Drop hints that he can do better than you.
He’ll feel like you’re denying his power to choose you. Try this method by telling your ex something like this: “I was never right for you anyway. Go find yourself someone who really excites and interests you.” Your ex will feel like you’re taking away his agency to make his own choice. So, even if he wasn’t all that interested in getting you back, he might feel compelled to do it just to show you he can. This is the same form of reverse psychology you might use with a kid and ice cream choices: “No, you don’t want the vanilla, it’s not very good. Get the chocolate.” Techniques like this fit what you might call the “textbook” form of reverse psychology: telling someone the opposite of what you want to happen in order to get what you want.
Point out the bad times in your relationship.
Remind him there was a lot he didn’t “get right” with you. Your ex doesn’t want to think that the relationship was a total failure, since that makes him a failure in some way. Give him subtle reminders that a lot of things went wrong during the relationship—but do it without blaming him directly. Instead of challenging him, let him challenge himself to prove that he can get things right with you. For example: “Remember that time we went for a beach getaway? What a disaster that turned out to be! Just a sign of things to come, I guess.”
Speak fondly of your shared past but tell him it’s over.
Turn the relationship into “forbidden fruit” he can’t have. Yes, this seems contradictory to the step on bad-mouthing the relationship, but it’s still based on challenging your ex’s power. Forget the bad stuff and remind him only of the great parts of the relationship, but then subtly forbid him from trying to recapture it: “Boy, that was a great trip. Remember how much we laughed? But when it’s over, it’s over—there’s no going back.” Definitely try this strategy out on a guy who hates being told what to do! This is a bit like talking up broccoli as the most fun food to eat ever, but then telling your kid “too bad you said you’d never eat broccoli.”
Ask him repeatedly not to pursue you.
Keep telling him what he can’t do so he’ll prove you wrong. Save this strategy for an ex who isn’t actually trying to pursue you. Give him a “no-go” request each time you chat with him: “Please don’t try to get back together with me. I have to move on.” Before long, he may feel like he just has to show you that he gets to call the shots on what he does. This one’s best used on an ex who lets his emotions take charge and who despises any feeling of being bossed around.
Tell him only he has the power to restart things.
Challenge his power by putting the power in his hands. Here’s an example of what you might tell him: “I wish things were different and we could give it another try. But I can’t force you to change your mind. Only you can decide what you want to do.” By saying this, you’re challenging him to show that he actually has the power you say he has. And people typically show they have power by doing something instead of doing nothing—in this case, the very “something” you actually want. You might remember a parent using this kind of strategy on you in hopes of getting you to clean your room: “If this was my room I’d want to clean up this mess. But it’s your room and only you can choose how to keep it. I can’t make you do it.”
Tell him the timing was never right for you guys.
Subtly challenge his ability to control things. Using this “it just wasn’t meant to be” tactic may make him feel like it could have been “meant to be” if he had more control over the situation. In turn, he’ll want to show his ability to take control and, if things turn out the way you hope, take you back to prove he can make the timing be right. Try saying something like this: “It’s too bad things never lined up right for us. You had your stuff going on, then I had my stuff—it’s like it just wasn’t supposed to happen.” This tactic starts to bridge the gap between the “saying the opposite of what you want” and the “playing hard to get” varieties of reverse psychology. While the first variety is more effective if your ex tends to let his emotions take charge, the second tends to be more broadly effective.
Play “hard to get” to stir up some jealousy.
This classic strategy is a more subtle reverse psychology. And it includes many of the techniques you’ve seen in the movies: take your time responding to his messages, and sometimes “forget” to respond at all. Keep mentioning how busy you are all the time. Act like you’re super happy now that the relationship is over (without directly saying that’s why). Wear an outfit that drives him wild and say something like, “This old thing? I just threw it on. I forgot how much you like it.” With this strategy, you’re not really trying to get him to do the opposite of what you’re saying, but rather to want what he can’t have. But you’re still purposely acting one way to get him to respond in another way. This technique often works even if your ex is a more calm and rational type that isn’t as susceptible to more straightforward reverse psychology.
Show him how well you’ve moved on to up his jealousy.
Double-down on “hard to get” if it seems to be working. Mention how you’re trying all these new things that you always wanted to do. Post pics that show how great your life is right now. Let it slip “accidentally” that you have a date with a really great guy coming up. Post some of those happy pics that include your new guy! You’re walking a fine line here, since it’s possible your ex will just accept that you’ve moved on and that he has no chance to get you back. A guy who lets his emotions take control is less likely to give up and more likely to accept the challenge of getting you back.
Ask him to do you a favor, then thank him profusely.
Try this instead of doing him favors to get him back. Asking someone for a favor sounds like an odd way to get them to like you, but it really can work! Text him and ask for a ride home because your car ran out of gas. Call and ask if he can fix your wonky modem like he used to. Ask very politely and give him a huge thanks afterward: “I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you doing this. You’re really an awesome guy.” Why does this work? Doing someone else a favor is a sacrifice, and people tend to justify it by telling themselves that they must like the other person. How might this work in your case? Once your ex does you a favor, he might tell himself he must like you. If so, he might try to justify that feeling by getting back together with you.
Ask yourself if a more direct approach is the way to go.
Are you using reverse psychology because you’re afraid to be honest? If you keep trying to use reverse psychology when it isn’t working, there’s a good chance that you’re making excuses not to put yourself out there and be honest with your ex about how you feel and what you want. It’s true that this might lead to a direct rejection and the end of your hope of getting back together, but at least you’ll get some closure. Here’s an example of how to start an honest conversation: “Tom, I’ve been thinking about this a lot, and I really wish we hadn’t broken up and that we could get back together. I know you might not feel that way right now, but can we talk a little about what I’ve been thinking and feeling?”
Use reverse psychology sparingly once you get your ex back.
Using it day-to-day impedes honest communication and growth. If reverse psychology helps you get back together with your ex, you’ll be really tempted to keep using it to get what you want in the relationship. You might want to use it for little things like choosing a movie, or big things like choosing where to live. Remind yourself that it’s okay to use in moderation but shouldn’t become the basis for your relationship. If you’re only relying on reverse psychology to keep things humming along, it’s as if your entire relationship is a falsehood. At some point, a healthy relationship requires open and honest communication, especially about differences of opinion.
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