How to Recognize and Deal with Relationship Anxiety

• Relationship anxiety is when you experience worries or doubts about your relationship or your partner, and whether or not they’re right for you.
• Signs of relationship anxiety include frequent questioning of your own feelings, overthinking your partner’s actions, and comparing your relationship to others.
• Combat relationship anxiety by keeping a journal of your concerns, and by communicating those concerns to your partner in order to face them together.

What is relationship anxiety?

Relationship anxiety is when you doubt the legitimacy of your relationship. You might question whether or not your partner really loves you, wonder if they’re cheating, or even wonder if you’re capable of maintaining a romantic relationship at all. These are natural, passing thoughts that pretty much everyone in a relationship has, and they don’t necessarily mean you’re not in love. But the problem arises when those thoughts persist and begin to alter your behavior. If left unchecked, relationship anxiety can damage trust between partners and erode intimacy, but by no means does it spell the end of a relationship for certain. Chronic, stressful, and compromising relationship anxiety is called relationship obsessive-compulsive disorder (ROCD), which itself is a variety of OCD.

Relationship anxiety is caused by a fear of abandonment. When you’re worried about others leaving you alone, your mind may start thinking things that aren’t necessarily true, which is the primary cause of relationship anxiety. And when you let those thoughts get away from you, it becomes harder and harder to see the truth, or to make sense of those thoughts. Fears of abandonment are often caused by past traumatic experiences, like abuse or experience with others neglecting or leaving you. ROCD may be caused by existing OCD, manifesting as anxieties about your relationship.

Signs You Have Relationship Anxiety

You question your own feelings for them. This may be the most prominent sign, and also the very reason you’re reading this article in the first place. At some points, you may wonder whether or not you actually love your partner. You might focus on this question obsessively, until it becomes hard to even tell the answer. At this point, being in love actually feels like anxiety, rather than the walk in the park you hoped it would be. The good news is that if you’re not in love, you probably don’t even have to question it. The very fact that you agonize over whether or not you feel deeply for your partner is a sign that you do, and that you’re dealing with relationship anxiety, not a lack of love.

You often worry about the relationship’s future. People with relationship anxiety tend to spend a lot of time trying to envision the future of the relationship. Will you overcome your differences and become closer, or will you eventually separate? The future is uncertain, and that uncertainty sets you on edge or even keeps you up at night. Deal with relationship doubts by bringing up the future with your partner, to make sure you’re on the same page. Ask them about whether or not they want kids, where they might want to settle down, or even if they see themselves married in 10 years.

You overthink their every word and action. Relationship anxiety might lead you to take a magnifying glass to your partner’s behavior, looking for any subtle signs that they might not love you anymore. They might say or do something a little bit off, and suddenly your mind blares the alarms, and all you can think about is why they did that, if it’s a sign of trouble, and if it’s somehow your own fault. This overanalysis can become debilitating, preventing you from living your usual life. Stop those negative thoughts first by acknowledging that you’re having them, then by reminding yourself that what you think isn’t always what’s true.

You doubt that they love you and want them to validate it. You can never totally know what anyone else is thinking, it’s true. But with relationship anxiety, your mind can’t help but question whether or not your partner wants to be with you. You might be worried that they’re only with you out of obligation, or because it’s easier than the alternative. You might also worry that they harbor resentment for you, but won’t say. In addition, you may frequently ask your partner to affirm their love for you, or assure you that they do want to be with you, but ultimately, you may not be satisfied with the answer. Know that it’s more than likely that your partner wouldn’t be with you if they didn’t like you. If you find yourself thinking they don’t, try making a list of all the ways they’ve shown that they love you, to prove it to yourself, rather than asking your partner to prove it.

You withdraw from them easily. You might clam up around your partner sometimes, worried you might say or do something wrong. Or, you might be hesitant to interact freely because you’re worried you won’t be genuine or feel passionately while you do things you think should prompt those feelings, like going on dates. You feel that it’s easier to avoid those opportunities than to let them disappoint you. It’s hard, we know, but challenge yourself to move past those thoughts. There’s no “right” way to feel anything. The only question that matters in your relationship is, “Does this make me happy?” not, “Does this make me happy enough?”

