- A glass child is the struggling sibling of someone with a major disability or illness. The parent(s) focus on the needs of the disabled or sick child, leaving the glass child feeling invisible.
- Glass children are often hyper-independent, feel pressure to be perfect, and struggle with setting boundaries and people-pleasing.
- As a parent, spend quality 1-on-1 time with your glass child to let them know that they’re loved, valued, and cared for.
What is a glass child?
A glass child is the struggling sibling of someone with a chronic illness or disability. Often, the glass child’s emotional needs aren’t consistently met since their parents are busy caring for the sibling. Their sibling’s condition can include cognitive or physical disabilities, mental illness, addiction, behavioral disorders, or any condition that consumes the parents’ time and energy. “Glass” describes how the parents might "see through" their glass child (also called a well child or well sibling) and only have eyes for their disabled child’s needs. “Glass child” and “glass child syndrome” are not officially recognized psychological terms or conditions. The term “glass child” first appeared in a 2010 TED Talk by entrepreneur Alicia Maples. Not all glass children are non-disabled and healthy. Their needs are simply less obvious than their sibling's needs.
Characteristics of a Glass Child
Glass children feel self-imposed pressure to be perfect or problem-free. Glass children recognize the stress that their parents and other family members are under due to their sibling’s high support needs. To avoid worrying their parents further, glass children often stay silent about their own problems and needs in an effort to appear like they’re doing fine and don’t need parental help. Glass children may be anxious about performing poorly in school, misbehaving, or otherwise letting their parents down.
Glass children take on mature responsibilities at a young age. They might feel obligated to do more around the house or have higher expectations of themselves because they’re more capable. They might even start assuming caregiver responsibilities for their sibling. As a result, the glass child may miss out on some normal childhood activities and experiences. For example, a glass child may not participate in afterschool activities if they feel the need to be home to care for their sibling or don’t want to add logistical pressure on their parents.
They struggle with boundaries and feel the need to make others happy. Glass children are often people pleasers. They grow up believing that advocating for their needs will “rock the boat” or negatively impact others, so they’ll often give in to their peers’ demands to keep the peace. Generally, they tend to put the well-being of others (particularly those they care about) ahead of their own.
Glass children are hyper-independent from a young age. Since much of their parents’ time and energy goes to their sibling, glass children learn to fend for themselves early on. This might include handling ordinary tasks like feeding themselves or finishing their homework unsupervised, or more complex emotional processes like navigating social dilemmas at school without parental support or guidance.
They may feel guilty about their accomplishments. Glass children are aware that they can do and achieve things their sick or disabled sibling can’t. This makes it difficult for them to celebrate their accomplishments. These might include major milestones like graduating college or getting married, or simpler things that allow them to live an independent life like landing a well-paying job. On the other hand, some glass children feel guilty for not achieving more. They expect to be caring for their sibling in adulthood and worry about whether they can provide for them.
Effects of Glass Child Syndrome
Some studies suggest glass children are prone to anxiety or depression. The circumstances of a glass child often lead to feelings of isolation, loneliness, or hopelessness. When action isn’t taken early on to make the child feel validated and they internalize these feelings, the child may be more likely to suffer from clinical anxiety, depression, or even post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) as teens and adults. More research is needed to clearly define the long-term impacts of being a glass child.
Parenting a Glass Child
Acknowledge that your child may not be as strong as they appear. Try not to let your well child’s competence convince you there is nothing wrong—their maturity and independence are often coping mechanisms. It can be hard to realize that your child needs more support from you when you thought they were alright, especially if you’re already overwhelmed taking care of your disabled child. Remember that accepting the problem is the first step toward solving it. Don't assume that your child is non-disabled and fully healthy. Sometimes, glass children have their disabilities or conditions go undiagnosed because people focus on the higher-support child. For example, the "quirky, withdrawn" sister of a high-support autistic brother could be autistic too and headed for burnout unless she gets more help.
