Discussing Wishes with Your Parents
Ask yourself why you want to move. Before you approach your parents with your wish to move, think about what your motivation is. Not only can this help you flesh out your feelings, but also help you more convincingly make your case to your parents. Write down your reasons for wanting to move. For example, you can have things like “better educational opportunities for me and job chances for dad,” or it could be something like “the house is too big for mom to care for.” It also helps if you have relatives where you are planning to move, with something like "closer to grandma and grandpa." Your argument will be more compelling if you share your reasons and explain how they connect to your values. Consider keeping a list of pros and cons for moving. Think about factors such as expenses, losing friends, gaining new opportunities or helping shoulder burdens.
Plant the seed of moving. Try and not spring on your parents immediately that you want to move. Take time to plant the seed at the right moments once you’ve had a chance to write out your own motivations. Avoid being pushy. At times that are not rushed, mention that moving might make life a little better or easier. For example, you could say “mom, maybe we both wouldn't be so frantic to leave every morning if we didn't live so far from school" or “dad, maybe you’d have more energy if you didn’t have such a large space to care for.” Point out potential new places when you’re out. For example, say to your mom and dad when you’re headed to the grocery store, “wow, look at everything in this neighborhood: schools, stores, restaurants, and it’s so much closer to your jobs.” You can also say “wow, this assisted living facility has so many amenities and is really close to our house.”
Research potential new homes. Once you’ve planted the seed that you want to move, your parents will likely start to get the message. Researching potential options before your parents start asking questions about your motivation and where you want to move can help you make a more convincing case. Go online for places you might like to live or move. Use these as a part of the hints you subtly drop hints. Keep in mind elements such as finances when you’re searching. You may not be aware of your parents’ financial situation and how your suggestions affect them emotionally and possibly financially. Research new places to live at a variety of price points. Keep notes on different places so that you can convincingly present them. For example, if you want to move to a different city, you could include things like the standard cost of housing and living, the overall health profile of the place, and the advantages it presents to you over the current place you live.
Use the right “moment” for discussion. The next time a parent shows stress about the house, suggest moving. Let this stimulate an open discussion about your desire to move and the practicability of it. Have the discussion when you’re less likely to be interrupted. Start the conversation with your observations and concerns about staying and the reasons you would like your parents to consider moving. Let them know you are serious, but try and keep the conversation as honest and positive as possible. For example, you can say “I’m really interested in pursuing my interest in science and the school in New York has much better opportunities for me to do this,” or “I’m being bullied at school and feel like an outcast.” Likewise, you can say “mom, I think it’s a good idea to move so that you have a built-in community and help whenever you might need it.” Suggest that your parents talk to your friends, colleagues, or teachers about your wishes. This may help them better understand that your position is serious.
Give your parents time to consider. After you’ve had the discussion with your parents about moving, wait and let them think about moving. Remember that moving doesn’t happen overnight and may require that your parents take time to consider the pros and cons for them and your entire family. Put yourself in your parents’ shoes and be sensitive. As they consider your wishes, keep in mind how it affects your parents. Although moving might be great for you, it can put financial and emotional stress on your parents. Stay away from pushing the idea on your parents once you’ve discussed your wishes. This may annoy or stress them and could end up in them dismissing the idea altogether.
Respect the decision. No matter what your parents decide about moving, respect the decision they reach. There may be factors about which you are unaware that influence your parents’ decision and nagging them may have negative consequences for you. Offer to help your parents in any way you can if they decide to move. Keep your parents in the loop about your feelings if the motivation for wanting to move is issues at school. Talking about problems with them may help. Revisit the issue in the future if your parents said they weren’t sure or wanted some more time to think about it.
Considering Different Options to Moving
Get support. If moving isn’t an option at the moment, or at all, consider getting support to help you cope with why you want to move. This may help you realize that you can formulate alternatives to moving that may make you feel better. Speak with your family, friends, and/ or a trusted person. Be open and honest with them about your feelings and ask them for advice on how best to handle your situation. Seek the help of a professional such as your doctor, a psychiatrist, or a counselor.
Move away temporarily. If a permanent move isn’t in the cards, explore your options for moving away temporarily. From exchange years to staying with relatives, even some time away may make you feel better or even help convince your parents that a move would be good for the family. Suggest going to live with family or friends in a different area. Although it might not be your first choice of places to live, it can give you a chance to move and experience something different. For example, you could say “would it be possible for me to stay with Uncle Chris for a couple of months and go to school there?” or “mom, would you like to come and stay with us for a few weeks? This will give you a chance to relax.” Consider going on an exchange program if you are a student. Not only can going abroad let you “move,” but it may also provide you new perspectives and adventures. Capitalize on vacations. For example, if your family is having a great time on vacation, mention to your parents how much more there is to do where you’re vacationing or even how much better your family gets along.
Switch schools. If your reasons for moving are related to education, such as bullying or learning opportunities, ask if you can attend a different school. This may help you handle issues when you are not able to move. Research schools in your area that have qualities that you want. For example, if you want to focus on science, find local schools that offer excellent programs in science. Ask your parents about the possibility of switching schools. Remember that this may mean they need to drive you to a different town or area every day, which could make their lives more difficult. Be aware that switching schools can also come with disadvantages: you will be the “new kid” and may find you have the same problems at the new school as you did at the old one.
Find alternative activities. Visit your local chamber of commerce or ask friends or colleagues about different opportunities in your area. This may give you a chance to see the advantages of staying in your area. See what activities, clubs, or events are happening. In many cases, people will carpool to local happenings and this may give you a chance to meet new people and “move” without leaving your home. Ask friends and even people you meet while you’re out about activities or events in your area.
Participate in a new community. The Internet has made the world much smaller. If moving physically isn’t an option, you can move spiritually by joining a new and/ or virtual community of people who share your interests and beliefs. Research different communities online. For example, if you are interested in pursuing a degree in Roman history, you could join an online forum of archaeologists or other Roman history enthusiasts. Consider seeing what other communities exist in your local area. For example, churches may be a place to find people with similar interests or locating a horse club online may help you connect with someone else in your area with similar interests in horses. Let your parents know about the communities or activities in which you are interested. This can help them support you and may also make them revisit their decision about moving.
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