You feel insecure or unworthy. Sometimes, you might doubt that you’re worthy of being someone’s partner, or you might think that you don’t deserve their love. Your mind tells you that the very fact that you’re questioning the relationship is some sort of betrayal, and that your partner would be better off with someone who didn’t have those doubts. Everyone has these sorts of thoughts now and then, and they don’t make you unworthy or a bad person. Your thoughts are just that—thoughts—and it’s what you do and how you show affection for your partner that matters.

You try your best to appease them. People with relationship anxiety sometimes have experience with volatile or inconsiderate partners in the past. This causes them to tread lightly around their current partner, or to work extra hard to make them happy, to avoid those outbursts. You might silence yourself or your concerns, even if your current partner is empathetic and understanding. Communicating your concerns is a vital part of having a healthy relationship. Use “I” statements to express when your feelings are hurt, or when you have reservations. For example, say something like, “I felt hurt after you said that, even if you didn’t mean it that way. Can you clarify what you meant?”

You monitor their social media profiles. Your anxiety over whether or not your partner loves you may lead to closely examining their interactions with other people. You might check their social media activity to monitor them, or to try to catch them “cheating.” This mistrust, though, is often unfounded, and damages your connection. If you find yourself obsessively monitoring your partner’s social media, try taking a break or even deactivating your own social media accounts to remove the temptation.

You get caught up in the little problems. You and your partner might have a minor disagreement, and you worry it means you’re incompatible. Or, you wonder if the fact that you dislike a little habit of your partner means that they’re not the one for you. Small problems become large in your mind, and you have trouble moving past them. There’s no such thing as perfectly compatible partners; every relationship has little snags or hiccups—and even big snags, from time to time. Everyone is different, and that’s just how it is when 2 different people get together.

You wait for something to go wrong. When you have relationship anxiety, you might convince yourself that the relationship is doomed to fail, and that it’s just a matter of time before something triggers that ending. It brings you some small relief when you decide that there’s no point trying to save things, but that mindset is unfair to both you and your partner. Divert these destructive thoughts by enjoying the moment. Make a mental list of all the good things you have and enjoy about the relationship right now, to take your mind off what it might look like in the future.

You compare your relationship to others. Relationship anxiety makes you wonder if you and your partner are somehow “doing it wrong,” or that you aren’t a model couple, so you look to other couples to compare. You analyze other people’s relationships and try to find ways that they’re somehow happier or more more suited for each other than you and your partner. These might be real relationships, or even those that you see on TV or in books. You might also compare your current relationship to your previous relationships, trying to decide if it’s better than your last. Understand that there are as many relationships and ways to love someone as there are people, and looking at other people’s dynamics isn’t very productive. If you were like other couples, your love wouldn’t be your own.

Your sex life isn’t what it used to be. When you're constantly stressing over whether or not you and your partner are a good match, intimacy might become difficult. You may not be in the mood because of your uncertainties. Or, you might be hesitant to engage in sex because you’re worried that you won’t feel enough passion, and you’d take that as proof that you’re not in love. In these cases, open and honest communication is key. Let your partner know that your lack of intimacy isn’t their fault, but rather that you’re struggling with difficult thoughts and anxieties. For example, say, “I want to be close to you, but I’m struggling with some unwelcome thoughts right now that’s making it hard. Can we talk about them?”

Signs You’re Not In Love

You frequently daydream about other possible partners. When you’re falling out of love, you start to frequently wonder about what life would be like with another person, one other than your current partner. You tend to think that the grass might be greener with a new person, and this distraction becomes a preoccupation. Don’t get us wrong, everyone has uncomfortable thoughts now and then. The problem arises when mere curiosity becomes a legitimate longing to be with another person.

You don’t look forward to quality time anymore. Before, spending time with your partner was the only thing you ever wanted to do. Now, though, you just don’t want to make the effort. Quality time with your partner is more of a distraction or a nuisance than a privilege or a time to be savored. You may feel similarly if you have relationship anxiety, but the difference is that with relationship anxiety, you want to want to spend time with your partner, or the fact that you don’t troubles you. When you’re falling out of love, though, you’re usually aware that it’s because you no longer enjoy time with your partner.

You feel repulsed by or resentful of your partner. Once, your partner was the center of your world. Now, though, their very presence in your life is more of a burden than a boon. Their flaws become painfully apparent and you can’t seem to see past them. At some point, it becomes hard to ignore your incompatibility. If you have relationship anxiety, you might purposefully seek out those flaws and analyze them. When you’re falling out of love, though, those flaws seem to crop up on their own.

