Give constructive criticism when you have a good reason to do so.
Before you criticize, ask yourself, “What is the point here?” Identifying what you’re hoping to get out of the conversation will help you figure out to where you want to focus the chat. If you don’t have a clear objective in mind, you risk overloading the person with excess information, or making them feel like you’re boxing them in. You may have a specific behavior you want to see changed. For example, your goal may be to get an employee to stop breaking a company rule, or for a student to stop shouting out over classmates when they’re excited. Your goal could also be to help somebody improve. For example, you might want to show a co-worker a better way to communicate with customers, or help a teacher you manage get better at classroom management. If you don’t have a good answer to the question, “What is the point here?” you may not need to criticize anything. Having a criticism in mind doesn’t mean it needs to be shared.
Be conscious of your tone.
What you say matters, but how you say it matters a lot, too. If the other person feels like you’re coming from a healthy, friendly place, they’re going to be much more likely to pick up what you’re putting down. It’s hard to improve if you think you’re being attacked for making a mistake, so keep the voice of your volume down, maintain relaxed body language, and try to make the other person feel respected and appreciated with the tone of your voice. There may be occasions where a harsh or serious tone is called-for. If you catch your child playing with fireworks, or you have an employee cursing in front of customers, it’s really important that you emphasize how serious the issue is.
Have the conversation in private.
Praise in public and criticize in private for the best results. Nobody likes to hear that they aren’t doing a perfect job, so have this conversation privately to put the person you’re criticizing at ease. You could invite the person into your office with a smile on your face, or ask someone to swing by during lunch for a quick chat. If you criticize someone in front of other people, they may feel like they’re being attacked or publicly-shamed. The odds are much higher that you have a productive conversation if nobody else is around to witness it.
Lead with something complimentary.
Find something awesome to say about the other person. If you’re critiquing someone’s sales numbers, start by explaining that you see the hard work they’re putting in. If you’re going to critique someone for being rude, start by sharing how you appreciate their passion. Leading with a positive note will put the other person in a more receptive headspace before you get to the heart of the issue. If you’re critiquing a child, you may say, “I love you very much and I appreciate how much work you’ve been putting in at school, but I just got off the phone with your teacher…” If you’re talking to an employee, you could say, “I’ve seen you crushing it on the sales calls, and I think you’re doing a great job, but we need to talk about your punctuality…” To critique a friend, you might say, “I know you care about me and you know that I care about you, but something has been bugging me recently…”
Use “I” statements to keep things positive.
Phrase your critique using “I” to keep them from being defensive. If you come right out and start a bunch of criticisms with “you,” the other person may feel like you’re attacking or cornering them. Start with “I” to frame things around your perspective. This way, it won’t feel like you’re trying to impose your beliefs or ideas on them, and they’ll be much more likely to absorb what you’re getting at. For example, instead of saying, “You need to stop talking to your dad that way,” you might say, “I don’t feel good when I hear you talking like that to your father.” If you were critiquing your friend, you wouldn’t want to say, “You never pick up the phone when I call.” It might be more productive to say, “I feel like we’re not really talking as often as I’d like.”
Give them a chance to self-critique.
One way to broach the critique is to let the other person start. You might ask them a hypothetical question about what they might say if you acted the way they have, or encourage them to look at their behavior from a fresh perspective. This is a particularly good idea if you’re worried about the other person feeling attacked or boxed-in. This may also be a good idea if you aren’t sure the other person knows if they’ve done anything wrong. If your employee has been getting in trouble at work, you could say, “If you were in charge and you had an employee with multiple customer complaints, how would you address that situation?” or, “If you had to evaluate your performance, what would you say?” If you were talking to your child, you might say, “If you saw one of your classmates acting like this, what would you think of them?” If you were talking to a friend, you could ask, “How do you feel when your friends talk behind your back?”
Relate the criticism to their goals.
Emphasizing the benefits of following your feedback will get them on board. If your criticism feels totally disconnected from the other person’s goals, they won’t be as receptive to it. Ask yourself, “What does this person care about?” Before (or after) you critique them, explain how the feedback you’re giving them will help them achieve their goals to get them to buy in. If you’re meeting with an employee that’s often behind on their work, you might say, “I know you’re looking for a promotion, so I thought we could chat a bit about things you could change to get where you want to be. How does that sound?” If a co-worker is underperforming at work, you could say, “I know you’ve mentioned that you’re trying to improve your sales numbers, and I had an idea that may help with that. Do you want to chat about it?” If you were talking to a child, you might say, “I know you want to go to summer camp with your friends, but if you don’t get your grades up, you may end up in summer school.”
Criticize the behavior, not the person.
