How to Tell Your Wife You Don't Want Any More Children

Discussing the Issue

Pick a non-stressful time to talk. When bringing up this heavy topic, pick a time when you both have the least going on. If you know your spouse has a tough week at work ahead, delay the conversation until afterwards. Choose a time when you won't be interrupted or bombarded with distractions, like after the kids have gone to bed. Avoid picking important dates like birthdays or anniversaries, as well. Be mindful of the location, too. Tell her at home and in private.

Ease into the conversation. Don’t just jump into the discussion; ease your way into it. Start off by talking about your family, how you’re feeling about work and home in general, and your love for your wife. Begin speaking about the kids, as well, mentioning different accomplishments they’ve made lately or even the trouble they’ve gotten into. Talk about your own feelings of being a parent. This will provide a natural segway into talking about not having more kids. You might say something like “Josiah is a really good kid and I love him more than life. I didn’t realize parenting was gonna be this hard though, did you?”

Tell her you don’t want to have more kids. Once you have opened up the conversation, break the news to your wife. Be open, honest, and direct with her about your decision. Let her know if this is final for you or if you are open to having future discussions about it. Know that if your wife truly wants more children, having more than one discussion will probably be necessary. Say “I was looking at you, Isaiah, and Chloe today and I just felt like our family is complete. I don’t think that I want to have any more children and I wanted to see how you feel about that. But, this is a really big topic so I don’t want you to feel like we have to only discuss it today.”

Explain why you don’t want more children. Explain to your wife your reasons for not wanting more children. It could be because of finances, marital discord, or general contentment with how things are. Say, “With how things are financially, I just don’t think we can afford another kid. I didn’t realize children were going to be so expensive, and I would never not want Amy in our lives, but I just don’t want any more children.”

Talk about your wife’s desires. Once you tell her how you feel, allow her time to tell you her own thoughts. She might react negatively to this news; if so, remain calm, without yelling or walking away from her. Find out why she wants or doesn’t want to have more children. If you disagree, discuss the reasons you don't want children and the reasons she wants more. What are the barriers? How could you compromise?

Focus on understanding your wife. To truly hear and understand, don’t interrupt your wife when she is talking. Avoid looking at the television or your phone, as well. Try summarizing and repeating back to her what she says so that she knows you are listening. For instance, you might say, “It sounds like you’re confused because when we got married, I told you I wanted 3 kids. And now you feel like I’ve gone back on my promise.”

Answer her questions. If your wife is set on having another child, she will likely feel confused, hurt, or angry. Should she have questions for you, answer them to the best of your ability. She deserves your honesty.

Reaffirm your love and commitment. At the end of the talk, be sure to tell her that you love her and are still committed to the family. Your revelation may have her feeling confused or insecure, so work to reverse that. You might say “Even though I don’t want to have more kids, I'm blessed to have these beautiful children with you. And I’m glad you’re my wife. I love you.”

Finding Mutual Happiness

Acknowledge her needs. From your conversation, you may have learned some things about your wife. Perhaps she told you that her desire to have another child comes from loneliness. Or she may miss when the kids were younger and needed her more. Find ways to help her work through these issues and revisit the conversation about having more kids later. For instance, if she feels lonely, make an effort to come home earlier from work. Spend quality time together each day. Play with your kids together as a couple and mark out family time.

Determine a time to reopen the conversation, if you'd like. Though you might feel sure of your decision right now, you may change your mind later. Set a time in the future for you and your wife to discuss having more children if you foresee that you might change your mind. If you don’t want another child because your children are very young, you could agree to talk about this when your children are in school and more independent.

Find ways to compromise. There are very few ways to compromise on the issue of having another child. Figure out ways you both can meet your needs. For example, if your wife enjoys taking care of children, see if there is another way she can do that, perhaps by babysitting or volunteering at a nursery. Babysitting small children might even change her mind about wanting another baby!

Spend time together as a family. Be sure to spend time each day appreciating your family. Have family dinners together without electronics on hand. Plan regular weekend outings to the skating rink or bowling alley. Limit your hours working overtime so you don’t miss out on time with those who mean the most.

Moving Forward

Give her some space to think. After your talk, your wife may change her mind about wanting kids. She might also be very disappointed. Either way, give her some space to process this information and don’t try to make her think the way you do about the issue. Don’t bring up the issue again until she says she’s ready to talk. Continue to check in on her emotionally. Ask her how she’s feeling and do random acts of kindness for her like surprising her with flowers or cooking her favorite meal.

Discuss a potential vasectomy or other sterilization options with her. Though your body is your own, you should still make any permanent decisions with your spouse’s knowledge. Discuss your desire to get a vasectomy with your wife before you make an appointment to do so. This will help foster trust and openness in your relationship.

Determine if this is a dealbreaker. Perhaps you have children from outside of your marriage and your wife has none of her own. In cases like this, the issue of children might be a dealbreaker. Talk to your wife to determine what you can do to keep your marriage together or whether it’s better to move forward separately.