How to Get a Narcissist to Tell the Truth

Collect evidence in advance.

Find proof of their behavior so you can disarm them later. Before you even start a discussion with a liar, make a list of their patterns and any inconsistencies you’ve tracked in their stories. Document what they’ve said or done as well as any events that other people have noticed. Be careful not to give them hints about how diligent you are so that they won’t have extra time to come up with lies, excuses, or half-truths. Keep logs or records of what you’ve witnessed on a password-protected computer. To be efficient, write down the facts and direct statements from them. Compare any of your accounts with others who deal closely with this person. Later, show them the least amount of evidence possible to make your point. For example, if you’ve collected several chat logs, share only one line. Narcissistic people tend to become more defensive when you present a large amount of evidence.

Approach them when you’re calm.

Someone with a fragile ego is more likely to engage if you don’t seem mad. Most people with narcissistic tendencies have fragile egos, so use a neutral tone of voice and respectful language when you confront them. Instead of trying to embarrass or argue with them, say you just want to talk and keep track of some details. When you sound like you simply want to discuss events rather than how they made a mistake, they’ll be less likely to shut you out. Start off with an “I” statement like: “I just want to talk about Friday night.” Talk about a simple observation like: “I had to finish the financial report on my own.” End with an answer you want like: “I was wondering if you were aware of the supervisor’s deadline?”

Reassure them that it’s safe to tell the truth.

They might admit what they did if they think you’ll still like them. Make the situation feel “low stakes” for them and say they won’t be negatively impacted when they tell you what really happened. Tell them that you also won’t think less of them if they’re anxious, insecure, or worried about their actions or performance. If a self-absorbed person doesn’t think that you or others will abandon or shame them, they're more likely to admit what they did. Make a casual, comforting comment like: “We’re good. I didn’t mention it to anyone.” Normalize mistakes with words like: “It’s totally okay to get tired or stressed.” Say they can still be socially included with a remark like: “Just keep me in the loop so we can stay a team, okay?” Avoid making this promise if you don’t intend to follow through. If they’ve lied about something significant, you may not want to remain close to them.

Ask for simple “yes” or “no” answers.

Keep it simple so they can’t distract you with unnecessary details. Tell them that you’re more interested in quick answers instead of long explanations. Every time they list out excuses instead of just telling you what you need to know, go back to your main point. If you need to, continue to repeat the same questions. They’ll realize that they won’t be able to win you over or deflect the situation with lots of irrelevant information. Present them with a clear question like: “Did you email your research to me on Thursday evening by 6 P.M.?” Bring up your proof without blaming them. For example, say, “Hey, see this chat log? This confirms the deadlines we agreed to, right?” If they switch the subject, make a comment like, “It’s really important that we clear this up. Do you see what we said in the chat log?”

Tell them not to blame anyone or anything else.

This tactic encourages them to focus only on their own actions. Use a polite tone of voice and tell them that you’re just interested in what they did. When they try to shift blame or claim that someone else is at fault, say that you want to talk to one person at a time. In order to get them to talk only about their own actions, refuse to let them talk about outside factors. If they talk about an irrelevant detail, like bad WiFi, mention a solution they could have considered: “Our office always has great internet access.” Continue to focus on their personal responsibility with a comment like, “You can always put your data on a $5 flash drive.” If they blame another person, refuse to take their bait. Say something like, “Jamie wasn’t on our team. She couldn’t tell you what our deadline was.”

Say they’ll lose people’s respect if they keep lying.

An egotistical person will tell the truth if they can keep everyone’s social approval. First, remind them that dishonesty has a lot of consequences and alienates other people. Suggest that their lies will pile up and that the deception will be easy for everyone to notice. Encourage them to stop misleading you right now so they’ll hold onto their social status. They’ll be more likely to stop their toxic behavior and pattern of lies if they think that will protect them. Ask them what people would think. Pose a question like, “Do you think Jamie will appreciate that you said she gave you the wrong information?” Claim that you’re just looking out for them with a comment like, “I just want you to be on good terms with her in case you collaborate with her.” Make them think that saving their reputation is their idea. Say something like, “I know you’re well respected in this company and want to keep it that way.”

Confront their lies to break down their defenses.

If they still aren’t transparent, then be direct. If you’ve tried to be kind and diplomatic but this person still won’t tell the truth, admit that you think they’re lying. Just make one simple critique. As soon as you say you doubt their account, they’re more likely to melt down and become illogical. That way, it’ll be a lot easier to point out all their inconsistencies. One small, negative remark can make a narcissistic person crack and expose all their manipulation. For example, if you just say, “That's not true. You promised to share all your findings by the deadline,” they may immediately get offended. Then, they may act up and forget to keep track of all their lies. They might give you two different accounts. If they do, point that out.

Avoid expressing sympathy when they’re emotional.

When they notice manipulation isn’t effective, they’ll give it up. Once you call them out for their lies, they may claim you’re attacking them. If they don’t use a hostile tone, then they may try to make you feel sorry for them. Resist any of their dramatic tactics. Instead, ignore any ways they talk about their feelings. When you’re not moved, they may feel defeated and know they can’t pretend to be a victim around you. If they start to blame you, deal with their behavior by refusing to give them attention. Just make a remark like, “This doesn’t feel productive right now. We can talk about this later.” If they cry or complain, let them handle their emotions on their own. This will teach them that their feelings aren’t your responsibility. Only use positive reinforcement when they stop overreacting and start telling the truth. Make a comment like, “It’s mature of you to admit that.”

Point out boundaries or agreements they broke.

These are straightforward facts that they can’t sugarcoat or deny. Talk about how you can’t trust them due to their patterns. Point out any ways they’ve chronically dropped their responsibilities or let you down. Share objective facts about what happened in the past, such as all their lateness or their broken promises. When they try to persuade you that they really care about you, highlight how they’ve disrespected you. If they tell you not to worry, give them reasons why you already doubt them. If they say they want to support you, tell them how they’ve made your life difficult. When they claim they can change, let them know you’ve already given them chances. Each time you bring up a fact, you’ll chip away at their claims that they’re trustworthy.

Stick to your version of events.

Remain consistent with your story so they understand that they can’t influence you. Resist any way they might try to “gaslight” you by talking you out of what you’ve seen or experienced. Every time they give you inaccurate details about what happened, repeat what you know is true. When you aren’t persuaded to see circumstances the way they do, they’re likely to get tired and give up. They’ll see you’re too mentally strong to be lied to. Stand up for what you saw. For example, say, “I know we discussed this before.” Say that your memory is clear. Make a comment like, “I can’t misremember chat logs.” Be direct about their behavior’s impact on you with words like, “This added to my stress level.” When you never budge on your account, they can’t replace your truth with their twisted or invented facts.

Refuse to accept their apologies.

Say you don’t want them to be sorry and that you just want honesty. By the end of your discussion, a manipulative person might make one final effort to make you take their side. They may give you a lot of apologies so you drop the matter and warm up to them. Say you’re not interested in that behavior. Make it clear that you only respect the truth. Because narcissistic people tend to thrive on validation, they’ll learn that the only way to interact with you is with facts. When you accept an apology, they may think they’re “off the hook,” but if you ignore how “sorry” they are, they know they’re held to a higher standard. Ultimately, some people are more likely to admit fault if you hold them accountable.