How to Help Your Girlfriend When She's a Survivor of Sexual Abuse

Common Signs of Abuse

Anxiety about closeness or contact. Physical contact may trigger anxiety, panic, or anger, even if it’s affectionate contact coming from you. This may happen some of the time or all of the time, and may not be limited just to romantic or sexual contact. Also, this anxiety may not be limited to physical contact or closeness. Your becoming emotionally closer to her may also trigger heightened anxiety, especially if her abuser was someone close to her. Note: Like most other possible signs of abuse listed in this section, anxiety can crop up suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere. This may mean there is ongoing sexual abuse happening, or it can be a symptom of prior abuse that may have happened many years ago. There’s no way of knowing for sure based just on the appearance of abuse signals.

Nightmares and flashbacks. The nightmares might relate to her abuse experience, or might instead lack any obvious connection. Flashbacks can occur at any time, but are most likely to be triggered by something related to the abuse—perhaps a location, a sensation, a scent, or something harder for her to identify. Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is very common in survivors of sexual abuse.

Sleep disorders. These can include nightmares, but your girlfriend may experience a range of other sleep issues. Take note if she mentions (or you notice) any of the following: A clear change in sleep patterns (such as when she goes to bed or wakes up). Difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep. Tiredness even when she seemingly gets a full night’s sleep. Changes in sleep preferences (like light levels, temperature, etc.) Difficulty sleeping alone or, alternatively, with someone else.

Changes in eating habits and weight. Your girlfriend might start eating substantially less, lose significant weight, and/or develop an eating disorder like anorexia or bulimia. Alternatively, she might begin eating substantially more, tend to choose unhealthy foods and drinks, and gain weight. Or she might bounce back and forth between these extremes.

Reduced concern for hygiene and appearance. This can be especially noticeable if your girlfriend used to put a lot of effort into how she presented herself. Now, she might just throw on whatever clothes, appear as if the hasn’t brushed her hair or teeth, and be generally unconcerned about her appearance. This can occur because she feels somehow “dirty” or “ruined” by what happened to her, even though she was the blameless victim.

Decrease in school or work performance. This can occur because your girlfriend is so overwhelmed by stress, anxiety, depression, and trauma that she simply doesn’t have the time and energy to focus on work or school as before. Alternatively (or in combination), she may be suffering from an extreme loss of self-esteem and no longer see the point in making the effort.

Depression symptoms. There’s a lot of overlap between common signs of depression and signs of prior (or ongoing) sexual abuse. In addition to the signals already mentioned in this section, keep an eye out for signs like the following: Persistent sadness. Lack of energy. Withdrawal from social activities. Feelings of emptiness. Feeling “down” often or all the time.

Drug and alcohol abuse. Your girlfriend may try to use drugs or alcohol to temporarily mask the pain and trauma she feels about the hideous abuse that was perpetrated against her. Substance abuse can also be a self-destructive behavior—a way to intentionally harm herself due to the abuse-inflicted damage to her self-esteem. Adults who were sexually abused as children or teens are 4-5 times more likely to abuse drugs or alcohol. But the pattern of substance abuse can begin well before adulthood.

Self-harm thoughts or actions. Self-harm, such as by cutting, burning, hitting, or pulling out hair, is an effort to temporarily distract from other pain and to take some measure of control. The self-harm is usually done in private, so you’re more likely to notice signs of it such as scarring or bruising. Self-harm often becomes more severe over time and can develop into suicidal thoughts or actions. If your girlfriend starts talking about suicide—whether or not she seems serious or has made any type of attempt—take it very seriously. Urge her to get crisis help by texting or calling 988 to reach a suicide crisis helpline, or 911 to reach emergency services (in the U.S. or Canada).

Bruising and physical pain. If your girlfriend was recently sexually assaulted, she may have physical symptoms—for instance, bruising and pain in the pelvic region if she was vaginally raped. Even if the abuse occurred in the past, however, survivors of childhood abuse in particular often experience long-term pelvic and abdominal pain.

What should I say and do?

Encourage (but don’t push) her to share and seek support. If you suspect sexual abuse but your girlfriend hasn’t shared that information with you, don’t try to make her tell you. Likewise, don’t try to tell her that she needs to get professional help. Instead, focus on being as supportive as possible while leaving her in full control of how she chooses to respond. “I’ve noticed some things recently that have made me concerned about your wellbeing. If and when you’d ever like to talk about this, please know that I’m here to listen. And if you feel like this is a situation where you need additional help, whether that’s therapy or something else, I’ll do whatever I can to help you find the support you need.”

Listen to her and believe her if she wants to talk. This is one of the most difficult things she’s ever shared with someone, so be extremely empathetic and compassionate. Listen carefully and actively, don’t interrupt her, and speak only when it directly contributes to the conversation. And, even if you feel like it’s understood, say the specific phrase “I believe you” to her. “I’m so sorry that you had to experience something so awful, and I can only imagine how difficult that was for you to talk about. I want you to know that I believe you, I believe in you, and I will support you in any way you need me to.”

Be patient, be available, and be trustworthy. It’s natural to want to be a “fixer” in this kind of situation, but aim to be a “helper” instead. You can’t change what happened or make things all better, but you can be there for your girlfriend in whatever ways she needs you to be. Give her time when she needs time, space when she needs space, and help when she needs help. Step up to the task and be someone she can rely on.

Educate yourself on abuse and recovery. While you should listen whenever she wants to share how she’s feeling or what she’s experiencing, it’s not your girlfriend’s job to explain everything to you. Find reliable sources of information on sexual abuse and the recovery process and learn about what your girlfriend is going through. Follow expert advice on how to be a supportive person in her life. Check out, for example, the Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network at https://rainn.org/.

Work on your own wellbeing. While you should never lose sight of how traumatic and difficult this situation is for your girlfriend, it’s also important to accept that it’s hard on you as well. You hurt because someone you care about is hurting, and it’s also a challenge to be the kind of supportive person she needs. It’s necessary for you to dedicate time and energy to your own wellbeing if you’re going to be this type of supportive person. Talk to her about your feelings. Let her know if you’re feeling helpless, or clueless, or overwhelmed, or angry. Don’t feel guilty about setting aside time so you can do things you enjoy, alone or with friends. Make healthy diet, exercise, sleep, and lifestyle choices to support your mental and physical wellbeing. Consider talking to a therapist yourself to help process your feelings and challenges.

Can my girlfriend recover from sexual abuse?

Recovery is possible, and you can provide valuable support. But keep in mind that “recovery” does not mean “acting like the abuse never happened.” Instead, it means she’ll be able to focus on the here and now of her life with more confidence and hope. It’s her recovery, so she has to take charge of it, but you can definitely support her on her path.

Her recovery process will be unique, but may go through three stages. Recovery from sexual abuse can’t be rushed, but there’s also no typical timetable for the process. Your job is to be patient and understanding and supportive, not to try to push things along. It’s possible, but not guaranteed, that you’ll see your girlfriend go through the following three stages of recovery: Stabilization. During this phase, your girlfriend will work to recover feelings of safety and stability that were upended by the abuse. Mourning. During this phase, your girlfriend will work to more directly process the trauma that was inflicted upon her by her abuser. Reconnection. During this phase, your girlfriend will begin the process of redefining her life and relationships beyond her trauma.