Respecting Their Independence
Grant your teen privacy unless you notice signs of trouble. Always knock on their door before you enter their room. Don’t try to eavesdrop on their phone calls, look over their shoulder when they’re texting, or read their emails. Teens need privacy, and healthy boundaries can help you develop a trusting relationship with your child. Respecting their privacy will let your teen know that you trust them and view them as a responsible young adult. Respect their privacy unless you believe their safety is at risk. If you believe they’re in danger of harming themselves or others, suspect drug use, or have observed any concerning signs, you have the right and responsibility to identify the problem. Concerning signs may include drastic changes in personality, skipping school, lower grades, extreme or sudden weight changes, or run-ins with the law.
Let them know that you respect their opinions. Your teen will challenge your authority, and they have the right to disagree with you. Explain that they’re allowed to have opinions that differ from yours on matters from current events to house rules. When it comes to discipline, acknowledge that they have a right to disagree, but that doesn’t mean they can disregard your rules. For instance, instead of interrupting your teen, allow them to finish speaking. If you’re having a disagreement about house rules, tell them, “I respect your opinion, and you have a right to disagree. However, it’s my job to look out for your well-being, and going to a party without an adult present is too risky.” Teach your teen how to respectfully disagree with someone. It will help improve your relationship as well as make them learn a valuable life skill.
Encourage them to solve problems and conflicts on their own. It can be tough to hang back as a parent, but try to allow your teen to work out solutions independently. Letting them solve their own problems can help them develop the judgment they’ll need to navigate adulthood. Note that you should still be available to offer advice and support, and never put risk their safety at risk. Suppose your teen is involved in a lot of extracurricular activities and is having trouble managing their time. Instead of demanding that they quit a club or sport, try asking them, “What are some ways that you can change your schedule and set your priorities?” Ask them how they are managing everything and how their activities now are helping them achieve their long-term goals. Gentle nudges in the right direction can be helpful. You might say, “You’ve been playing basketball for 10 years, so maybe that’s a higher priority than choir, which you just started this year. I’m proud of you for trying something new, but maybe you should cut back on choir until basketball season is over.”
Include them in your rule-making process. As a parent, it’s your job to set the rules, and you have the final say. However, let your teen lend their input on how and when to accomplish your goals. You might have an easier time getting them to meet your expectations if you allow them to make choices. For example, they might need to clean their room before the end of the weekend, but you could let them decide when they do it. When they fulfill their end of the bargain, grant them a little more negotiating power. If they always check in with you when they’re out and never break their curfew, talk to them about extending their curfew by 30 minutes.
Enforcing Your Rules
Set clear, specific rules instead of vague guidelines. Specific rules are easier to follow and leave fewer gray areas. Ambiguity can lead to conflicts, so make sure your teen clearly understands your expectations. For instance, “Be home by 10 p.m.” is more specific than “Don’t stay out too late.” If you don’t specify a time, you might get into an argument about what “too late” means. Include consequences for if the rules are ever broken. Keep your teen informed at all times.
Explain your rules’ purposes. When you identify a rule, explain your rationale, and avoid saying things like, “Because I said so.” Your teen might be less likely to rebel if you give them explanations instead of commands. Align your rules with family values or characteristics you’re trying to teach your teen. Tell your teen, “When you drive or ride your bike to your friend’s house, you need to call when you arrive. I need to make sure you’re safe. If you don’t check in, I might worry that you got into an accident.” If they’ve lied about their whereabouts before, you might say, “When you call, I’d like to speak with one of Sam’s parents. You can earn back my trust in time but, for now, I need to confirm that you’re telling the truth about where you go.”
Work with any co-parents to develop consistent rules. Establish consistent, specific rules with your partner or any co-parents involved in raising your teen. When your teen breaks rules, you and other co-parents should also deliver consequences consistently. For example, suppose you go out of town and your teen stays out past their curfew. If your spouse doesn't punish them, they'll lose respect for your authority. If you and your teen's other parent aren't together, rules should be consistent across both households. It's confusing if something is allowed at one parent's home and prohibited at the other.
Do your best to limit their screen time. Cell phones and other electronic devices can keep kids up all night, so restrict screen time about an hour before bed. Computers should be located in public areas and used primarily for schoolwork. Blocking access to pornographic websites and other mature content is also wise, especially for younger teens. Make it a rule that they need to keep their phone in a designated spot overnight, when they do homework, and during dinner. You can use apps to restrict mature content or purchase a plan that doesn't include web data. If they have social media profiles, require them to add you as a friend. Encourage your teen to make social connections in real life rather than over the internet. Technology is among the most complex aspects of raising a teen. It plays a role in topics including time management, friendships, bullying, and sexuality. While you need to help your teen use technology and social media in healthy ways, they might become ostracized at school if you restrict their access too much. Coordinating with like-minded parents of their peers might help you come up with the right boundaries.
