- Ask open-ended questions without yes-or-no answers to help you conversations flow freely and get others talking.
- Make eye contact, and keep your body turned toward your conversation partner to foster a friendly, easygoing vibe.
- Rephrase and respond to what others say to show that you're attentive and listening.
Asking Questions
Focus on asking open-ended questions to encourage conversation. Asking “yes” or “no” questions doesn’t naturally give others an opportunity to expand and talk more. Instead, try asking open ended questions, like: “Tell me about where you grew up,” rather than “Where did you grow up?” “What types of activities do you like to do when you have free time?” “How did you first get involved with ____,” or “How did you and ____ meet?” Keep in mind that people won't appreciate it if you ask personal or inappropriate questions that are completely unrelated to the topic of conversation. Repeating the same question over and over will make that person not want to talk to you anymore.
Say “tell me more” to invite the other person to continue talking. Sometimes a conversation can stall because the other person fears they’ve been talking too much or perhaps they think their story is uninteresting. Prod and encourage them to continue talking by saying “tell me more” in an open and kind way. For example, you could say, “tell me more about that process,” or “tell me more about what that was like for you.” These statements show that you’re interested in what the other person has to say, and they can lead to deeper conversations.
Turn the question around after answering one yourself. Sometimes other people are really good at asking questions, which is great! After answering them, keep the conversation going by asking them about themselves. For example, if they ask you what kinds of books you like to read, ask them if they’ve read anything good lately that they could recommend. When someone asks you about a specific topic, chances are they have some familiarity with that thing and it’s safe to focus in on that subject.
Ask someone for more information if you’re unfamiliar with a subject. There is nothing wrong with admitting you don’t know something—if you find yourself in a situation where someone is asking you or talking to you about something you don’t know, say something like, “You know, I’m actually unfamiliar with that. Can you tell me more about it?” If they makes you feel badly for not knowing something, chances are they just aren’t a very kind or gracious person. Not pretending to know more than you do also shows that you’re a genuine person, and it’ll probably make others feel that you’re more trustworthy of a person, too.
Being Approachable and Friendly
Maintain a friendly tone to show you’re interested in the conversation. Sometimes when you're nervous, your tone might come off a little odd, so practice speaking kindly to others. Smile when you speak to show you’re open to talking and to make others feel more comfortable. Also be aware of your body language. Crossed arms or slumped shoulders indicate being unapproachable; try to keep your arms at your sides and avoid staring at the ground.
Practice open body language to appear more approachable. Try to not cross your arms across your chest, as that can make you look angry and closed off. Instead, keep your arms at your sides, if you can, and be conscious of your shoulders—keep them back and relaxed rather than hunched up around your ears. Looking up and forward also exudes confidence, as opposed to keeping your head down, which can make you look nervous and shy. Even if you don’t feel confident and are nervous about talking to others, try faking it with your body language—you may be surprised at how much your body language impacts your attitude.
Make eye contact to let the other person know you’re engaged. The main thing to remember is that you want your attention to be directed at the person, and not at your phone or anything else surrounding you. It’s okay if you glance away and break eye contact once in a while, but in general, try to watch the other person as much as you can. Definitely keep your phone put away when you’re talking to someone. Notifications, texts, and incoming calls will distract both you and the person you’re talking to. There’s a balance between not looking someone in the eye at all and staring them down and making them uncomfortable—try to nod, smile, and look away from time to time to look more natural.
Match your speaking volume to the setting to maintain privacy. If you’re speaking with a larger group of people, make sure your voice is loud enough to be heard by everybody. But if you’re in a more intimate setting, like a restaurant or a small party, keep your voice low enough so as to not distract others. For example, if you’re at a loud restaurant, rather than shouting to be heard and adding to the noise, lean in closer to your companion so you can hear each other better.
Practicing Reflective Listening
Pay attention to the other person’s body language to practice empathy. Watch out for signs that the other person is impatient or upset, like: tapping toes, frequent glancing away, crossed arms, checking their phone, scowling or grimacing, and fidgeting or repetitive movements. These things may mean that the other person wants to move on from the conversation, or perhaps they’re nervous or stressed out. If you’re concerned that the other person is upset or nervous, you could ask them, “Is everything okay? You seem a little fidgety.” If you think the other person wants to end the conversation, try saying something like, “I don’t want to keep you too long.”
