Adjusting Your Mindset
Understand yourself. Know your own real needs and distinguish them from other people's expectations. Be honest with yourself about your faults, you need to meet someone who will find your faults minor and forgivable but prize your strengths. Sometimes they are the same thing - a determined go-getter can be described as stubborn by someone who doesn't like her. Try turning every criticism anyone ever gave you inside out, find the compliment version and ask if it's true. Really knowing yourself will make you much more ready to meet someone else. Though personal growth is a lifelong process, if you're struggling to figure out who you are, it'll be much more difficult to figure out what you want in a relationship. Do your best to discover what are your core values and what you really want from life right now. Being aware of your flaws, and being ready to address them, will also make you more ready to address the issues that arise in a relationship. If you're convinced you're perfect, you'll be much less likely to compromise.
Don't expect perfection. If you find it, all the better. But, admit it; you're not perfect. No one is. If you're looking for a 100% perfect man, you will never find him. So be quick to forgive those little mistakes or annoying habits that don't matter, and hopefully he will overlook your imperfections too. Understand what types of annoying habits rile you so much they're a deal-breaker and be up front about those, as well as those you don't think of as a big deal. If you can't stand a forgetful man, you may have to bend on something else to find one who never forgets an anniversary or errand. If you expect perfection, then you'll be too picky to be able to see whether the man in front of you is right for you after all. Let's say you go on a first date with a guy who you think is "okay" and decide never to see him again; why not have a rule of going on at least two dates with a guy before you write him off? If you turn away a guy who doesn't meet all the criteria on your "perfect man" checklist, you may be overlooking some amazing qualities you didn't even know you were looking for. Just remember: not expecting perfection does not mean the same thing as being ready to settle. You're better off being alone than ending with a guy who you think is "good enough" or "better than being alone."
Be happy being alone. If you want to be ready to find the man of your dreams, then you have to be content with your own company before you begin your search. Forget the myth of finding the man who completes you or makes you whole; you should already feel like a fulfilled, well-rounded being, whose life will be improved by the presence of the right man, but not completed. You should have enough meaning in your own life -- through your friendships, work, and outside interests -- to make you a person who is happy on her own but ready for commitment. To grow as a person and be ready to meet the perfect man, you should always designate some time each week for some much-needed "alone time." If you spend all of your free time with friends or family, you are much more likely to be codependent. If you enjoy your own company, you will also be a more fun person to meet, because you'll be excited to talk about all the things that matter to you.
Love yourself. This is another important point. If you want to be able to find the man of your dreams, you have to love who you are. This doesn't mean that you have to completely love every part of yourself, but that you are confident in who you are and happy with what you have to offer. Being aware of your flaws is part of loving yourself, and it will make you a much more grounded person in a relationship. You don't have to brag about what an amazing person you are; you just have to know that you are a worthwhile person deep down. Finding the man of your dreams will not make you automatically love yourself. You'll need to work to build your self-confidence on your own. Of course, finding the right man will make you love yourself even more. But you need to start with a baseline of self-love for this to work.
Get some experience. Yes, ladies, you'll need to get some experience before you can find "the one" and know what you want. Though if Mr. Right walks right into your arms when you're barely out of high school or college, you shouldn't let him get away, most likely, you'll have to wade through more than a few duds to find the diamond. Dating various men will help you get a better sense of your dating style, and of your real expectations in a relationship. You shouldn't date people you obviously don't like just to get some experience, but you should think about being open-minded and dating various people, even if it means stepping out of your comfort zone a bit. Getting some experience will also help you see how difficult it is to find "the perfect man"; every man is different and has a lot to offer, but nobody's perfect. If you expect perfection but never date, it'll be much harder to shatter this illusion.
