Processing Your Emotions
Give yourself time.It is natural to feel sad and out-of-sorts for a while when love fails. Don't expect yourself to be over your ex in a day or two. Be patient with yourself, and work through everything you are feeling about the breakup. The only way you will eventually be happy is if you give yourself time to completely move on. No matter what the details of the situation are, it's painful and your sense of feeling grounded in the world can go out the window, which is totally normal. Don’t immediately rush into another relationship or try find someone new to love. Make time to get over this first. Allow yourself time to process everything that you are feeling. It's okay to think about the love and why it failed. People may tell you to just get over it. Don’t let anyone else try to rush you into getting over your failed love. However, if it has been several months since your love failed, you may want to put more effort into moving on.
Move past denial. At first you may not want to believe that this love has failed. Don’t get stuck pretending that nothing has changed and that your love is the same as it was. In order to move on and be happy you have to stop denying (to yourself and to others) that this love failed. Don’t contact your ex and act as if things are still the same. This will probably make your ex annoyed or angry and it will make it harder for you to move on and be happy. Put away reminders of your ex. For example, if the background on your phone is a picture of the two of you, then change it. Don’t lie to people if they ask you about the relationship. You don’t have to go into detail, but you should be honest with them. You might try saying, “We didn’t work out, but I’d rather not talk about it any further than that.” Then change the subject.
Accept that it's over. Even though you may admit that your love has failed, you might think that if you change certain things about yourself or can convince your ex the love can work, you’ll get back together. This usually doesn’t work. Instead, accept that it’s over so that you can move on with the rest of your life and be happy. Stop trying to think of ways to make your love work. Don’t try to make your ex jealous or do something dramatic to make them realize how much they miss you. Look in the mirror and tell yourself, “This is really over. It didn’t work out and I accept that.” Do this as often as you need to. Give or send back your ex’s possessions as soon as you can. For example, don’t keep their winter coat in the hopes that you will be back together by the time they need it again.
Forgive your ex. It’s natural for you to feel angry once you admit to yourself that this love has failed. You may want to blame someone for things not working out. But, anger can make you more stressed and bring negativity into your life. In order to move on and be happy, you’ve got to let go of the anger and forgive whomever you need to. Write a letter to your ex forgiving them if they did something to cause the love to fail. You don’t have to give it them. Do something physical to get your negative energy out. Punch a boxing bag, go for a run, swim a few laps, or do some yoga. Forgive yourself if it is your fault that the love failed. Sometimes we make mistakes. You have to forgive yourself, learn from it, and move on to be happy.
Meeting Your Emotional Needs
Boost your self-esteem. Don’t consider yourself a failure or beat yourself up because this relationship didn’t work out. Just because this love failed, doesn’t mean you are a failure at love. Remember that you are an amazing person and you will find love again. To help lift yourself back up again, it might be helpful to work on improving your self-esteem. Make a list of all the good things about yourself that make you lovable and able to love someone else. Tell yourself, “I am lovable and can be successful at love because I am…” Fill in the rest of the sentence with things from your list. Every day try to add one new reason why you are great to your list and constantly remind yourself that you can be happy. There's something very powerful in being able to reflect on yourself, in naming how you feel and what you need and what you have. Give yourself space to really feel
Use your support system. You may feel like isolating yourself and just being alone, but this isn’t a good idea and won’t help you be happy. Being around people that love you is one way to remind yourself that you are lovable. Your friends and family want to help you because they care about you, so it's okay to rely on them for a little while to help you recover. It’s okay to ask someone to just be with you – not doing anything or talking, but just being present with you for support. Talk to them about how you are feeling about this love failing and how you feel about yourself. For example, you might say, “I feel a lot of different emotions because of this love failing. I feel confused sometimes and optimistic at other times.” Don’t resist their attempts to cheer you up. They just want to see you happy. Laugh and have fun with them. Ask them to help you avoid texting, calling, or obsessing over your ex.
Treat yourself well.Not taking care of yourself can make it much harder to be happy after love failure. You may feel cranky due to lack of sleep or feel tired because you aren’t getting enough sleep. Research indicates that break-ups can also actually weaken the heart, so treat yourself well. Eat balanced meals, get enough sleep, and participate in regular physical activity. This will help you physically and mentally. Take the time to do something different or special with your appearance. Try a new hairstyle or put on a flattering outfit. Do something special for yourself like buy yourself some fishing gear, or a have a spa day.
Seek counseling. If you are having trouble completing everyday activities, eating, or sleeping you may want to talk to a counselor. You should also see a counselor if you have started or increased using alcohol or drugs. Counseling can help you with these things so that you can be happy and is just a way of loving yourself. Research has indicated that chemical changes occur in the body after love failure that may cause you to feel depressed. In some cases, your therapist may prescribe an antidepressant to help your body regulate the chemical changes that are going on.
Try coping techniques. Sometimes you may need to use specific coping methods to help you deal with the emotions your love failure has you feeling. Using these techniques can help reduce stress you are feeling right now, as well as help you be happier in the long-term. Practicing deep breathing techniques can help you think more clearly and decrease some of the negative emotions you may feel. Try meditation as a way to calm your mind and heart. For a few moments each day, sit or lie quietly and focus on your breathing, a mantra, or just being present in the moment.
Enjoying the Single Life
Try new activities. One way to enjoy being single is to do things that you can enjoy on your own. Think of those hobbies and interests that you’ve been thinking of doing, but didn’t have the time because you were in a relationship. Make yourself happy by doing them!. You could try an activity or hobby that will develop a current talent or learn or new skill. For example, painting, gardening, swimming, yoga, or poetry are all enjoyable things you can do by yourself. Take an online course on something that has always interested you or start learning a foreign language. Your progress will make you proud of yourself. Start a blog or video channel about something you know a lot about. By continuing to live a vibrant life, you're taking back your power and allowing yourself to heal and transform into someone who feels good to you.
Be social.You’ve got the opportunity to spend time with friends and family that make you happy. You can also meet new people that might turn out to be great friends or even a future love. Don’t just do things by yourself, make the most of being single by getting out and being social. Attend events your family and friends invite you to like recitals or games. You can support your loved ones and possibly meet some new people. Volunteer for organizations or causes you support. You will feel good about helping your community and meet people that have interests similar to yours. Organize small (or large) activities for friends and family like dinner parties or game nights. Tell your guests to bring a guest.
Consider dating.This doesn’t mean that you should immediately find someone else to love. It just means that it’s okay to flirt with and spend time with someone that interests you. This will give you the chance to figure out what will make you happy in a future love. It will also give the opportunity for some fun, if not some epic stories to tell your friends. If you don’t feel ready to date just yet, then try flirting a little. Smile at the cute salesclerk at the grocery store. Compliment the good-looking tech setting up your new electronic device. Remember that dating someone doesn’t mean you are in a relationship with them. Spend time with them to get to know them before you decide if you want to be in a relationship.
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