Respond to broken rules with relevant consequences. When delivering consequences, your goal should be to correct misbehavior, not to impose the harshest possible punishment. Your teen is more likely to learn a lesson if you deliver consequences that are logically related to the rule they broke. Natural consequences, which are the negative results of a bad decision, are good ways to teach teens lessons. For instance, if they skip practice to hang out with friends, they’ll get kicked off of the team. When natural consequences don't apply, deliver a punishment that fits their offense. For example, if they got home 2 hours late, you might set their curfew to an earlier time or ground them for 2 weeks. Challenging authority is part of being a teenager, so don’t take their rule-breaking personally. Try to stay rational, and focus on addressing misbehavior instead of reacting with anger or harsh criticism.
Follow your own rules to reinforce your value system. Your teen won’t respect the house rules if they routinely see you breaking them. Even if they don’t show it (or realize it themselves), your child constantly learns from the behavior you model. For instance, if they’re not allowed to have their cell phone out at dinner, be sure to put yours away as well. If they see you blow off responsibilities at work, they’re less likely to follow through when you tell them to do their homework.
Discussing Sensitive Topics
Use clear, kind language to explain physical and emotional changes. If possible, talk to your child about the changes adolescence brings before they occur. Let them know the changes they experience are normal, that they shouldn’t feel ashamed, and that they can always come to you with any questions. Discussing menstruation with your daughter or nocturnal emissions, or wet dreams, with your son can be awkward. Use proper terminology, and assure your child that these experience are perfectly natural. Use factual language, but try not to come off as clinical. Say, “Feeling strange new emotions and noticing that your body is changing can be overwhelming. These changes are normal, but everyone experiences them in different ways.”
Express that you understand their need to explore their identity. Your teenager will change their appearance, try out new styles, and may explore their sexual orientation or gender identity. While you always need to ensure their safety, give them the space they need to figure out who they are. Keep in mind you still need to maintain boundaries. For example, you might let them decide how to dress, but that doesn’t mean you should allow them to wear a t-shirt with a vulgar message or walk around in their underwear. Don’t chastise your child if they’re questioning their gender identity or sexual orientation. Try to be supportive, educate yourself, and offer them resources, such as books or documentaries. Bear in mind helping them understand their sexuality doesn’t mean you should encourage them to be sexually active. It’s also wise to pick your battles. For instance, let them paint their nails black, and save your objections for more permanent changes to their appearance, like piercings or tattoos.
Talk to them about the dangers of peer pressure and risky behaviors. Help your child plan how to react if their peers pressure them to drink, do drugs, have sex, and engage in other risky behaviors. Explain that they are in charge of their own behavior and make their own choices, and no one can force them to do anything that is dangerous or makes them uncomfortable. Discuss the dangers of drinking, doing drugs, and being sexually active. Explain that alcohol and drugs can damage their body, alter their ability to make decisions, and put them in potentially dangerous situations. Discourage them from having sex and say, “You should wait to have sex until you’re older and in a committed relationship with someone you love. However, if you are ever sexually active in any way, you must use protection. Pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases are consequences that can affect the rest of your life.” Tell them, “If someone makes you feel like you have to impress them, they’re not a very good friend. A true friend wouldn’t force you to do something you shouldn’t just to look cool.”
Hold off on letting them go on one-on-one dates. Teens between ages 13 and 15 should socialize in groups. It might seem old-fashioned, but you should only allow your teen to go on one-on-one dates after they turn 16. For most teenagers, there are major psychological and physical differences between ages 15 and 16. When you do allow your teen to go on solo dates, ensure they stick to their curfew and have them check in with you regularly. Public places, like restaurants and movies, might be appropriate settings, but don’t let your teen hang out at their date’s house without an adult present. If you’re not sure if your child is being honest with you, check in with their date’s parents.
Building a Strong Relationship
Try to share a meal together every day. Breakfast or dinner are great opportunities to catch up with each other. If daily meals aren’t possible, do your best to make time for a least a few family meals each week. Put your phones away when you have meals together. Ask questions that call for more than yes or no answers like, “What was the most interesting thing you learned today?” or “What do you think about that new single your favorite band released?”
Show that you care about their interests and activities. If they play a sport, attend their games, and show up to their recitals and performances if they dance, sing, play an instrument, or act. Try to learn about their interests, like their favorite music, movies, foods, and things to do. For example, if they like a genre of music or an artist, try listening to some songs. You and your teen could even go to a concert together.
Do activities together that you both enjoy. In addition to showing you care about their likes and dislikes, work on developing shared interests. Try to set aside regular times to do activities related to your shared hobbies and interests. You might both love to shop or get massages, so schedule a monthly shop and spa date. If you both love cycling, ride your bikes together on the weekends. If you’re both interested in a sport, go to professional and college-level games together.
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