Knowing What You Want
Define the qualities of your dream man. Though you may never know exactly who the man of your dreams may be until you see him from across the room and feel like you've had the wind knocked out of you, you should definitely have a strong sense of the kind of man you're looking for as you go about your search. The qualities you want shouldn't read like a check-list that has to be completed for you to find the right guy, but you should strongly consider which qualities are a must-have for you to pursue the "perfect" relationship. Here are some things to consider: The person's relationship style. This is an ever-important and underrated point to consider. If you're the kind of person who needs attention 24/7 (generally not a good idea), then you'll need to find a man with similar needs; if you want to find love but need time to hang out with your own friends and do your own thing, then it's important that you see eye-to-eye with your man on this too. The person's interests. Is it essential that your perfect man loves books, hiking, running, painting, tennis, or volunteering as much as you do? If you feel like your key interests must be shared by your loved one, then look for a guy who shares these interests -- or is at least enthusiastic about learning about them. Personality traits. Though you can't say what makes the "perfect" personality for you, there are a few traits that you can look out for. Do you love to make people laugh and need a guy who shares your quirky sense of humor? Are you the sensitive type and need someone who understands your emotions? Great. If you can't live without these qualities in a man, don't force it. Social stance. Are you the shy type, and need someone who brings you out of your shell? Are you outgoing and looking for someone to rein you in a bit, or do you want someone with a similar social bearing so you're understood? Sometimes opposites attract in this category (you may not want to be with someone who craves attention as much as you do, for example), but you should find your social counterpart, whatever that may be. His ability to get with your friends and family. Do you need a guy who fits right in with your friends and family, or is this something you can take or leave? If you spend most of your free time with your friends and family and needs someone who can join right in, then this should be something you should look out for. Religion. If you're Jewish and need someone who shares your religion, or who is open to converting, then you can narrow down your search from the start. Family values. If you're certain that you want to have two or more kids but meet a man who says he hates children, you shouldn't try to work it out and try to change him -- this will be much harder than you think. When you're younger, you might just want to create a lot of fun times, a lot of adventures, and a lot of intimacy. As you get a little bit older, it's common to want to create a partnership. Only by really understanding what you want right now and evaluating potential partners this way will you be able to tell when someone's right for you.
Define your deal breakers. The qualities you don't want can be just as important as the ones you need. If there are a few deal breakers that will mean you can't make a relationship work, no matter how hard you try, then it's better to know what they are up front than to try to stick it out before failing. These qualities have to do with your priorities and what you are not willing to put up with no matter what -- there's no shame in admitting what they are. Here are some qualities that may be your deal breakers no matter what: If you're missing that physical feeling. However, you may convince yourself that physical attraction can grow over time; this may not happen for you. If your dream man seems perfect but you just can't work yourself up to have the hots for him then Houston, you have a problem. Disagreement over something that matters to you. If you're obsessed with Mitt Romney and your man is a tree-hugging liberal, then you can either enjoy having the constant disagreement, or realize that this disagreement over core values just won't work for you in the end. Geographical incompatibility. If you're an actress who has to live in LA, and he's determined to live in Missouri near his family, or to even live abroad, then you may never be able to make it work if this is something you absolutely refuse to compromise on.
Get ready to compromise -- about some things. Though you should stand your ground on the things that really matter to you, and be on the alert for any red flags that tell you that the relationship won't work, you should have an open mind when you start a new relationship, even if your "have" and "have not" list is firmly ingrained in your mind. When you meet the right man, you may find that you didn't even know exactly what you were looking for, so get ready for the ride. Don't reject the man because he only meets 8 of your 10 most important criteria. He may have other qualities you didn't even know you needed. If you're with a person but always have a fundamental disagreement that you keep coming back to, then you may be better off moving on than trying to fix something that is too broken. In the end, you may find that it's all about balance. As long as both of you make each other happy and fulfill most of each others' needs, you're off to a great start.
Know where to look. Knowing what you're looking for is half the battle; the other half is knowing where to look. If you know what your dream man should be like but spend all of your time at home or in the wrong bars, then you'll never get to meet him. The most important thing is to be open to love no matter where you go, because ultimately, no one can predict where you'll find the man of your dreams. However, knowing where to look can greatly improve your chances of meeting him. Here are some great places to look: Ask your friends. There is nothing shameful about asking your friends to set you up; if you ask someone who really knows you and has a sense of who you'll click with, then you have a great chance of being set up with a person who is right for you. Find someone who shares your interests. Join a roadside runners, hiking, or acting club and look out for the guy who loves the same things that matter to you. Look for him at a party. Many people meet the loves of their lives at the party of a mutual friend; your friend can bring together various people who all generally get along and can click over a few glasses of wine. If your friend invites you to a party at her house, be open to the invitation. Go online. Welcome to the 21st century, girl. More and more people are meeting their dream men online, so don't knock online dating until you try it.
Hooking the Man of Your Dreams
Be the person you want to marry. What kind of person are you attracted to? What kinds of traits does he have to have? To attract the kind of person you like, you have to have those traits too. Also look at traits that are complementary - if you're very domestic, you may be happier with a man who doesn't putter in your kitchen but never gripes about mowing the lawn or cleaning the gutters. You don't have to be exactly like your dream man, but if you want someone who is funny and confident, it would help to share these qualities too. He can bring out your best qualities, but he can't force you to take on a new personality.