Set aside quality time to spend with your child. Do your best to make your child feel seen, heard, and loved. Spend 1-on-1 time with them for at least 30 minutes a day so they feel valued, and plan one longer activity or event, like going to a sports game or playing outside, per week. If you have a co-parent, take turns caring for your high-needs child so both of you can bond with your other children. During your time together, assure your child that they’re loved and that any mistakes or bad days of theirs don't change that. Be a good listener. Ask questions, validate their feelings, and prioritize helping over judging. If your kid's first instinct is to talk to you when they get in trouble, you're doing something right. If you miss out on one-on-one time, then make up for it by spending extra time together the next day or on the weekend. Tell your child that you're sorry about it and that you look forward to spending more time with them.
Tell your kid the lessons you want them to learn. You may notice your child overachieving, staying quiet about their needs, or putting themselves under too much pressure. Say something about it. Then make sure your actions line up with your words. Here are some examples of things you can say: "I know I'm busy, but I'm not too busy for you. You're important to me. If things are bothering you, please come to me so I can help." "You don't need to teach your brother. He has therapists and us for that. It's okay to spend most of your time with him just playing or hanging out. It's good for both of you." "I'm thankful for you babysitting, but I don't want you to spend all your time helping out. You need a balance. I like seeing you go out with friends sometimes and spending time on your art."
Give your child lots of proof of how important they are to you. None of your children should have to doubt whether they matter to you. Try to remind them that you love them, using words or actions, at least once per day. Even quick things, like little notes or a short bedtime ritual, can help a kid feel loved and secure in their relationship with you. Don't underestimate how much this matters. It's better to have a kid who acts embarrassed by how affectionate than you are than to have a kid who's lonely and starved for attention.
Talk about the sibling's future together. Your lower-needs child may be worrying about what will happen when you are no longer able to care for your sick or disabled child. It helps to make the future less abstract so they can visualize what's next. Let them know there are options. For example, if your child says they will live in the same house as the sibling, tell them that's a nice idea and that it's also okay to be neighbors too. Talk through fears. For example, maybe your child worries about their sibling being abused in a care home. You can offer to research signs of good and bad care homes together so the sibling feels capable of handling the situation someday.
Encourage a positive sibling relationship. Sibling time should be about fun and friendship, not caregiving or obligation. It should be chosen freely, not as a duty pushed by a parent. Tell your glass child that they don't need to be a caregiver, but when they feel like it, they can be a friend. It's healthy for both siblings to have parts of their lives that don't involve each other much or at all. Encourage respect by modeling it. Make sure the siblings see you treating both of them well and saying positive things about each one. Step in and help if a disagreement between them gets too heated.Keep in mind: Too much caregiving can cause resentment and avoidance. It's bad for both siblings. Even if your glass child volunteers to help, limit the amount of time they spend caregiving.
Accept help from others when parenting gets overwhelming. If you don't have enough time for everything that matters, ask for help. While it can be daunting, part of good parenting is having the courage to ask for help when you need it. Lean on your support network to help make sure all your kids are getting the attention they need. Ask if friends or family can help out with chores or meal planning sometimes. See what you can outsource or automate. For example, maybe have a robotic vacuum take over most of your vacuuming. When you're busy helping your sick or disabled child, see if other adults can include your other child in fun activities or trips. Talk to teachers about tutoring or one-on-one assistance if you don't have time to help with homework. Consider trying family therapy or seeing a counselor yourself to learn about more ways to be the best parent you can be to all of your children.
Advocating for Yourself as a Glass Child
Ask for what you need. You may have made a habit of letting your needs go unspoken. That's not healthy, and it doesn't give your parent(s) the opportunity to help you. Think about how you feel and what you want more of in your life. Then, talk to one or both parents and politely ask for it. Here are some good examples: "I'm lonely and it feels like we hardly talk anymore. Could we please start taking evening walks again like we used to?" "I've got a problem with my friend. I want to talk to you, but there's so much going on. Could we choose a time where we can talk so I can get your advice?" "Remember how we used to snuggle on the couch before pajama time and talk about our days? I miss that. Could we do it again?"Tip: Say "I feel," not "you do/don't." If focus on their actions, they may get defensive or debate the facts. But if you focus on how you feel, it invites them to consider what you're going through. For example, "you ignore me" is accusatory, but "I feel lonely" is clear and assertive.
