Making Funny Comebacks
Consider the situation. The first step in determining how best to respond to any insult is think about the situation and the source of the insult. How best to respond will depend on what's going on. If the person who is insulting you is a friend and is joking around, feel free to joke back! If he has actually hurt your feelings though, you may want to discuss that. If this person is really your friend, he will not want to hurt you.
Decide on an approach. If the person is a bully or someone else who wants to hurt your feelings, decide if you want to ignore her or respond. If you want to respond, you have a few options: Make a funny comeback to make her feel foolish. Make an earnest comeback aimed at stopping the behavior. Try to have a conversation with her to try to get at the root of the problem.
Listen closely and think of a way to make the other person look foolish. To make a good humorous comeback, you need to respond directly to what the other person said to you. A comeback that is off topic won't be effective or funny. People won't get it, and you'll be the one who ends up looking silly. It's easy to get caught up in thinking about what you are going to say next and not really pay attention to what the other person is saying, especially if what the bully is saying isn't very nice. Try to pay close attention to what he is saying about you. His insults should provide the basis for your comeback. A good comeback is one that makes the other person look foolish for insulting you. Think of something that will turn the other person's words back on him. For example, if someone calls you ugly, you could respond by saying: "Too bad you can't Photoshop your ugly personality." If someone makes a joke at your expense, you could respond: "Bet you were up all night thinking about that one." If someone insults your ability or skill at something, you could say: "Well, I learned by watching you."
Show disdain or amusement. Before delivering your comeback, you need to show that the insult hasn't hurt you — on the contrary, you should make it apparent that you think what the bully has said to you is stupid. Your look has to match your words. Use your body language. Raise an eyebrow, laugh, roll your eyes. Anything to show how ridiculous you think the other person's words were.
Respond quickly. For a funny comeback to work, you have to get it out right away. If you are halfway down the hall before you think it up, it won't be effective. If you don't come up with a funny comeback right away, it's better to just save it for another time. If this is an ongoing problem, there's a good possibility you'll have another chance.
Remain professional. If the bully you are responding to is someone you work with, stand up for yourself. Do not, however, cross the line into being unprofessional. In a workplace situation, for example, a good comeback might be one one that points out how the bully's behavior is hurting productivity. Don't make one that that mocks her appearance or intelligence. You might say, "If you put as much effort into your work as you put into making fun of me you might not be behind on your project."
Using Serious Comebacks
Take a breath. Sometimes a more earnest response is a better one — an insulting comeback can end up provoking more of the same (or worse). You still, however, need to show the bully that you aren't hurt by his words, even if you are. Take a deep breath. If you are angry, try to let the feeling go. Anger is what the bully wants to see, so don't give in and show it. Try to put on a "poker face" that doesn't reveal any feelings one way or the other. You can practice this in the mirror at home to make this easier.
Act confident. When you respond to the bully, show that you are confident. It's not just that you aren't angry or hurt — you feel fine about yourself and and confident in your response. Stand up straight, and look the bully in the eye. Speak in a calm, clear voice. You can tell the person insulting you something like: "Your words don't affect me," or, "I don't let people like you get to me."
Show you aren't hurt. Respond verbally with a comment that shows that the insult hasn't hurt you, or that the bully's words are unimportant to you. Here are some good examples: I heard you, but I don't care. You're wasting your breath. Real mature. Are you done? Wow, you discovered I look different than you.
Consider shaming the other person. You might consider a response that promotes feelings of shame for the bully. Ideally, you can make her feel bad for insulting you. Here are some examples: I feel sorry for you. Build up your self-esteem some other way. Your parents must be really proud of you. It's sad that you feel a need to do this.
Ask questions to start a conversation. Some people have found it effective to respond to insults with questions aimed at making the other person open up about the real problem. If you think the person insulting you might be open to a conversation about the real issues that are upsetting him, this might be worth a try. For example, if someone calls you stupid, you might respond by asking: "What is it exactly that makes you feel I am not intelligent?" Even if this doesn't start a heart-to-heart conversation about the bully's own feelings of inadequacy or jealousy, it might disarm him just by being unexpected.
Thinking Ahead
Practice your comebacks. Comebacks are all about timing and confidence. Most people think comebacks have to be spontaneous, but you can improve yours by practicing. Find a friend or a sympathetic adult and have her deliver the insults so you can practice your responses. If you don't feel comfortable with this, you can try it on your own in the mirror. Notice which style of comeback feels most natural to you. If you struggle to come up with a funny one-liner in the moment, then using this tactic will not be very successful for you. Use a different response — like a poker face and saying "Are you finished?" if that comes more naturally. Use what works best for you until you can practice and use the other methods effectively.
Learn a little about your bully. Bullies are usually very socially intelligent and great people-readers. They can easily see which comments get under people's skin. You can benefit from building up this same skill, but using it for defense instead of for aggression (like the bully). Watch the bully's reaction when you deliver your comeback and the reaction of others around him. Did he respond with surprise? Become angry, quiet, walk away? Then the comeback style used was successful. Watch for patterns and make note of what worked and what didn't. Notice, for instance, if humor seems to egg him on. If this is the case, switch to indifference or seriousness. Use the group dynamic to take control over the situation. Did the reactions of others watching tell you that you made an impact? Then what you said is working. Did they laugh at you and continue to support the bully? Then try a new tactic.
Don't become the bully. When you are thinking about comebacks, try to come up with ideas that insult the bully's behavior, not characteristics she can't change. Your goal isn't to be as mean as the bully; your goal is to make the put-downs stop. Don't use stereotypes or attack a person based on her gender, ethnicity, sexuality, religion, or other characteristics such as these. This is just as bad as what the bully is doing to you, and possibly worse. You can also get in a lot of trouble for using these kinds of insults.
Be careful not to provoke violence. Sometimes comebacks can lead to more insults. More concerning, however, is that some bullies might respond with violence, especially to insulting comebacks. Keep an eye out for signs that the person is becoming aggressive. Think carefully about the comebacks you use, and if a violent reaction seems like a possibility, remove yourself from the situation. Do you know if this person has ever gotten in trouble for violence before? Have you heard about him hitting or fighting with others? Or is he a social bully who just uses words? If you know this person has gotten violent in the past, you will want to be very cautious. Watch for physical cues of violence. The person may touch his head or face (rubbing his face or scalp or almost touching his face) and clench his fists, wring his hands, or pop his knuckles. The bully may remove an article of clothing, like a hat or a jacket, and may crouch down slightly. In addition, the person may turn his non-dominant side toward you; so, a left-handed person may turn his right side toward you. If you notice any of these behaviors, do not try to make a comeback and back away from the person. Do not make comebacks to threats of violence. The bully may threaten to hit or beat you, so remain confident. Don't look like you're scared. Instead, get away from the bully and report the threat to a trusted adult.
Get help. If someone is bullying you regularly get help from a teacher, manager, or coworker. Bullies are less likely to pick on you if you aren't isolated. If you can't solve the problem informally, get someone in a position of authority involved. You shouldn't have to deal with constant insults from a bully in any situation.
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