You become bored or dissatisfied. One telltale sign of falling out of love is feelings of boredom or of being “trapped” in the day-to-day of the relationship. At some point, things stalled, and it feels like you and your partner are stuck in a routine, or that you’ve explored all there is to explore about your dynamic. With relationship anxiety, the problem is less often boredom than it is anxiety over becoming bored. It’s not that you’re actually dissatisfied with the relationship, per se, but that you’re constantly worried about being dissatisfied.

You don’t even try to resolve your differences. When you’re falling out of love (or realizing you were never in love to begin with), disagreements become the norm. At some point, they’re so regular that you stop trying to resolve them. Or, fighting becomes the primary method of communication, so much so that you may not even want to resolve the issue. When you have relationship anxiety, on the other hand, you generally want to solve your differences or move past arguments, even while you’re looking for them, for the sake of the relationship.

You don’t want to think about the future. When you’re not in love, there’s really only 1 viable course of action, which is to end the relationship.. You know this, and so you avoid talking about the future with your partner. Discussing long-term plans becomes painful, and you may feel like doing so would just be deceiving your partner. Reader Poll: We asked 325 wikiHow readers about what led them to end a tricky romantic relationship, and 65% agreed that when it started to make them feel anxious or confused, that was the final straw. [Take Poll] So if this is in line with how you're feeling, you're not alone.

You feel apathetic about the relationship. When you grow distant from your partner, your priorities tend to shift to other things. This might be your job, or your hobbies. At some point, the relationship itself became secondary, and you may even not care about how it’s proceeding. When you’re in love, though, you might feel anxiety rather than apathy. Even if it feels like things are falling apart, you’re still invested and worried, which is a sign that you’re still in love.

Overcoming Relationship Anxiety

Keep a journal to track your anxieties. Any time you catch yourself showing a sign of relationship anxiety, or thinking destructive thoughts about your relationship, jot them down in a private journal. This helps you identify those thoughts for what they are—just thoughts, and not reality. It also helps your externalize those thoughts, which helps to keep them from muddling up your mind. For example, if you find yourself stressing about something your partner said or did, write down what they said, how you feel about it, and why. This might lend some clarity to the situation.

Tell your partner that you need some assurance. Relationship anxiety might convince you that you’re in this alone, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. You and your partner are a team. Communicate your anxieties to your partner, and also explain some ways that they might help you put your doubts to rest. For example, say, “I’ve been having some thoughts about our relationship that I can’t seem to control. You know that I love you, so could you help me work through them?” You might ask your partner to spend more quality time with you, or to tell you that they love you more often.

Practice positive self-talk to assuage your anxiety. Your inner voice is often to blame for those nagging anxieties, but the good news is that you can redirect that voice and make it say things that are kinder to yourself and more productive to your relationship. To boost your self-esteem and override that voice, practice positive self-talk. Any time you hear that voice, think, “That’s just a passing thought, and it doesn’t define who I am.” Also, write down 10 things you like about yourself. Asserting your own worth and value goes a long way to actually believing that you’re worthy of your partner and their love, because you are!

Exercise to boost your confidence and redirect your thoughts. Exercise is proven to alleviate a number of mental health issues. It releases serotonin and dopamine, which physically and emotionally make you feel better. It’s also a great way to stop negative thoughts in their tracks as you turn your mind toward physical activity. Not only that, but it boosts your own self-confidence, attacking those thoughts at their source. Any time you find yourself caught in a pattern of anxious thoughts, try going for a quick walk or run around the block, or even just do a set of 10 sit ups or pushups. Whatever gets your body moving and your mind stopping.

Talk to a trusted friend for an outside perspective. The “trap” of relationship anxiety is that so much of it happens in your own head. Getting out of your head by talking to a trusted friend, then, is a great way to find some much-needed perspective. Try to talk with a friend who has relationship experience, especially; they may be able to tell you more about their own experiences, and you might find that you’re not alone in your worries. For example, say, “I’ve been having some relationship troubles recently, and I want to talk them out with someone I trust. Can I talk to you about this?”

Talk to a therapist or relationship counselor to treat more severe anxiety. Relationship anxiety and relationship OCD are both widely recognized and thoroughly studied. Talking to a therapist about your condition may lend you some valuable insight, and a professional will be able to diagnose your root concerns and help you plan a way forward. Also, consider going to couple’s therapy or counseling. You and your partner are in this together, and getting informed together is a great advantage when it comes to tackling relationship anxiety.