It’s easier for someone to change if they don’t feel personally attacked. People don’t always behave in a way that lines up perfectly with who they are or how they see themselves. By focusing strictly on what the other person has done, it’ll be much easier to get them to change. If they feel like you’re putting them down or challenging who they are as a person, they’re not going to respond well. For example, instead of telling a struggling salesperson, “You don’t have a good rapport with the customers,” you might say, “I think you could improve the way you communicate with the customers.” As another example, instead of telling a poorly-dressed co-worker, “You look sloppy,” you could say, “I don’t know if I would choose to wear that to work. Let me explain…” This is especially important if you’re critiquing a partner or family member. Don’t tell your partner, “You’re so mean to me!” say, “I don’t appreciate it when you talk to me that way.”
Be honest about how serious the issue is.
If the reason you’re critiquing them is a big deal, say so. At the same time, if the subject you’re discussing isn’t critically important, acknowledge that as well. If someone is just violating a super-minor policy at work and they probably don’t even know they’re doing it, don’t treat it like the end of the world. However, if someone is behaving in a way that’s jeopardizing someone’s safety or their job security, it’s important to drive the point home. Adjust the tone and language based on how essential the criticism is. You might tell an employee who shows up a few minutes late, “Look, I know it seems like a little thing, but I’d appreciate it if you clock in exactly at 9:00 am, and not 9:04 or 9:02.” For something serious, like a worker cursing at rude customers, you might say, “I’ve got to level with you here. It’s extremely important that you don’t talk to customers like that. It impacts the reputation of this company.” If you’re critiquing a child, it’s important to emphasize why you’re trying to correct them. If they’re doing something dangerous, they need to know how serious it is.
Acknowledge external circumstances.
Respecting other factors will help the other person take responsibility. If they’ve been going through a tough time at home, let them know you understand they’re struggling with some personal stuff. If they acted out because they were being antagonized, admit that you might have behaved the same way but still need to say something. This is key when it comes to getting people to internalize the essence of what you’re getting at. For example, if you’re critiquing your partner because they’re skipping out on housework, you might say, “I know you’re trying to catch up at work, and I appreciate you for contributing to our home, but I’d love some help with the dishes every now and then.” If you’re talking to a child, you might say, “I know you get excited sometimes and it can be hard to control yourself, but I’d appreciate it if you don’t act out like the next time you have friends over.” You might tell a tired late-night worker, “I know these night shifts are really tough, and it’s hard to get enough rest, but when I see you sleeping on the job, we have to talk about it.”
Be concrete about future changes.
Give the other person specific steps to take. If your criticism is nebulous or abstract, they’re going to have a hard time using your criticism in any kind of constructive way. Once you’ve walked through the criticism, provide actionable suggestions that the person might take to improve in the future. You could even offer to help them take those steps! For example, you might tell an employee who keeps forgetting a part of their uniform, “So, the next time you get ready to leave the house for work, remember to check your bag for the name-tag. If you do forget it, come see me before your shift starts and I’ll give you a backup.” If you have a roommate that's not pulling their weight, you could say, "Stacy is handling the kitchen and I'm going to clean the bathrooms. Can you take care of the yard work every week?"
Tell them you believe in them.
You can lead or close with this, but make them feel supported. If the person being criticized feels like you don’t believe in them, they’re going to leave the conversation feeling bad about themselves. If your goal is to help them change for the better, remind them that you appreciate their hard work and know they’re capable of what you’re suggesting. For example, you could close out a chat with a struggling student by saying, “I know how smart and kind you are. I believe in you, and I’m sure you can do this!” You might tell an employee who’s struggling with confidence, “You’re a real asset to our team, and I know you’ve got what it takes to improve.”
Respond to concerns with understanding.
Giving the other person a chance to respond is essential. If they don’t feel like they have a voice, they’re not going to walk out of the conversation feeling like they’ve been given a fair shake. Give the other person an opportunity to respond or explain how they feel. Even if you think they’re wrong, or focusing on the wrong part of the criticism, it’s important for them to feel like you’re listening. You could close out with something like, “Does all of this sound fair to you?” or, “How do you feel about all of this?” and just let the other person share. If they seem resistant by the end of the conversation, you could even close with something like, “I totally get why you’re frustrated. I’d be frustrated too, but we still need to address this.” If they get defensive or upset that you’re critiquing them, try to reel things in a bit and remind them you’re just trying to help. You might say, “I’m not trying to put you down here. I’m just trying to help, and I’m sorry if it doesn’t feel that way.” If someone gets so bent out of shape that they start yelling or something, keep calm, try to help them relax, and just let it go. They’re clearly not in a headspace where this is going to be a productive conversation.
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