Are You the Problem in Your Relationships?

• Common toxic traits include disrespecting other people’s boundaries or manipulating others for personal gain.
• If you suspect you’ve got some toxic traits, take accountability for them: apologize to any loved ones you may have hurt and ask how you can move forward.
• Try to work on your behavior in the future, but remember that everyone is “toxic” now and again: it’s unlikely you’ll change your habits overnight, so practice self-compassion.

Signs You May Be the Problem

You don’t take accountability for your actions. Nobody likes to admit it when they’ve messed up—but refusing to do so (or even shifting the blame onto someone else) is a sign you’ve got some maturing to do. Accepting responsibility for mistakes is a hard process, and it requires practice, but it’s an essential component of real, deep emotional connection with friends, family, and significant others. Be honest with yourself: when confronted with something you did to hurt a friend or other loved one, is your impulse to deny it and claim someone else was responsible, or even try to convince the person confronting you that they’re overreacting?

You don’t apologize. When there’s no avoiding taking responsibility for a mistake, do you stick to your guns and refuse to apologize? Do you become defensive or arrogant when critiqued and insist you had a reason to do what you did, or act as if you’re the victim in the situation instead of the perpetrator? We all make mistakes that hurt others now and again, but setting aside our pride and asking for forgiveness from those we’ve wounded is how we move forward. It sometimes even brings us closer together than before. Sincerely apologizing doesn’t just involve saying “sorry” and hoping the issue goes away—it involves real reparative work: asking the person you’ve harmed how you can make things right again and working to regain their trust over time.

You avoid tough discussions. While you don’t need to have a deep connection with everyone in your social circle, part of being emotionally intimate with friends, family, and significant others is being willing to dive into hard conversations. If you’re reluctant to do this—especially when the conversations center on problems that need addressing—you might be creating distance between yourself and your loved ones. It’s understandable to want to avoid difficult conversations, especially if they have to do with you, but it’s essential in order to maintain healthy emotional ties with the people who matter to us. Remember that while it's hard to be confronted with tough convos, it's often just as hard for your loved ones to initiate them. Respect their efforts to be transparent and open with you, and be willing to sit and hear what they have to say. Maybe the conversation isn’t even about you: if a friend is going through something and you’re not comfortable talking to them about it, your friend will likely feel dismissed or uncared for—and may keep some emotional distance from you in future.

You manipulate other people. If you’ve ever been passive-aggressive, fibbed, omitted information, or exaggerated the truth for personal gain or control over someone else, you’ve been manipulative—and, truthfully, many people have at some point or other, to varying extents. If you do this a lot or you do it intentionally, it’s worth considering how you can go about interacting with your loved ones with more forthrightness and honesty. Your impulse might be to say, “I don’t manipulate anyone!” and you may be right, but remember that being manipulative isn’t always a conscious act. In fact, sometimes what seems like kindness may be manipulation, if the purpose of the kindness is to portray yourself in a better light, get someone to do what you want, or avoid confrontation. As a wise saying goes, “Kindness without honesty is manipulation; honesty without kindness is cruelty.” On the more severe end of things, if you’ve ever tried to make anyone question their lived experiences or sense of reality, you may be guilty of gaslighting. Over time, gaslighting can cause a person to distrust themselves and over-rely on the person gaslighting them.

You focus on problems rather than solutions. Conflict is natural, even among the closest of friends and families, and pain is real and valid. But once that pain is aired, it’s important that all parties focus on finding a way forward together. If you consistently get hung up on past hurts to the point you’re unable to see a way forward, it may pose a problem for your relationship. This isn’t inherently a “toxic trait”: if a loved one has hurt you and you’re unable to move forward from it, or if the loved one who hurt you isn’t accepting responsibility for their actions, it may be a sign the relationship has to end, or that you need to establish some stricter boundaries.

You take things personally. The truth is some things are personal—but if you take everything as a personal attack, your loved ones may not feel safe to confront you about serious problems, or they may feel as if there’s not enough space for their pain in your relationship. The tendency to over-analyze everything may be rooted in low self-esteem or a fear of rejection, but it’s important to overcome it in order to cultivate and maintain healthy connections with your loved ones. For instance, if a friend bails on plans to hang out, you might take it as an indication of your personal worth or a sign they don’t care about you, but taking it less personally means recognizing that their backing out of plans may have nothing at all to do with you—they may be busy, or they may be going through a hard time themselves.

You can be overly judgmental. Is it easy for you to find fault with other people? Are you constantly assuming the worst about them? Are you perhaps a little too quick to criticize others, including those in your inner circle? If so, you may be unknowingly creating some distance between you and your loved ones: they'll be less likely to confide in you or come to you for emotional reassurance if they fear you'll judge them unfairly or too quickly. We're all guilty of being quick to judge at some point or another, so don't beat yourself up too harshly if you fall into hypercritical thought patters: remember, being less judgmental also extends to being less self-critical. Is it possible that well-intentioned attempts to critique your loved ones come off as brutally honest? If so, your issue may not lie in being too judgmental, but in being inconsiderate with your words.

