What's an Entanglement? Definition, Signs, and How to Fix It

• An entanglement is a messy relationship that's difficult to change or get out of.
• It can refer to a prolonged or accidental affair, or to a codependent relationship that just won't end.
• Entanglements are defined by dishonesty, insecurity, and a lack of relationship growth.

What is an entanglement in a relationship?

An entanglement is a complicated and often unhealthy romance. The relationship is messy and toxic because of infidelity, codependence, or one-sided commitment. You get tangled up in this kind of relationship and it’s complicated to solve the problems or get out. As a result, entanglements are full of loud disagreements and relationship drama. Ultimately, entanglements can go on for months or years without changing or going anywhere. A messy, prolonged, or accidental affair is the most common type of entanglement. The affair is an entanglement because you may not have intended to betray your partner and might repeatedly want to stop, but you end up continuing the affair because you’re emotionally involved and breaking things off is too hard. Jada Pinkett Smith used the word ‘entanglement’ in 2020 to describe a complicated extramarital relationship she had. A toxic codependent relationship is another common type of entanglement, because the relationship stops being positive but you often can’t bring yourself to leave. This could happen because of unreciprocated commitment, codependency, unclear boundaries, or repeatedly unresolved disagreements. The outcome is a dysfunctional relationship with neediness, negativity, and insecurity. It’s hard to fix the problems because the relationship is unclear and you become anxiously reliant on your partner.

Signs of an Entanglement

The Break-up Make-up Cycle You might feel bad about the relationship, fight all night, and break up, but in a week you get drawn back into the relationship. This means you can’t see a way for you to be happy together, but you can’t see a way for you to be apart. If it happens again and again, you’re probably stuck in an entanglement. In a straightforward relationship, you weather occasional disagreements because you love each other and are committed to the relationship. If a relationship becomes unhealthy and negative for someone, they leave and stay away because they know that the relationship didn't work.

Dishonesty If you and your partner are frequently lying to each other, whether it’s covering up infidelity or masking your true feelings and needs, you’re likely involved in an entanglement. You can’t be honest with each other out of fear that it will jeopardize the relationship, tangling you into a messy dynamic. If you never say what’s actually on your mind when your partner says “What are you thinking about?” or “Is everything okay with us?” that’s a sign that you could be in an entanglement. If your relationship is healthy, both people can be honest with each other, even about their insecurities or vulnerabilities. You can share parts of yourself that you're not proud about without worrying that the other person will leave you.

Insecurity in the Relationship If you constantly worry that your partner will leave you or that your relationship will dissolve if you do something wrong, you could be in an entanglement. Insecurity is a sign that you haven’t established your relationship well enough and that you’re not getting the reassurance you need from your partner. The fact that you feel so anxious and insecure about the relationship but still don’t want to leave means that you’re really wrapped up in an entanglement. In a healthy relationship, you know where you stand with your partner and you trust that they're committed to you. You're both free to make little mistakes as long as you're honest and committed to each other.

Lack of Relationship Growth An entanglement is destined to stay at the stunted and messy place it’s in unless the problems get fixed. Basing your relationship in fear and control won’t grow your relationship– you need commitment, security, and honesty. You might always find yourself trying and failing to ‘fix’ the relationship by attempting to make your partner happy or setting boundaries that you ultimately break. Pleasing someone or making guidelines doesn’t help a relationship unless it’s founded on honesty and commitment, which aren’t present in an entanglement. When your relationship is healthy, you learn to resolve problems over time, and your relationship grows stronger as you learn how to better love and help each other. You find satisfying resolutions to fights and don't have to keep revisiting them.

Differences in Commitment You might disagree with your partner about how exclusive your relationship is and worry that talking about it will make the problem worse or end the relationship. That means the relationship isn’t healthy: a foundation of a relationship is agreeing about what it means for you to be together and committing to it. In a healthy relationship, you agree together to a defined level of commitment and both stick to it. If there's a mismatch in what you want, you talk about it and reach an agreement that you're both happy with.

