Responding Differently
Make different choices about how to respond. You can't change his behavior, but you can prevent your own feelings from plunging you into depression. If this happens often, you probably go right from hearing the abuse to feeling bad. Think about the step in between — your belief about what happened and why. Chances are, the reasons for what happened are not specifically about you, but about the frustration and rage of your husband. Make it about him rather than about your perceived failings. Try thinking to yourself: He was mean to me about how long I took in the bathroom — I shouldn’t feel bad about taking the time to shower and put on makeup. He can easily use the other bathroom. He refused to eat the food I had cooked again. He said it looked gross. But this isn’t about my cooking — it’s about him wanting to make me feel bad about myself. I’m not going to do that. He told me I looked fat in my new outfit. I know that I don’t. He just wants me to feel insecure.
Examine your emotions. To get yourself ready to engage with your husband, figure out how you are feeling and how you can explain those emotions to your husband. Are they healthy — sadness, disappointment? Or are they unhealthy — beating yourself up for not being good enough, anxiety, self-hatred? Work on moving your reactions toward the healthy category and decide how you want to express those feelings to your husband. Think about the following kinds of questions: How do I feel about him making fun of me and my friends and how we like dumb movies? I shouldn’t care. It’s sad he can’t be happy for me that I have good friends. I am disappointed he won’t come with me on a hike even though he made me feel bad about going without him. I don’t want to spend another Sunday cooking and cleaning for him — he would just be mean to me about it anyway. I need to get some time away from his negativity. I am good enough for my husband. He says that I’m not, but it’s really about his own insecurity and problems at work.
Draw your husband’s attention to his words. Because he is the one creating the problem, he is the one who needs to change. It's probably going to take a lot more than making him think about his words, but you can put the idea in his head. Sometimes just by making it a big deal rather than being silent or moving past verbal abuse, you can start to make your husband realize what he’s doing. Keep calling attention to his words. Sometimes they might just be belittling, rather than screaming and name-calling — it’s all meant to put you down, and you shouldn’t have to deal with it. Some ideas for doing this are: “When you make fun of the way I look, it makes me feel bad. Could you try to not do it anymore?” “When you get mad at me about the laundry not getting done on time, it makes me feel upset and anxious. Maybe you could help me instead of getting angry about it?” “Telling me that I am stupid all the time makes me feel like I am. I know that I’m not stupid, so please don’t call me that.”
Speaking Out
Engage your husband when he is verbally abusive. Sometimes just by responding rather than ignoring him you can help change the interaction. Keep in mind, however, that this often does not solve the problem. Verbal abuse often follows a script, and you can disrupt it by engaging: ”Stop talking to me that way.” ”I want you to write down what you said to me so that I can keep it and read it back to you later.” ”I’m walking away from this conversation. When you are less angry we can talk.” (Don’t do this if it will escalate the situation.)
Don’t try to reason with him. Verbal abuse isn’t rational. You are not going to be able to get to the root of it on your own, and he will probably not want to discuss the reasons for it anyway. Realize that it is irrational and don’t even try to reason out why it is occurring. Don't attempt couples counseling — it's not a good idea for an abusive relationship.
Set boundaries. When your husband becomes verbally abusive, tell him that you will not deal with it anymore. Explain that you have chosen to set limits on what you will hear from him, and choose not to hear abusive words. If he continues, you might want to leave the room, unless you believe that will lead to escalation. Turning your back and doing something else would be another choice to show you are setting limits. You also need to let him know that you are considering leaving for good if he doesn't decide to change.
Have an exit plan. Let your husband know that you don't have to stay in a relationship that is damaging. Also keep in mind that verbal abuse can lead to physical abuse, and you shouldn't put up with abuse of any kind. Be ready to leave if you think this is a possibility. Formulate a plan for yourself if it becomes necessary to leave at a moment's notice. You might want to include: Money you have set aside, separate from your husband’s. A bag with identification (like passports), Social Security card, clothing, medications, banking information, legal documents (car title, marriage license, birth certificates) that you can leave with a coworker or person that your husband will not know. If you’re taking children, have their birth certificates, Social Security cards, immunization records, clothing, medications, and identification cards (if they have them).
Finding Support
Make a support network for yourself. It might include family, friends, or coworkers. You need people to talk to about your situation. Even though it can feel like you bring the verbal abuse on yourself, you need other people to help you check those reactions and understand that it’s not your fault and that the abuse is irrational.
Reach out to a therapist. Verbal abuse is not something anyone should go through alone. Finding a good therapist to hear your story and formulate other ways to deal with your situation can be extremely helpful.
Have a place to go if you need to leave home. Verbally abusive relationships can be codependent, with both partners having little outside contact. It’s difficult to leave a relationship if you have no friends or family close. Make a plan for yourself if you don’t have a strong support network. Maybe staying in a hotel for a while would be an appropriate response — whatever it is, you need to feel like you don’t have to physically stay with your husband if the verbal abuse becomes too much.
Keeping Your Reactions Appropriate
Don’t use the same tactics back. As satisfying as you think it might be to call your husband the names he might call you, don’t do it. It won’t help your relationship to descend to his level.
Realize that you aren’t going to be able to change him. If he is willing to seek help and therapy, then there’s hope. If he is unwilling to work on changing his abusive attitude, it’s best to work on leaving the relationship, if only for a brief time until you can agree on some kind of therapy program.
Know when to leave. As satisfying as it might be to make a hard and fast deadline — if you call me names again, I’m leaving forever — think about what’s realistic. Will you stay when he is working on changing his behavior? At what point will you give up and leave? Share your plan with your support network so they can help you if it becomes necessary to follow through with your exit plan.
Leave when planned. It’s usually impossible to fix an abusive relationship. Don’t keep threatening to leave then stay — go when he steps out of bounds you have discussed. Reach out to family and friends with information about how to contact you and that you are leaving. Change your cell phone number and give it out only to trusted friends and family, asking them not to give it out. Delete any search history with research about your leaving on shared computers. If you are worried about retaliation and anger, leave a fake trail. Do internet searches for towns hours from where you plan to be. Write down phone numbers of motels in that town (where you won’t be). Go to a safe place that you have set up beforehand — shelter, the house of someone your husband doesn’t know, a hotel. Communicate with your husband through a note you leave at home and let him know you have left and the steps you will be taking (restraining order, divorce, etc.) Let him know a family member or friend he can contact to reach you, but warn him that he will not be able to talk to you directly.
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