You threaten to cut people off frequently. Cutting loved ones off is, unfortunately, a necessary form of boundary-setting sometimes, but only under extreme conditions. Cutting someone off is a last resort, and it usually follows repeated attempts by the other person to cross your boundaries. If you resort to cutting loved ones off or threatening to cut them off often, you might be cultivating a relationship based on tension and fear rather than love and mutual trust. If you're not used to setting and enforcing boundaries with toxic loved ones, it can be hard to find the nuanced gray space between standing up for yourself and cutting the other person out of your life prematurely. If you're tolerating a relationship with a toxic or abusive friend, significant other, or family member, and you've considered (or threatened) cutting them off, it may be best to do so: remember, boundary-setting is a form of self-protection, not a punishment or a threat.

You don’t respect people’s boundaries. If a loved one sets a boundary with you and you feel entitled to cross it, you may be causing harm to your relationships. Remember that personal boundaries exist not to create distance between people, but to maintain a balanced relationship in which all parties can cultivate their personal identities, good mental health, and physical well-being. It’s important that your needs are met in your relationships and that your boundaries are respected—but it’s equally important that you attend to your loved ones’ needs and respect their boundaries as well. Over time, having their boundaries crossed may cause your loved ones to feel unsafe or to lose trust in you, and they may seek distance from you.

You aren't dependable. Everyone goes through periods where they struggle to follow through or they flake out on social engagements, and backing out of the odd commitment isn’t in itself a toxic trait. But if inconsistency is your MO, if your loved ones don’t feel they can rely on you to show up for them, emotionally or physically, then over time, they may stop asking you to. Honoring commitments might involve promising to be at a specific place at a specific time—but it also means being there for your loved ones when they need a shoulder to cry on, a pal to celebrate their wins, or someone to help them out in an emergency.

How to Overcome Toxic Traits

Acknowledge your behavior. Everyone’s toxic sometimes—but if you regularly find yourself on the outs with your loved ones, it may be more than just an occasional problem. If you recognize yourself in any of the above traits, or if any of your loved ones have communicated to you that they see these traits in you, it may be time to sit down with them and discuss how your behavior is affecting your relationship and what you can do to stop it. Sincerely apologize for your actions, and ask what you can do to make up for them. Taking accountability is hard, but remember that we all make mistakes—even the people you may have wounded with your actions make mistakes. What’s important is moving past them and making amends. Consider saying something like: “I’m so sorry for behaving the way I did. I didn’t really realize how I was acting, and I appreciate you talking it through with me. I really want to make it up to you.”

Attend to your own mental health. Many toxic traits are exacerbated by stress, anxiety, anger, and other symptoms of poor mental health. Be sure to take time for your mental well-being each day to make you less susceptible to behaving in toxic ways. Calm your mind by doing deep breathing exercises, yoga, or meditation. Get plenty of exercise each day: go on a jog or long walk in the park, or take up dancing or kickboxing lessons. Seek counseling from a licensed therapist who can help you work through underlying issues that may be affecting your ability to connect with your loved ones in healthy ways. Reader Poll: We asked 156 wikiHow readers how to avoid making the same mistake, and 8% said they would ask loved ones to hold them accountable. [Take Poll] While this may not be the best strategy according to our readers, try reaching out to a professional counselor for guidance.

Practice mindfulness. Nobody sets out to be toxic, but we sometimes fall into toxic behavior when we don't take the time to address our own negative thought patterns or when we speak before considering the consequences of our actions. Toxic behavior is often spurred by fear or self-doubt, but these traits can be unlearned by taking more time for self-reflection and mindfulness. Being mindful means slowing down and being aware of your surroundings, without judgment or fear. This includes trying to understand and have compassion for your loved ones, as well as for yourself. Remember that in the future, if a loved one communicates that you’ve hurt them, try not to respond immediately if you feel overwhelmed or pressured: sometimes our toxic traits come out when we feel cornered. Instead, take some deep breaths before responding, or ask if you can take time to reflect before continuing the conversation.

Work to respect your loved ones in the future. Nobody becomes perfect overnight—or ever, in fact! If you believe you’ve got some toxic traits to work on, like respecting boundaries or accepting blame for your mistakes, apologize for your actions, and work to do better in the future. Realize your toxic traits may still crop up now and again, but try to be compassionate with yourself: the more you practice, the easier it’ll get over time. You might even check in with specific loved ones for accountability: let them know you’re working on overcoming certain habits, and ask them if they’d be comfortable gently calling you out if the behavior persists.