides them with the completeness and fulfillment required to lead a meaningful and whole life. More than anything, a person with martyr syndrome longs for recognition and approval from those around them.
Recognize martyr syndrome in someone who you suspect is dealing with an abusive relationship. Continuing to suffer, rather than fixing the problem, is a common symptom of those who are in an abusive or harassing relationship. They stay with the person causing them pain because they think that they can change the person’s ways with their unselfish behavior. Even if they have the choice of getting out of their bad situation, they choose to stay in it because they think it is more noble to suffer and if they leave the situation, they may be viewed as selfish. For example, someone may stay with an abusive spouse for two reasons. One would be that they think it is their duty to fix the partner and their relationship, so they suffer in order to be unselfish and mend the partner's ways. The second reason may be that they choose to stay because they does not want their children to live in a disturbed home. Because of this, they choose to suffer rather than letting their children suffer, as they think would happen if they were to leave their spouse.
Note any role model that the person has. People with martyr syndrome often select someone to be their role model. This role model is generally someone who chose to suffer rather than confront a situation in order to achieve a goal of some kind. Because of this role model, the person is ruled by thoughts of others and puts themselves on a pedestal of for having taken up the task of rendering selfless services for the sake of others.
Take note if the person often complains that their selflessness goes unacknowledged. People with martyr syndrome often look and act unhappy because they feel that their sacrifices are underappreciated. A person with martyr syndrome will often feel like the person they have sacrificed for does not really how instrumental they have been in the person’s success. The person will mostly talk about how difficult life has been because they have had to sacrifice so much for the benefit of others. They will never talk about other options that they could have chosen to remedy the situation.
Understand that people the person will have a hard time letting the person they ‘sacrificed for’ live their own lives. The person will often remind the person that they sacrificed for that they deserve acknowledgement and appreciation. Even the slightest display of an attitude that they take to be less than respectful will be taken as an insult. Because of this, the person will get offended easily and will be set off by the slightest of triggers. For example, someone with martyr syndrome might say, "I did so much for them, so the least they could do is involve me in every aspect of their life, in every decision they make. They owe me their respect and acknowledgement for my services to them.”
Note that the person will always talk highly of themselves. The person will always talk about themselves as a person who chose to suffer because of a noble cause. They will act as if they are constantly chased by a nagging feeling that people who have benefited from their sacrifices just do not recognize and acknowledge their selfless contributions and services. The person also will not hesitate in voicing displeasure to anyone that is willing to listen. They want as many people as possible to know how unfortunate they are for having gotten the short end of the stick because of their acts of sacrifice.
Notice if the person expects everyone to shower them with sympathy. People with martyr syndrome expect others to admire them for their selfless spirit. They greatly enjoy being showered with sympathy for the dreams and aspirations they put aside so that they could benefit someone else. If anyone tries to challenge the person’s intentions, or points out that the person did not have to sacrifice everything, the person will become very upset and angry. A normal response is to claim that the challenger is selfish, ungrateful, and has no idea what the person’s life has been life.
Be aware that the person will refuse assistance. When a person with martyr syndrome is in the process of fixing someone else’s life, they will refuse any help, or deem any help that they receive as insignificant in the full scheme of things. They will not listen to advice or suggestions because they think that everything that happens is because of them--no one else had a hand in any of the changes that were made. Wherever possible, the person with martyr syndrome will paint the picture like they were the only one to shoulder any burden in the situation, even if other people helped, or the situation didn’t really need to be fixed in the first place.
Know that the person will demand displays of love and respect. The person will love you and shower you with affection, but in return they will ask for your own outward displays of love and respect. Unsaid actions of love don’t satisfy people with martyr syndrome--they need the most overt forms of expression. They will expect you to talk about their sacrifices and unselfishness to everyone that you come into contact with. They will also expect gifts that show how much you appreciate them.
Recognizing Martyr Syndrome at Work
Pay attention to when the person arrives and leaves. One of the more common signs of martyr syndrome at work is when the person you suspect has the syndrome arrives before everyone else in the office, and stays until after everyone leaves. Try to get to work early and stay late to see if the person does in fact arrive before everyone else, and stays until after everyone else has gone home. Having no life, or very little life, outside of work can also be a sign of martyr syndrome--the person may arrive early or stay late because they have an imbalanced life that revolves entirely around work.
Take note of work that the person brings home. A person with martyr syndrome at work will not hesitate to bring work home with them. They will affirm that they aren't really bound by office hours and are more than happy to bring the work home. You can keep track of this by noting the time that they send out hours--if they send and respond to emails at hours when they should be doing anything but work, take note. If they send or respond to emails at odd hours every once in a while, this does not necessarily mean they are an office martyr. However, if this is a daily occurrence, they may have martyr syndrome.
Notice if the person often complains about working hard without gaining recognition. The person expects coworkers to know how hard they work based on the amount of hours they stay at the office, rather than by how efficient or productive they are. The person may view themselves as the only person in the organization that can properly get the job done; therefore, they have a hard time delegating parts of the job to others that they think will produce sub-par work. This causes the office martyr to take double the time to finish the task. People with martyr syndrome may also have harder times prioritizing their tasks because they are overly aware of how important their task is.
Pay attention to the person’s views on what the company would be without them. People with martyr syndrome honestly believe that the companies they work for would crumble without them. Because of this, they have a hard time taking days off. When they do take the day off, they work from home to ensure that the company does not fall to ruin.
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