Use “acknowledgement responses” to show you’re listening. Acknowledgement responses are brief statements or gestures that cue the other person to keep talking. Nonverbal gestures include nodding your head, cocking your head to the side, and furrowing your brow a little bit to show you’re concentrating. You can also try some of these verbal statements: Mm-hmm. Right. Yes. Keep in mind that if you intersperse these comments too frequently, it can be distracting for the speaker. A natural place to say them is when the other person pauses or perhaps looks at you for confirmation that you’re listening.
Reflect back what you understand the person to be thinking or feeling. This isn’t just mimicking back what the person said, but rather it’s taking the information and reframing it to show you understand what they’re talking about. Essentially, you want to empathize with the person’s feeling and show that you understand why they feel that way. For example, if a friend is telling you about a frustrating situation at work, you could respond by saying something like, “It sounds like that miscommunication was really difficult to respond to.”
Avoid interrupting the other person with similar stories of your own. If you have something to share, that’s perfectly fine—just make sure the other person is finished speaking before you begin. Interrupting others communicates that you aren’t really listening to them; rather, you’re just waiting for your turn to speak. If you find yourself interrupting others often, it’s okay to say something like, “I’m so sorry. I have such a bad habit of interrupting. Please, continue what you were saying.”
Overcoming Conversational Obstacles
Learn to be comfortable with pauses and silence. The tendency is normally to start chattering to fill up awkward silences, but the next time you’re faced with a long pause in a conversation, try to internally count to 5 and remind yourself that it’s okay if there is a lull in conversation—chances are, it’ll only last for 15 seconds or so and then you’ll move on. You can introduce a new topic of conversation if you want to, or you could just ride out the silence and see if anyone else has something to talk about. If the silence goes on for a while, it’s okay to excuse yourself to go to the restroom or to refresh your drink. The pause actually gives you a natural time to break away if you want to.
Discuss rather than debate to foster a positive atmosphere. Use conversations with others as a chance to learn and have fun. If someone says something you don’t agree with, try to learn more about why they think that way. And it’s okay to say you don’t agree, just try to be amiable and remember that the point of a discussion isn’t to change someone’s mind about something—it’s to get to know the person better. However, if someone says something that is disrespectful or hostile, it’s okay to end the conversation. You should avoid judging others and always aim to respect different points of view, but if the person is making you uncomfortable, try to draw someone else into the conversation with you or make an excuse to walk away.
Give the benefit of the doubt if someone makes a negative comment. For example, if someone is complaining about a situation, consider that perhaps they haven’t been able to talk about their feelings yet (everyone needs to vent sometimes), or if someone makes a comment you think is weird, try to remember that everyone is a little weird and you’ve probably said some odd things in conversation when you were nervous, too. For example, if you’re at a party and someone reveals a little too much information about their recent bout of the flu, remember that they may be nervous and chatting more to try and keep the conversation moving. Try to gloss over the situation and not point out that their overshare was weird by finding something you can relate to. For example, you could say something like, “Oh, I think my friend had the flu around the same time. What’s your favorite movie to watch when you’re sick?” This keeps the conversation moving in a positive direction. In general, try to focus conversations in a positive, forward-thinking way, and be respectful of others, even if you think they’re a little weird.
Stick to positive topics to keep the conversation from devolving. It’s definitely okay to talk about difficult things, but if you’re conversing with someone new or who you don’t know well yet, try to focus on talking about things that excite you or that you’re passionate about. Avoid over-sharing personal information with new acquaintances. If you want to talk about the intimate details of your relationship or something you’re struggling with personally, try to do that with a trusted, close friend instead.
Exit a conversation gracefully. Ending a conversation can be the hardest part of interacting with another person. Try practicing a few statements at home so you can pull them out when you need to. Try some of these different endings: “It was so nice getting to talk with you. I need to say hi to a few more people tonight still, but I hope you have a great rest of your evening.” “I need to start heading out, but I really enjoyed getting to know more about you. Could we exchange numbers and talk more again later?” “Thanks so much for talking with me tonight. I’m going to go stop at the restroom and say hi to a few other people, but hopefully I’ll see you around again soon!”
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