How to Talk to a Friend Who Gossips

Confronting Your Friend

Find a private place to talk. Take your friend aside and tell them that you need to talk about something that is important to you. Explain how it made you feel to see or hear others talking about you. If it feels like your friend isn't listening, try to stay calm. You won't make any headway if you start fighting during your talk. Only confront your friend if you are certain they have been talking about you—don't just go on someone else's word. It's no fun to be falsely accused, and you may lose a friend if they haven't done anything wrong. Avoid getting into a back-and-forth. Try to keep the conversation focused on the fact that gossiping is hurtful and wrong.

Express your concerns. Your friend may feel defensive or have reasons that they think justify gossiping, but there is no excuse. Be firm about the fact that you do not like participating in gossip or hearing it about yourself. Tell them that they hurt your feelings and that you're concerned about the friendship. For example, perhaps you told your friend something private about your family, and they shared it with others. Say something like, “As your friend, I want to be able to vent to you about my family and trust that you’ll keep it between us. Just because I tell you something doesn’t give you the right to tell other people about it.”

Tell your friend what you need from them. If you're really hurt by being gossiped about, you may want some space, or a genuine apology. Be honest and tell your friend what (if anything) they can do to regain your trust. Let them know that you value honesty and loyalty in a friend. Make it clear that if they can’t uphold these values, you won’t be able to continue the friendship. Be specific about what you expect from them. For example, say, “If I share something personal with you, I expect you to keep that between you and me. If other people want to know something about me, they can ask me themselves. I’ll do the same for you.”

Giving Them Less to Gossip About

Limit what you tell them. If you really want to stay friends with this person, then you may need to practice speaking more guardedly. Try to avoid subjects which that they can exploit for gossip points, and give your friend very little or nothing negative to say about you. Talk about mostly happy things, and avoid mentioning worries or fears. Avoid sharing personal information about yourself or your family. Stay neutral when you talk about other people—don’t make comments or express opinions about your peers and mutual friends.

Change the subject if you are uncomfortable. If your friend is spilling someone else’s secrets or pestering you for information, stand your ground and say you don't want to talk about it. Don't encourage them once they've started gossiping about someone else.

Distance yourself from your friend. The less time you spend with your friend overall, the less they'll have to say about you. If they are not a “close friend,” you won't be expected to spend as much time in their presence. Take as much time as you need to decide if you want to maintain the friendship. Limit your one-on-one time with your friend by spending time with them at group activities and events where you won’t have a lot of time for personal conversation.

Reconsidering the Friendship

Create and maintain healthy friendship boundaries. Boundaries are important in any type of relationship. Enforcing boundaries with a friend can be challenging, but it will ultimately benefit you and help you build stronger friendships. If your friend can’t respect your boundaries, it may be time to distance yourself from them. A few ways you can set boundaries include: Letting your friend know that you will not tolerate gossip or belittling speech about you to others. Saying “no” if your friend insists on talking about something personal or gossiping about others in front of you. Setting consequences for when your friend violates your boundaries (e.g., “If you keep talking about me behind my back, I will not spend time with you anymore.”).

Give them time to improve. If you’ve talked to your friend and they’re making an effort to change their ways, give them a few weeks or months before making any big decisions about the friendship. Your friend may be trying to change a lifelong habit of blurting things out when they don’t mean to, for example. If your friend does slip up, remind them that they agreed not to gossip to or about you. If they apologize and immediately correct their behavior, that’s a good sign that they are trying to improve.

Be explicit when you want your friend to keep something a secret. Make sure your friend knows that what you are telling them is private and for no one else to know, if you are intent on sharing personal information with them. You may find out that you can’t trust them, but at least they won’t be able to claim that they “didn’t know it was a secret.”

Consider ending the friendship. If your friend can’t stop gossiping and it’s causing you significant stress, then it might be best to go your separate ways. Try keeping them as an acquaintance at first, to see if spending less time around them alleviates the problem. If things don’t improve, tell them that you cannot be friends with someone that you cannot trust.