Overview
Fear of intimacy refers to feelings of fear or panic when you get close to someone. A fear of physical intimacy is usually associated with sexual relationships, but not always. For example, you may feel anxiety or fear when a friend hugs or touches you platonically.
Symptoms
The most common symptoms are feelings of distrust and anxiety. You'll experience these feelings when you're in physically intimate situations, but they usually bleed over into other aspects of your life, as well. Since there are many reasons why you might develop a fear of physical intimacy, the symptoms you experience may vary. The other most commonly reported symptoms include: Neediness or paranoia in relationships Low self-esteem Discomfort if certain areas of your body are touched Difficulty getting sexually aroused or low libido Feeling unsafe in intimate situations Inability to connect emotionally Intense feelings of guilt and shame
Causes
Abandonment issues. Fear of abandonment is usually rooted in childhood experiences like loss, rejection, or trauma. These experiences can be dramatic for you, like the death of a loved one, neglect, or emotional abuse, but not always. They can also occur on a more subtle level, like in everyday interactions you had with your parents during childhood. Fear of abandonment can also develop after you experience a difficult relationship as an adult, but this is less common.
Sexual abuse in childhood. Being sexually abused is deeply violating and traumatic, especially since it's often carried out by someone close to you. Because of the abuse, you grew up associating physical intimacy and sex with memories of violation, trauma, and abuse. It can be scary to face these negative associations as an adult, but you're already taking the first step if you're here reading this article.
Rape or intimate partner violence/abuse. The impact of sexual violence leaves its mark on you long after your physical injuries heal. You have to navigate extreme feelings like fear, shame, loneliness, and a deep distrust of others. You may experience nightmares, flashbacks, PTSD, anxiety/panic attacks, and depression, all of which can cause sexual and intimacy problems.
Genophobia (an overwhelming fear of sex). A phobia might develop because of specific incident or trauma, but it can also stem from a learned response you developed early in life, usually from a family member. You may also experience genophobia without being the victim of a past sexual trauma; there's evidence that genetic predisposition plays a role.
Depression, anxiety, and/or bipolar disorder. Mental health issues and other psychological factors can make it difficult for you to engage in intimate physical acts like sex and touching. Depression and anxiety are the most common culprits, but there's evidence that people with bipolar disorder may also struggle with a fear of intimacy. Unfortunately, the medications used to treat these disorders can cause secondary sexual problems like low libido, erectile dysfunction, and painful intercourse.
Negative body image and/or body dysmorphia. People struggling with negative body image tend to feel shame about their bodies, so you may try to avoid situations (like sex) where someone could see you naked. Body dysmorphic disorder is similar, but people with BDD experience extreme anxiety over a specific physical defect. You might be imagining the defect completely, or the “defect” may be something extremely minor and hardly noticeable.
Impact
Fear of intimacy impacts your ability to get close to people. This can happen in your friendships, but it's more common in your romantic partnerships. You might withhold affection or put up walls so your partner can't get to know you on an emotional or physical level. Other common effects are: Social isolation Serial dating Sabotaging relationships early on Health-risk behaviors like eating disorders and substance use
Diagnosis
Seek help from a qualified therapist or mental health professional. Identifying and addressing the underlying cause is a crucial part of overcoming your fears. In most cases, working through your trauma with a mental health professional in a safe space will be much more effective. Having the guidance of a professional may also accelerate the healing process and help you come to terms with your feelings. If you're interested in seeing a qualified sex therapist, they can share ideas on how to introduce healthy sexuality into your life. If you’re married or in a committed relationship, a couple's counselor can help you work through physical intimacy issues together.
Treatment
Explore your past trauma in a safe, secure setting. Since trauma is painful, it's completely normal if you've done your best to avoid thinking about it until now. It can be scary and uncomfortable to face traumatic incidents, but understanding and accepting what happened to you in the past enables you to live fully in the present. You can do things like: Explore and work through your memories in a private journal Tell a trusted friend or loved one about what happened Work with a counselor or therapist
Reframe negative thoughts about physical intimacy in a positive way. It's common to have a lot of negative thoughts swirling around in your head about physical intimacy. These thoughts have been there for a long time, so it’s easy to confuse them with facts. Pay attention to the negative thoughts that pass through your mind about sex/physical intimacy and try to immediately replace them with positive thoughts. For example: Instead of “Sex is power over someone” think “Sex is empowering.” Replace “Sex is hurtful” with “Sex is nurturing and healing.” Change “Sex is secretive” to “Sex is private.” Replace “Sex is deceitful” with “Sex is honest and respectful.” Change “Sex is unsafe” to “Sex is safe.” Instead of “Sex is abuse” go with “Sex is positive sexual energy.”
Practice self-compassion and self-care every day. If you were talking to a friend and they told you about their fear of physical intimacy, you’d readily accept who they are and what they’ve been through, right? Try to show yourself the same care and compassion that you’d give your best friend. You deserve that level of kindness. You can also do things like: Try relaxation techniques like meditation and yoga Avoid media triggers (graphic news stories, sexually explicit TV shows/movies) Eat right, exercise, and get 7-9 hours of sleep every night Avoid the temptation to self-medicate with alcohol or drugs
Be patient with yourself as you heal. It’s understandable if you want to “push through” your fear so you can start enjoying physical intimacy, but that’s not a healthy way to deal with it. Fear of physical intimacy isn’t something you can defeat overnight, but you can and will defeat it with time. Focus on building your self-esteem, exploring your feelings, and prioritizing self-care. Healing will come. Sometimes, it might feel like you aren't making much progress on your healing journey. Please don't get discouraged! As long as you're facing your fears head on and doing your best to deal with them in a healthy way, you're making progress.
Communicate openly with your partner about your fears. It's important to explain what your fears are and why you have them so your partner fully understands what's going on. Try to talk about sexual intimacy outside the bedroom in a calm, low-pressure environment. For a successful conversation, express your feelings using "I" statements so your partner doesn't feel blamed. Then, discuss ideas for moving forward, setting boundaries, and so on. For example, you might say, "I don't feel comfortable being touched there because of what happened to me when I was a child. Let's agree to stay away from that area for now, but we can slowly work toward that once I start feeling more comfortable."
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