Assessing Whether He is Ready for Marriage
Date him without the negative connotations of divorce in mind. The word “divorce” can feel very heavy, especially in a dating situation. You can think to yourself, why is he divorced? Is he a cheater? A con-artist? Abusive? A master manipulator? Refrain from painting your date as a villain in your head. Remember that marriage is a natural next step in adult relationships and that a divorce is a break up. Sometimes the reason for divorce is a lot less dramatic. Don’t make his ex-wife a villain either. Again, people get divorced for simple reasons like falling out of love or just realizing they aren’t as compatible as they once thought. Give her the benefit of the doubt by not judging the relationship because the truth has three sides – his version, her version, and the actual truth.
Accept that he has baggage. Anyone who has been through the relationship wringer will have baggage. A man who is divorced has more baggage than a man who never married does. He might have baggage if he has finances that might stem from his previous marriage (spousal support, child support), potential trust issues, potential children from that marriage, etc. Know what you’re walking into and be accepting of that baggage, but also welcome the trade-off of maturity and less head games.
Pace the relationship and go slowly. Depending on how long ago the divorce happened and how he heals, pacing might be automatic on your guy’s end. Don’t be in a rush to leave a toothbrush at his place or to say “I love you.” Take the relationship day by day. Be wary of divorced guys who jump right into a new relationship with you after their divorce has ended. You don’t want to be rebound girl.
Notice whether his words match his actions. While he says he’s ready, notice whether his actions and his words match what readiness looks like to you. Does he know what he wants? Does he say he’s single? Does he bad mouth his ex? Is he happy and successful at being single? Does he have effective dating skills? He should be able to maintain emotional and physical boundaries and disengaging from things that do not match that. Does he have effective relationship skills? He should be comfortable communicating assertively and authentically, maintaining intimacy and closeness, giving and receiving love freely, and being vulnerable.
Speak openly and honestly with your potential mate about questions that you might have. Find out for certain that your fiancé has worked through his feelings about the previous marriage before he makes a commitment to you. This can include addressing any grief, self-doubt or other negative feelings that came about from the divorce. Discuss what things about the previous marriage he liked. Talk about similarities between your relationship and the past one, but don't mold yourself into something that you are not. Be open about what made the previous marriage fail so that you can work around the issue or avoid making the same mistakes as were made in the previous relationship. Also, remind him that the things that happened in the past relationship have nothing to do with future relationships.
Be patient. Being married once before probably hasn’t killed your chances of reaching the next level in your relationship, but it does mean that he may be hesitant getting married a second time. Bear in mind that his reluctance to get engaged or married again so quickly is not a reflection of his feelings about you. Establish a timeframe for the progression of your relationship. Give him a year, two years, or 3. Do what works for you. If marriage is important to you, have a timeframe that supports your self-respect. If he proposes by then, you got what you wanted, but if he doesn’t propose, don’t wait years for him to make his move. Don’t sacrifice your needs to appease to your partner’s.
Preparing for a Wedding with a Divorced Man
Adjust your expectations for the wedding day. Marriage is different the second time around, especially when kids are involved. Having realistic expectations will help you enjoy the wedding without feeling disappointment. Realize that your husband-to-be's timetable may be different than a person marrying for the first time as far as setting a wedding date, taking care of pre-wedding details and making the marriage official. Determine how you’ll feel about the different experience of a second wedding. If this is your first marriage, will wedding plans taking a backseat to kids bother you? Will it bother you that the honeymoon will literally be over after the honeymoon and that your newlywed years won’t look like the newlywed years of a never-married beau? Think about it.
Speak to your children, if you have any, about the upcoming wedding and what it means for your family. Discuss the role of this person as step-parent. Talk about rules and boundaries of the household, and don't hesitate to seek family counseling if you fear that there will be an issue with the transition. Use your child or children as part of the wedding ceremony. This act of inclusion could create a good memory for your child.
Consider how you feel about his kids. When people check off “irreconcilable differences” as the reason for divorce, children from the former relationship could be a part of those differences. Give yourself time and think about what you’re about to do. Think about the role you’ve played in his kids lives while you were dating or engaged. What did that time tell you about taking the official role of their other mom? Do you like his kids? If you have kids of your own as well, do those kids like one another? Is that a dealbreaker if they don’t?
Secure an official copy of the divorce decree. You will typically need to show this when applying for your marriage license. Either one of you can obtain this by filling out a Divorce Certificate Application form with your state’s Department of Health. Some of the information you’re required to have include the date of occurrence, the city or county of occurrence, a photo copy of a state issued form of identification, and the signature of your fiancé. There will be a fee of no more than $20 that must be paid in exchange for receiving the divorce decree.
Get married! Don’t bend to feelings of the wedding being less special because he has done it before. Walk down the aisle and join the man that you love in holy matrimony on the road to eternal love. Have your kids participate in the wedding by establishing a ritual that involves all of them so that they feel a part of your love too. Include them in the wedding vows and have the officiant recite vows for a blended family in addition to the traditional vows. Create a sand ceremony with the members of the blended family-to-be and have each person pour different color sand into a bigger glass vase, symbolizing the individual as they form a union through family.
Building a Relationship with the Ex Wife and Kids
Visualize the kind of relationship you want to have with his ex. Prioritize the kids above all else and set a goal that aligns with that. People who want to get along typically do, so imagine yourself getting along and follow suit. As the person he intends to marry, it is your responsibility to care for his kids too in accordance with their biological mother. If you see yourself being jealous, angry, and resentful, your relationship with his ex will mirror that.
Take her out for coffee. Take an hour and genuinely connect with her by telling her you love the kids and admiring her for the role she plays in their lives. No you don’t have to be best friends, but building a rapport that is all your own will be beneficial to retaining a healthy dialogue between the both of you. Find a common ground, which will more than likely be the kids. If that is the common ground, stick to conversation that revolves around that.
Understand that the kids have a mother already. It can be easy to feel like you should replace the children’s bio mom, especially if you feel that she is not doing an adequate job. Love her kids, but not so much that she feels insecure. Try not to take over parenting decisions like when children should go to bed, curfews, who they can and cannot hang out with, what they can and cannot eat. Have respect for rules that are already set to avoid resentment between you and the ex-wife, instead to prevent the kids from becoming anxious.
Find what you’re good at and stick with it. This can be what you contribute to the kids’ lives to make them easier and thereby, the ex-wife’s life easier. If she’s good at being punctual, she might be the one who takes kids to their appointments. If you’re better at material things and appearance, you might be the one who takes them school shopping for clothes and shoes. Refrain from stepping on one another’s toes to ensure smooth relationships on all sides.
Call a friend whenever you need to vent about the ex. Avoid unnecessary anger or resentment from your partner and arguments by expressing negative emotions and opinions to someone who is not your partner. Do not insult the ex-wife in front of the kids. They will feel withdrawn from you because you are attacking their DNA by attacking their mother. They might also tell the ex-wife about what you said and it can cause problems between you and her and her and your partner. If anyone vents, it should be your partner. Let him be the person who vents, not you. When you speak negatively about his ex, it is a reflection of him since marrying her was his choice, so refrain.
Designate time to spend together as a family. Blending families for outings might not be your style, but it can be a great way to forge a union and a camaraderie between households. Every week or two, invite the ex-wife over to family game nights or out to a family bowling event. The kids will foster a relationship with you knowing that accepting you won’t mean their mom feels loved any less.
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