How to Convince People to Do What You Want

• Being kind or doing favors for the person you want to persuade will make them more likely to give you what you want.
• Create a sense of solidarity with them by using "we" and "us" instead of "you."
• Provide an incentive for them to agree with you: give them some benefits upfront, or talk about what they could lose if they don’t side with you.

Do them a favor first.

Ask for what you want after you’ve just done the other person a solid. People are most persuadable immediately after thanking you for something, and you’re are at your most persuasive after being thanked, so the perfect time to ask for a favor? Just after someone's thanked you for something. To increase your chances of getting what you want, try starting the task off for them. People are more likely to be compliant if they've seen you've already put in a little bit of work. Let's say your partner says, "Thanks for making dinner, honey. It was great." You reply with, "You're welcome. I've just started the dishes – can you finish?"

Give them an incentive to do what you want.

A little incentive can go a long way toward convincing them to agree with you. There are 3 basic types of incentives you need in your arsenal: economic, moral, and social. If you know your audience and what they value (Are they hard-up for cash? Do they crave social clout? Are they a diehard do-gooder?), you'll know which will be the most effective. Economic: Let the person know that they may lose out on a great money-making opportunity, or that they could gain money by complying with your wishes. Moral: Let them know that helping you out is a kind thing to do, and may even benefit others. Social: List other people who are doing or have done the same thing. This is especially effective if you can include their friends or people they admire.

Let them think they came up with the idea.

It’ll be easier to persuade them if they think they’re the mastermind. Implanting an idea in someone's head is one of the hardest things to do when it comes to persuasion, but it is also one of the most effective. Instead of outright saying what you want, just dance around it for a while. In time, with the right dance, they'll come up with the idea themselves. If you want to get money from your coworkers for your daughter's fundraiser, don't ask outright—instead, start a conversation about charity and how great it is to help people. Then, mention that your daughter is working a fundraiser right now. Your colleagues may offer to donate.

Talk about what they'll lose.

People are more persuadable when they're confronted with loss, rather than gain. This idea has been well-researched. When confronted with a new opportunity, people are less likely to act if the opportunity comes with the potential for gain, but they’re motivated to act if there’s a chance they could lose something. We become attached to what we already have, even if the gain is the same. Imagine if someone tells you you're going to lose your favorite shirt. You'd be a little taken aback. On the other hand, if they told you you're going to get your new favorite shirt, you would probably be less convinced.

Ask them for a favor that is consistent with their behavior.

People are likely to remain consistent with their past actions. If they believe they're a good person and have examples in their memory of that, they will continue to strive to be a good person. Therefore, people are easier to persuade to behave in certain ways if they have acted that way before. Avoid asking someone to do something that goes against their values, their habits, or their vision of themselves. Let's say you're helping out your daughter with her fundraiser. If your friend Nguyen donated to Henry's son's fundraiser in the spring, it's more likely he'll donate to your daughter's, too.

Pay attention to what they want.

People are more likely to give you something if you give them something too. Before asking for what you want, pay attention to the other person to figure out what motivates them. Some people respond to economic incentives, others respond to moral incentives, and others, to something else entirely. To persuade them to get onto your side, listen to them. Pay attention to what they desire or need. If you can offer them something they want, you'll have a better chance of getting what you want. Let's say you're having trouble getting time off approved by your boss. You hear him mention how he wishes the company could be represented at a series of conventions over the course of the summer. You chime in with the fact that you'd love to make the trip and would take on a few of the expenses yourself. This way, he's getting something, and so are you.

Let them know everyone else is doing it.

Peer pressure can be an effective way to influence someone. Have you heard of the Asch conformity study? A group of people were in a room where only one person didn’t know they were being studied. The group was shown a series of lines, some super short, some quite long. The group in on the study all agreed that the short lines were the longest – and the dumbfounded one nearly always agreed. In short, people are likely to conform under pressure. Tell whomever you're talking about other people who are already doing what you want, and they'll be more likely to do it too.

Use “we.”

The use of "we" immediately conveys a sense of commonality and support. If someone said to you, "You need this product to be better looking. You need this product to succeed in life and to get people to like you," you'd be a little skeptical and maybe even a little offended. Using "you" makes a person feel singled out, which is the last thing you want to do. Instead, imagine someone trying to persuade you to do something saying, "We all need this product to be better looking. If everyone used this product, we would all be succeeding in life and everyone would love us." It sounds less personal and a little magical, doesn't it?

Give them something first.

Bribery can be an effective way to get what you want. Do you know all those people in the mall who try to hand you samples of lotion whether you're avoiding them like the plague or not? That's not just to get you to try their product and fall in love with it – that's to make you feel a little guilty so you end up buying something. You can do this, too—just be a bit more sly about it than they are! Say your child is raising money for some school function. You've promised you would get some funds from your colleagues. A few hours before you approach a coworker to ask if they’d contribute, you drop off some of your daughter's homemade cookies at her desk. After that, you're a shoo-in.

