How to Talk to Your Daughter About Puberty

Making Sex and the Body Topics of Conversation

Don't wait and have "the talk." In generations past, parents often sat down with their children and had a big talk about "the birds and the bees" around the age of puberty. This strategy often overwhelms children with too much information at once, or backfires if children have already heard about the topics from school or the media. Instead of having one big talk, think about this as an ongoing conversation that lasts her entire childhood, providing your daughter with information about her body and sexuality. If you haven't started having this ongoing conversation with your daughter, start now. As long as she is living with you, she can benefit from your wisdom and knowledge on these subjects.

Keep it age appropriate. While it is not a good idea to wait and spring too much information on her at one time, you also want to be sure that you always provide only age-appropriate information. Telling a young child too much information about reproduction, for example, could frighten her or give her a distorted view of sex. Keep things age appropriate by emphasizing the following topics during the right ages: Before age 8, focus on body positivity. Use the correct terms for body parts, like "vulva" and "vagina," and teach her that girls and boys have different parts. Teach her about the difference between "good touch" like hugs and pats on the back, and "bad touch" in areas of the body covered by swimsuits. Teach her what to do if she is uncomfortable. By age 8, talk to your daughter about menstruation. While it is uncommon, your daughter could experience an early onset of menstruation any time after age 8 (although it is more common closer to 12). It can be a scary experience for a young girl to start her period without any knowledge that it is normal or preparation on what to do. From about age 8-10, talk to her about relationships, peer pressure, and the changes in her and her friends' bodies she can expect during puberty. Provide more information about menstruation as well as breast changes, hair and body odor, weight gain, and mood changes. From 10-12, she will need to learn more details about menstruation, hygiene, and sexuality. From ages 12 and up, talk to her about romantic relationships and physical affection, including holding hands, kissing, and sexuality. Talk to her about pressure, bullying, and self-image.

Build an atmosphere of openness. As a parent you want your daughter to feel comfortable asking questions and coming to you with her concerns. However, if you don't cultivate an atmosphere of openness and safety in your home, she will feel obligated to find her answers elsewhere. Spend time together as a family. Eat dinner together. Develop mutual hobbies like gardening, sports, or camping and do these things as a family. Put away your tech. Encourage your family to be present in the moment during family times by eliminating distracting technology like phones, television, or game systems. The fewer distractions, the more likely your family will talk. Talk about everything together. Keep a running dialogue with your child. Ask questions, tell her about your day, and be involved with her day to day life. Prioritize her. If she comes to you with a question or wants to have a discussion, stop what you're doing if you can and talk to her. If you can't stop and talk then, schedule a time as soon as possible when you will talk to her about it. Follow through and actually have the conversation.

Pay attention to the way you talk about these topics. Many people are uncomfortable talking about sex, the body, and puberty, and if you are one of them you may not even realize how your discomfort might affect the way you approach these topics with your daughter. If you talk about these things in a way that makes them seem forbidden, secret, or taboo, she will pick up on that from you. Whispering or acting as if the subject is secret or shameful might convey to your daughter that there is something wrong with her body or that you are upset with her. Remember that there is a difference between her privacy and secrecy.

Consider building your family library with helpful books. There are many books on the market that cover topics like anatomy, sexual reproduction, puberty, and other important issues in a straight forward and age appropriate way. Having books available gives your daughter a safe resource if she has questions or simple curiosity and does not feel comfortable asking. Ask your librarian or local bookstore worker for suggestions, or visit parenting forums online to find recommendations. While your daughter probably uses the internet for research for school projects, let her know about the dangers of searching online for topics related to sexuality and the body. It's important that you teach her from an early age that there are certain topics that are not safe to search online, not because you don't trust her, but because the internet contains dangerous things. Additionally, be sure your home computer has parental controls to block questionable websites. Many well-meaning children have stumbled upon pornography or other problematic sites while searching for information on puberty.

Starting the Conversation About Puberty

Wait until you have some privacy. You don't have to make a big deal out of it by telling her you need to have some serious conversation. You can just bring it up casually on a car ride or while you go for a walk in the neighborhood. Although it is great to foster an open family atmosphere where other siblings and both parents can have open discussions about puberty and sexuality, if your family is normally private or reticent about these things, now is probably not the time to force openness. She will probably not like her body changes being discussed in front of brothers or her father, in particular.

Be honest and thorough. If you feel nervous and you think it is affecting the conversation, you can be honest about that too! Tell her you're a little nervous to talk to her but you want to give her as much information as possible. Being thorough, of course, doesn't mean you have to tell her everything you know on the topic during one conversation. Tell her what she needs to know, and let her ask questions if she wants to know more.