Emotional Shut-downs Entanglements survive because the emotions involved are complicated to deal with, so you might cope by refusing to engage with your emotions. That way, you avoid the cognitive dissonance of staying in the entanglement even though you’ll feel worse in the long run. For example, when you feel sad that your partner makes you feel insecure but love how happy they make you, you’ll refuse to engage with your negative emotions. When you hate that you’re cheating but love the person you’re cheating with, you’ll disconnect from your second thoughts to keep the affair going. If you frequently find yourself thinking “Just don’t think about that part of the relationship” or ignoring uncomfortable feelings when you’re with your partner, you could be shutting down emotionally. If your relationship is healthy, you may sometimes have negative thoughts or feelings but you can talk through them with your partner. You connect with each other and with yourself emotionally by talking about your feelings and how to manage them.

Fear of Abandonment If you worry regularly that your partner will leave you, or if your primary reason for staying in a relationship is that you’re scared of being alone, your relationship may have turned into an entanglement. This kind of insecurity could mean that you’re clinging to the relationship not because it’s good for you but because you’re scared of the alternative. It could also mean that you really love your relationship but your partner doesn’t reciprocate enough, making you worried about their commitment. In a healthy relationship, you stay in the relationship because you value it and love your partner. You know that you could find another person if your current partner left you, but you want to stay with them because they're special to you.

Lack of Clear Boundaries You might feel like you don’t know what your partner’s expectations are for you in the relationship, or maybe they ignore your boundaries when you’re not around (like flirting with other people, being open to other relationships, or ignoring you for long periods of time). Either way, your relationship isn’t well defined and that leads to messy emotions if that goes on for too long. If you feel scared to ask your partner “Are we exclusive?”, they ignore your requests to be closer to you, or they repeatedly avoid those questions, your boundaries might be unclear in the relationship. You might also have problems with boundaries if you find yourself getting way more invested in someone than they are with you, starting pointless fights, or feel like your partner takes advantage of your tender emotions. In a healthy relationship, you set boundaries that help you be committed, comfortable, and independent. Then, you respect each other's boundaries, doing it because you know it'll make the other person feel more secure in the relationship and help the relationship grow.

How to Fix an Entanglement Relationship

Be honest. Whether your relationship with this person is complicated because it’s an affair or because your commitment to each other is unclear, the one way out of it is to share your true feelings, wants, and needs. If you’re frank with each other, you’ll be able to either resolve your problems or finally realize it’s time to move on. Use “I” statements to express your feelings, like “I really love you and want to feel closer to you,” or “I feel anxious when you say you’re not sure how long this relationship will last.” If your entanglement is an affair, be honest with both your lovers about what you’re doing. It’s difficult to have the conversation, but it’s necessary if you want either of your relationships to grow into a more loving, committed relationship.

Set boundaries. Healthy boundaries are the kryptonite of any entanglement: by being clear about expectations, you can finally free yourself from all the messy feelings. Talk about whether you want relationship exclusivity (and what that looks like for you), guidelines on what conversation topics stress you out, the ways you want to feel loved, and how you can feel connected but self-sufficient. Setting boundaries means you both take responsibility for your own emotions and actions and let the other person do the same. You can say “I love you, but I’m going to do things my way because it’s my life” if your partner tries to control you because of their neediness. If you feel insecure about your partner’s independence, set reasonable expectations for how often you see each other and how they can express love for you while still being able to pursue their own life and interests.

Be willing to leave. Ultimately, an entanglement lasts because you feel like you’re stuck and can’t get out. The only solution is to realize that you can and should leave if the relationship isn’t giving you what you want. By deciding that you will leave if you’re unhappy, you free up your options and you might not feel quite so trapped. Set promises to yourself of conditions that will make you leave the relationship, like if your partner lies to you again about something important, if they can’t commit to an exclusive relationship, or if they don’t validate your feelings when you tell them you want to feel more loved.

Develop your own sense of self. Spend time doing hobbies you love like painting, crocheting, or kayaking to learn that you’re happy even when you’re on your own. Whether you’ve gotten tangled up in an affair or a codependent relationship, you might find that you’ve focused so much on your romance that you start to lose yourself. This can lead to feeling like even a toxic relationship is a part of you that you can’t let go. By having alone time or time with friends you can develop a sense of self-sufficiency and self-esteem so that you don’t rely on your romantic relationships for your fulfilment. Other ideas include taking a weekend trip with friends and no romantic partners, taking interesting classes at a community center, volunteering at a soup kitchen, or going to a concert for a band you love. They’ll all help you find joy in yourself to realize that you’re a capable person and your tangled-up relationship isn’t everything.