Ask for a mile when you really want just an inch.

Asking for too much will make what you need more achievable. Try to think back to the days when you would pester your parent for the biggest, grandest Christmas present you could get your hands on. You didn't get it, but maybe you got the next best thing. Your parents feel they compromised with you—neither party got 100% what they wanted. Now imagine if that was the gift you actually wanted! They had no idea it wasn't a compromise. Say you just really want to go out to dinner and movie with your partner, but they're always busy. Start out by asking about taking a vacation. After a series of no's, say, "...then how about just dinner and a movie?" They'll see you "backed down" (or so they think!) and be more likely to cave.

Talk about the counterargument.

Playing your own devil’s advocate may lend your argument some credibility. Though it may seem counterintuitive, your argument will be more persuasive if you talk about the opposing side, too. It shows you know what you're talking about, have weighed the pros and cons, and still believe what you're saying. Say you're trying to convince someone that Pepsi is better than Coke. Saying, "It tastes so good and the can is beautiful!" is all well and good, but imagine if you said, "Sure, Coke has more drinkers, but it's in more countries—that doesn't make it better, that makes it more widespread." This shows you know both sides of the argument, but still believe in yours.

Lean on ethos, pathos, and logos.

Use these classic Aristotelian techniques to convince people of anything. Aristotle said there were 3 ways to persuade your audience: through ethos, pathos, and logos. These 3 types of arguments represent the 3 methods through which people are most easily swayed: credibility, emotional appeal, and logic. Ethos. This is credibility. Can they trust what you’re saying? For example, Hanes uses Michael Jordan to advertise their product. If Hanes are good enough for MJ, they're good enough for you. Pathos. Pathos is all about emotions. Do you know those commercials full of images of sad puppies and kittens? That's to pull at your heartstrings so you wind up adopting one. Logos. This is about logic and reason. “If you invest $500 now, you'll have $1000 later,” for example. Who can refuse cold hard logic?

Make them laugh.

Laughing is an effective way to get someone on your side. This is social skills 101: get people laughing and they'll like you better. They'll be happy, they'll associate you with happiness, and they'll be that much more easily persuaded. Humans love being happy—if you can give them that, they may give you what you want, too. Get them talking about something they really enjoy. This will not only make them happy, but if you seem interested in the same topic, you'll be that much more relatable as well.

Get them in the habit of agreeing with you.

Agreeing on small things will make them more likely to agree on big stuff. Recent research has shown that "yeah" is a very powerful, persuasive word. It turns out people like to remain consistent: get them saying "yeah," and they'll want to continue saying "yeah." They'll be in a positive, accepting mood if you get them agreeing early on. Keep talking in the affirmative. Talk about things they love, topics you agree on, and everything that has them saying "yes" and never saying "no." Then, when you bust out the golden question, they won't want to break the pattern they've established.

Be persistent.

Some no’s may be reversible. If they say no, don’t beg or plead, and certainly don’t get aggressive with them. Respect their decision and give them space, but consider trying again later. Persistence can pay off. Just be sure not to be too annoying. Asking and asking and asking can make some people rather infuriated. Space out how often you ask to not seem obnoxious or relentless. It's good to be assertive, but try not to come off aggressively. Assertiveness is rooted in respect, while aggression is rooted in fear and anger.

Have positive expectations of them.

People tend to rise to the occasion. If your parents didn't care about your grades and thought you'd fail, odds are you weren't a stellar student. If your parents just expected great grades and bad ones weren't even a possibility, you were probably great. The same goes for everyone else in your life! This is true for whether it's your children, your employees, or your friends. You put out into the environment what you'll get back. To get people to behave how you want, expect it. In most cases, they'll want to make you happy and avoid conflict.

Make it seem urgent.

Emphasizing that they don't have long to act can push them to action. Giving people a deadline will make them more likely to make a decision (and soon). On the other hand, if you don't present the situation as urgent, they may avoid making a decision, or turn you down because it doesn't seem important. Say you're managing a team and you give them a 3-week deadline when really the project is due in 3 months. During those 3 weeks, you give them a 2-week extension for their “great work." They thank you and feel super relieved—and they might even meet your 5-week goal!

Be confident.

Act self-assured, even if you have to fake it. You may have the best argument for why someone should do what you're asking, but if you don't present that argument with confidence, they may turn you down. Studies indicate that, for better or worse, people prefer confidence even over expertise. The more self-assured you act, the better your chances of getting what you're asking for. If your listeners don't agree, speak quickly. Speak slowly if they do. Research shows that if they don't agree, speaking quickly doesn't give them time to formulate counterarguments. If they do agree, speak slowly, so they can take in every word, becoming more persuaded. Use body language and eye contact that’s consistent with your words. If your voice sounds enthusiastic and full of life but your body is hanging there like a limp noodle, your audience will not be convinced. Confidence is verbal, yes, but it's incredibly physical, too.