How to Overcome Neuroticism

Approaching Your Thoughts and Feelings

Identify your emotions. You might be someone who needs to be perceived as “always friendly” or “never angry.” Perhaps you behave neurotically when faced with an emotion that doesn’t quite fit into your perception of yourself, then block it or evade it in some way. If you want to overcome your neuroticism, learn to acknowledge and feel your emotions. For example, if you’re feeling sad, acknowledge that you feel sad. Notice what sadness feels like in your body and how it affects your thoughts and behaviors. Try to be aware of your feelings and notice any triggers you are exposed to that increase your anxiety, depression or stress.

Express your feelings. Express your emotions when you feel them. Some people find talking about the way they feel helpful. Others enjoy writing, listening to or playing music, dancing, or biking helpful. You might turn to meditation or yoga as a way to deal with your emotions and express them healthfully. The important thing is to let your feelings out, not bottle them up, as bottled emotions can hurt relationships and hurt you. If talking about your feelings helps, confide in a good friend or see a therapist.

Challenge negative thoughts. If you tend to think about negative events, situations, or characteristics, change your self-talk. The way you talk to yourself can influence how you see the world and the problem is, you often perceive your self-talk as true. If you find yourself caught in negative thinking, ask yourself some questions: Am I jumping to negative conclusions? Are these thoughts true? Are there other ways to look at the situation? How would a positive person approach this situation? What’s the best that could happen?

Label your insecurities. Neuroticism can show up in your habits, emotions, relationships, beliefs, and defenses. It can show up as being suppressed (like stuffing your feelings or avoiding things) or overly expressed (like lashing out or over-reacting). You will likely respond in a neurotic way when you feel threatened or insecure. Start to notice when you experience these feelings and how you respond to them. For example, you might become overly anxious if someone is running late and start calling them incessantly or wonder if they’re blowing you off.

Ask for feedback. You may be unaware of the ways you are neurotic, yet those around you may not be. If you’re curious, ask a partner, sibling, or close friend about your behavior. They may provide some insight you may not have. However, recognize that you may not like the answer! Say, “I’m improving myself and would like to know the ways you notice my neuroticism. What do you notice?”

Dealing with Problems

Be practical with your problems. Instead of wallowing in sadness, insecurity, discomfort, or anxiety, get proactive in solving your problems. Acknowledge how you feel, then get moving on finding a solution. For example, if you have many things to accomplish, you might want to put them off or focus on your anxiety. Instead, write a to-do list and cross off a few items each day so they don’t feel so overwhelming. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed, anxious, stressed, or depressed. Just don’t dwell on these feelings. Find ways to face your fears and create less resistance to things. If you tend to avoid certain tasks, set a deadline. For example, if you put off paying bills because money makes you anxious, set one day out of every month to pay bills and get it over with.

Create positive alternatives. If you tend to expect the worst or anticipate problems in many situations, start coming up with positive things to anticipate. The same goes for memories: if you tend to look back on events and pick out the worst things about them, start coming up with positive counters. If you’re stressed about a test, the positive will be when it’s over and it won’t stress you any more. If you focus on a negative event, create a positive experience around it, too. For example, if your plane was late and you missed your connection, the positive can be that you were able to find a different flight without any fees.

Be flexible in relationships. Neuroticism can affect relationships deeply. For example, if you have rigid expectations for your partner or family members, they might feel like they cannot please you or that they have to earn your love. If you have a hard time getting along with others, learn to be flexible and not hold others such very high standards. If someone lets you down, don’t hold it against them forever. Recognize that everyone makes mistakes and be forgiving. Don’t let things like chores ruin your family relationships. If you like chores to be done a certain way, make your expectations known clearly.

Coping with Stress

Participate in activities you enjoy. Make time for activities that are fun and engaging. These activities should feel leisurely and fun, not stressful or time-consuming. You may choose to sip a cup of tea each morning or before bed, write in a journal, play with a pet, take a bath, do some woodworking, or go hiking. Even if you can’t do a leisure activity every day, try to do something fun and relaxing regularly, like 2-3 times each week. Exercise produces endorphins and other feel-good hormones, which improve your mood. Especially if you are prone to neurotic behavior, getting regular exercise can help combat your anxiety and depression.

Practice gratitude. Being grateful can help you experience more happiness and can help reduce stress and anxiety. And it’s simple enough to do: start a daily gratitude practice or keep a gratitude journal. Wake up in the morning and think of three things you are grateful for before getting out of bed. When you go to sleep at night, think of three other things you are grateful for before falling asleep. Get in a daily habit of giving thanks. You can use a bracelet and think of something that you’re grateful for each time you glance at it.

Use coping strategies. Find some healthy outlets for stress, such as relaxation. Start a practice and do something every day for 30 minutes to keep your stress levels low. Create a stress toolkit of things you can do to relieve stress: write in a journal, listen to music, draw or color, or take a walk. Try daily yoga, qi gong, tai chi, or meditation.

See a therapist. If you’re having problems overcoming your neuroticism on your own, a therapist can help you. Start cognitive-behavior therapy (CBT) to help you confront your negative thoughts and replace them with more positive thoughts. Your therapist can help you create coping strategies to help deal with stress and increase your overall happiness. CBT can help you see how your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors influence each other and how making changes can influence all three as well.