Let her ask questions. Most girls won't have a lot of questions if you put them on the spot, but you can always keep the door open for questions in the future. Let her know that she can come to you with any questions at all, no matter how silly it might seem to her. Promise her you will always be honest with her, and keep that promise. Let her know that you may not always know the answer, but you will help her to find it. When she does come to you with questions, never brush her off or laugh at her questions. It might seem funny at the time ("Mom, can I get pregnant from kissing?") but laughing sends the message that you don't take her seriously. Remember, she does not have as much information or experience as you have.

Focus on practical tips. Your daughter may be embarrassed with all the details of sexuality and anatomy, and may not feel like talking much about it. Many times young girls are more interested in practical tips for navigating puberty, like how to treat acne, buy a bra, or avoid staining her underwear when her period starts. Many girls also enjoy hearing stories about their mother's experiences going through puberty. Don’t be afraid to share your best tips and stories, but remember to avoid telling her stories that will scare her or make her more anxious.

Preparing Her for Changes

Let her know what to expect first. Puberty describes a whole set of changes that occur over several years. These changes often follow a predictable pattern, so knowing what she might expect and in what order these changes may occur might ease her mind. For most girls, the first sign of puberty is the development of breast buds. Her nipples may become more prominent as lumps develop behind them. Slowly, more breast tissue will develop. Her breasts may be uneven in size and tender, but this usually goes away in a few months. Breast buds usually appear around age 9 or 10, but can come earlier or later. The next stage of puberty for most girls involves hair growing in the pubic area. Pubic hair usually begins to grow a year to two years after the appearance of breast buds, but it can happen sooner or later. Usually this hair starts out thin and soft, and gets thicker and curlier over the next few years. The next big milestone she should expect is menarche, or the first menstrual period. The average age for most girls' first period is around 12, but it can happen sooner or later.

Let her know that every body is different. Girls going through puberty often feel like they are the only person in the world experiencing this change, so it's important that you tell her that this is common. At the same time, you want to reassure her that everyone changes at their own pace, and some girls experience more change than others. Your daughter may feel anxious if she is an early bloomer and has gotten breasts or her period before her peers. Similarly, she might feel self-conscious if she is the last in her group of friends to go through puberty. Let her know there is a wide variation on what is normal; for example, some girls start their periods at age 9, while others don't start until 16!

Talk to her about pregnancy and STIs. It is important that you have honest and thorough conversations with your daughter about the risks associated with sex before she ever has her first menstrual period. A girl can become pregnant even before she has had her first period, since an egg is released prior to the first monthly bleeding, and she will not know when the first egg has been released. You do not have to provide her with too many details, but she does need to know. Sex always carries a risk of pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections, even if you use a condom.

Talk to her about her options for menstrual hygiene. Your daughter should know her options for menstrual hygiene including tampons, maxi pads, and cloth pads. Let her make her own choices about what she feels comfortable using. Then, before she begins her first period, be sure she has the supplies she needs to feel prepared. Most young girls are uncomfortable inserting tampons the first time, but they are available in slim or junior sizes to fit younger bodies. Explain how they work and see if she is interested in trying them. If not, she can rely on thin maxi pads with wings for period protection. Some girls may prefer to use cloth pads that can be laundered and reused. Show her each of these options and tell her how they are used. After she has started her period, let her experiment with different options if she wants to. Teach her how to dispose of tampons or maxi pads discreetly by wrapping them in the wrapper before discarding in the trash. Be sure she knows not to flush them down the toilet-- even "flushable" tampons can clog drainage systems. Use a small cosmetics bag or other discreet bag and pack a "period readiness" kit for her to keep in her backpack or purse. That way, if she starts her period for the first time while at school or out of the house, she'll have the supplies she needs. Include a panty liner, pads in a few different sizes, and a change of underwear.

Let her know if and when she can shave. Hair in the armpits, pubic area, and thicker leg hair is a normal part of puberty and a sign of a healthy, developing body. There is no reason to shave it, but since many women do, your daughter may feel pressured to do so as well. If your daughter is uncomfortable with the hair in her armpits, teach her how to shave it safely if that is what she wants to do. Let your daughter know that shaving her pubic hair is not a good idea. It can cause irritation and pain on the thin skin beneath it, and can lead to infections and in-grown hairs. If your daughter is uncomfortable with her pubic hair, offer her a pair of clean hair scissors to cut it. Keep in mind that in cultures where women are encouraged to have hairless bodies, many girls experience embarrassment or even shame about their developing body hair. Never tease your daughter about her hair or make disparaging remarks about hair on other women's or girls' bodies.

Take her shopping for a bra when she's ready. When her breasts begin to develop, she may experience tenderness and pain, and this can be relieved by wearing a gently supportive bra or even a double-layered camisole. However, don't force her to wear a bra if she doesn't want to. Bras really are not necessary for your daughter's health. If she is self conscious about her breast buds, she may ask for a bra, but many girls do not want to wear one at this age. Follow her lead.