Set boundaries with your parents about your role in the family. An honest discussion with your parents will lead to healthier communication about what you can and cannot handle. Clearly state your boundaries—which behaviors you can tolerate or which tasks you’re willing to take on—then let them how you'll respond if they push it. Here are some examples: "I know you're scared about my sister being immunocompromised. I am too. But I'm just a kid, and I feel overwhelmed hearing about your fears. It gives me nightmares. I need you to save the scary talk for Grandma or another adult. And if you start venting adult problems to me, I'll ask for a subject change or leave the conversation." "This babysitting arrangement is not working for me. I need time to make social plans and be a kid. I'm willing to babysit up to 3 nights per week, and not on Wednesdays due to soccer. We can pick the dates the week before. But unless there's a medical emergency, I'll be saying no to last-minute requests from now on. Please feel free to use other babysitters to help."Tip: Enforcing your boundaries means deciding what to do if someone accidentally or knowingly violates them. If your parent forgets about your new boundary and oversteps, you can politely remind them. If they still keep pushing, you might decide to do something like leaving the room or hanging up the phone.
Don't blame yourself for your parents' mistakes or a bad situation. All parents make mistakes, some more than others. That doesn't reflect on your worth. It's normal and human to want attention, time, and love. You don't need to feel guilty for that. Your sibling's needs important. So are yours. Neither of these things erases the other. You are allowed to make mistakes. It's part of life, especially when you're growing up. You deserve love and support even when you aren't perfect.
Don't blame your sibling for parental mistakes or life problems either. Your sibling didn't chose to be sick or disabled. They also don't choose how your parent(s) react to it. You can be upset with your parents or a situation while still being fair to your sibling. You don't have to be best friends, but you should be fair. Nobody deserves to feel bad for existing. Never take your anger out on your sibling for things they didn't choose. Separate what they can control from what they can't control. For example, if your sibling had a seizure at your birthday party, that's not their fault. You can be sad, but it's unfair to blame them. But if your sibling calls you names, they do control that. It's fair to be upset and ask them to stop. Sibling disagreements are normal. Focus on one problem at a time.
Take good care of yourself. You are someone worth taking care of. Act like you believe it. Eat healthy foods, exercise often, and make time for fun and relaxing activities. Aim for a balanced lifestyle that helps you feel your best. It's normal to have bad days. Give yourself some patience and spend extra time on things that help you bounce back.
Make sure you're getting enough down time. While it's good to help your family and study hard, these shouldn't take up your whole life. You need time to relax, recharge, and do things that make life feel better.
Lean on friends, extended family, and support groups. Focus on building strong, supportive friendships at school, at work, or in your personal life. Meaningful social relationships let you authentically express your thoughts and feelings, which lowers your stress and reduces your risk of developing depression or anxiety. Reach out to extended family as well, if you have close relationships with them. They may be familiar with your immediate family’s situation and can validate your negative experiences. If your sibling is old enough, they may be able to support you too. It's okay to tell them you're lonely or that you need cheering up. Explore support groups and resources for glass children, like those provided by the Sibling Leadership Network. Knowing you’re not alone in your struggle reduces feelings of isolation and builds community with folks with similar experiences.
Consider seeing a therapist or counselor to work through your feelings. Often, glass children don’t become aware of the effects of their childhood until they’re adults (or sometimes teenagers). Talk with a licensed therapist about your experiences and feelings—they can offer insight into how your childhood family dynamics affected you, plus guidance on how to advocate for yourself and communicate with your family going forward.
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