How to Deal With Your Mom After a Fight: Expert Advice

• After a fight with your mom, take some time to calm down: get some space from your mom and cool off by taking a walk or spending time with a friend.
• Reflect on your role in the fight and try to see things from your mother’s perspective.
• Apologize to your mom, and express your own feelings in a respectful way.

Thinking It Over

Take some time apart. Let your mother settle down, and give yourself time to think everything over. Get out of the house if you can, giving both of you the space you need to cool down. Spend time with friends or go for a walk to clear your head. If you’re still living at home and your mom has grounded you, try other methods to calm down in your room, such as listening to music or talking to a close friend on the phone.

Examine your role in the fight. Despite what they say, it doesn’t always take 2 to tango—but it often does, and it’s worth doing some reflecting to see if you played a role in your fight with your mom. Can you see aspects of the fight that were your fault? Did you break a rule or get bad grades in school? Are you upset with her because she won't give you permission to do something? Think about your role in the fight and try to identify at least three things you know you did wrong. This will help you to build a genuine apology for her later. Sometimes fights happen when we are in a bad mood, tired, or hungry. Were any of these conditions relevant in your case? Did you fly off the handle with your mom simply because you had a bad day? You don’t have to be a teen to get in a fight with your mom: even when you’re grown up, your mom will likely still try to play the “mom card” on occasion, which might cause some friction between you both. If she offers unwanted critique of your job or relationship, it can be easy to fly off the handle.

Try to see things from her perspective. Now that you have a better understanding of the fight and what may have gone wrong, try to view it from your mom's perspective. Was she tired from coming in after work? Is she sick or not feeling well? Did you blindside her with an accusation or offensive statement when she was preoccupied? For years, counselors have used a strategy to help people identify when they need self-care and avoid any heated discussions or decision-making. The acronym is HALT and it stands for hungry, angry, lonely, and tired. Taking a good measure of your own and your mother's mood state in the future can prevent unnecessary disagreements.

Envision a role reversal. Oftentimes, when we fight with someone, it’s because we don’t understand their train of thought—especially when we’re fighting with our parents, who may not feel they need to explain their thinking. They say “no,” and that's all you hear: you don't see the underlying rationale for the decision. To help you better understand your mother's actions, imagine yourself in her shoes talking to your own child. How would you have reacted in a similar fight with your child? Would you have tolerated your behavior? Would you have listened to a counterargument if your child's safety was in question? Even when we’re adults, our parents may feel (or want to feel) as if they have some amount of control over our lives, and that desire for control may influence how you both communicate about important issues. Thinking about parenting from your mother’s point of view may help you to develop greater empathy for her and also give you some insight into her decisions.

Improving Your Communication

Go to her and apologize. After both you and your mom have gotten some distance from the fight, seek her out to apologize for your role in the argument. Go to your mom and ask if now is a good time to talk (being mindful of the HALT states). If she welcomes you to talk, start by saying you're sorry. Use one or two of those behaviors you identified as wrong to verbalize your apology. It might sound like this, "I am sorry I waited until the last minute to tell you about the money I needed for school.” Next, include a remedy to the issue. The remedy might sound like, "I will try to give you advanced notice in the future when I need money for school things."

Tell her that you have tried to see things her way. Express to your mom that, after some deep thinking, you realized that you were inconsiderate or inappropriate during the fight. Give her a few points about the things you noted about your own behavior that were not helpful to the argument. Your mom will probably be astounded that you took the time to consider her perspective. She may even view you as more mature.

Try to make her feel respected. Talking back, having an attitude, or refusing to listen can come off as disrespectful to your mom. Even if you don't think you did any of these things, your mom may have felt slightly disrespected after the argument. Do a few things to acknowledge your respect for her. Show respect by doing the following: Try to listen and pay attention when she speaks. Avoid checking your phone when she is talking. Acknowledge all the things she does for you. Share things with her that are happening in your life. Ask her opinion about important topics. Refrain from interrupting when she's talking. Do chores/tasks without her having to ask. Refer to her by the name she prefers (i.e. Mom or Mother).

Communicate your own feelings in a respectful way. Chances are, the fight may have left you feeling unheard. After you have listened to your mother and shown her that you can see things from her perspective, try to help her understand yours. Use "I" statements to take ownership for your feelings while minimizing the chances that your mom will get offended. Then, state your needs to your mom without putting down her position or beliefs. Pretend that you and your mom were fighting about how often you've been going over your friend's house. You can say "I have been spending time with Whitney because she's really upset over her parents' divorce. I understand your concern. It would be great if you could work with me so I could be supportive of my friend and still get homework and chores done here."

Discover a common interest. You might wonder what this has to do with getting over a fight with your mom. Well, finding an activity that you two share can help you to forge a closer bond with her and enhance the way you communicate with her. Spending time with your mom in a relaxed state, such as while watching a movie, going for a run, or gardening, may help you to see her as a person with many facets, just like you. As a result, you may earn a greater sense of respect and love for your mom.