Be an interesting person. Find a hobby or two that makes you stand out. Whether you like to play sports, paint, play a musical instrument, or go clubbing at night, surrounding yourself with people of your same interests will increase your chances of meeting the man of your dreams while having fun at the same time. Don't think you have any hobbies? Try something creative, you may have unexpected talents and discover it's fun. Go out and volunteer in your community. The more things that interest you, the more likely you'll be to connect with a man you meet. If you have five interests that matter to you, you'll be more likely to find a guy who connects with at least one of them. The more interests you have, the less likely you'll be to obsess over finding the right guy, which will in turn make you much more desirable.
Make a good first impression. Though the guy will get to know you as time goes on, you should start off on the right foot. Make an effort to look nice while staying in your comfort zone when you know you'll have a chance to meet men. Even if you're having a bad day or didn't really feel like going out, you should always be ready with a smile and a joke, because you never know when you'll find the man of your dreams. If you dress to express a subculture like Goth or medieval recreation or something, you'll stand a better chance of finding someone within that subculture but it may put off mainstream guys. Artists are often attracted to women with paint in their hair, mainstream guys might not be.
Avoid being codependent. A codependent relationship brings out the worst in both partners and shatters lives. If you grew up in a codependent environment, seek counseling and learn to overcome codependent habits before getting serious about any romantic relationship. You're better off taking your time than enduring the emotional and possibly physical abuse of codependence. That's what it leads to - abuse. If you're willing to give up everything you love about yourself for the man you're with, then you have a big, big problem.
Be real. Don't try to be someone you're not, or you may get typecast in a narrow role that doesn't include all that you are. If you're normally casual and dress to the nines whenever you meet him, he may reasonably expect you to dress like that all the time and be disappointed once you're together. If you pretend you don't like books and hook up with him, you may wind up spending the rest of your life having an argument every time you want to order from Amazon. If you try to be someone else just to hook him, he'll eventually find out, and he'll feel like you were trying to trick him.
Don't come on too strong. This is a key point to staying with the man of your dreams. If you love him instantly, great, but don't blurt it out unless you're sure you've had the most magical chemistry from the start. If you can see him as your husband, the father of your kids, perfect, but don't mention it on your third -- or your tenth -- date. Let things run their course before you both feel serious enough about each other to talk about the future. If the man is really the man of your dreams, then obviously, you'll want to tell him. But if you reveal this too early, you may look like you're a little desperate. In the beginning, keep things light. Go on dates once or twice a week at most, but don't call him every day or try to see him as much as possible in the beginning, or you may scare him away.
Making it Last
Don't lose him for lack of affection. Though coming on too strong can be a problem, so can the opposite problem -- not letting the man know how much he means to you. If you've been together for a while and you haven't told him how much he means to you or gone out of your way to complement him, then you may be closer to losing him than you think. Though men don't generally like to be smothered with love and affection, they do like to be told that they're doing something right. This doesn't mean that you should rush to say "I love you" -- or to say it before you mean it. But it does mean that you should be aware that men like to be praised, too. When you're together, if he likes to hold hands, cuddle, or kiss, return the affection. If he feels like he's always starting it first, then he may not see that you're into him.
Make sure you're compatible. This is crucial for the survival of any serious relationship. Your man may look great on paper, but you should also be compatible when you're together. This means laughing easily, having great conversations without hardly ever running out of things to talk about, seeing eye-to-eye on the small things, and being able to get through a day -- or a week, or a month! -- together without fighting every two seconds. Compatibility isn't something you can force, but it should be something you can look out for. If you find yourselves fighting a lot, ask yourself if it means that you're just not cut from the same cloth, or if both of you just like to problem-solve by fighting.
Be patient. Give it time, woman. Don't rush to the altar after six months of bliss. If you really want to make it last, then you have to have the patience to go through months, or years, of a good relationship, before trying to force marriage, children, or any serious choices onto your man. For the first year, at least, just enjoy your time together and work on developing a strong bond before trying to leap to the next step. If you want to quickly doom your relationship, you should talk about marriage as early as possible. Every relationship is different. Don't worry about your friends who got engaged after just a year together and try to force that on your own relationship if it doesn't fit.
Share the same long-term goals. If both of you want to focus on your careers for the foreseeable future, then great. If you're both ready for the marriage and kids thing, awesome. And if you're okay with living right where you are for the rest of your lives, even better. Unfortunately, it's not often that you can be so in sync with your partner. If you are, then great. But if not, you should make sure that you share as many long-term goals as possible, so you can move forward together. Of course, you should both be willing to compromise, but this will be much easier if your visions of the future aren't wildly different. Obviously, the most important shared long-term goal should be developing your relationship. You should both be invested in the relationship 100% to be able to move forward.
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