Avoiding the Person
Be alert. The best way to avoid someone, and the conversation they may want to have with you, is to be aware of when they are or might be around. Be aware of their schedule as well as of your surroundings. Pay attention to which routes they take, where they normally hang out, what times they leave and arrive. This way you will know what places to avoid and when. Pay attention to what is going on around you so that you spot them before they spot you.
Don’t engage them. If you happen to run into them, don’t give them the opportunity to start a conversation with you. If at all possible leave the area before the person sees you. If you can’t leave the area, then avoid a conversation with them by appearing very busy. Calmly, but briskly walk away. Avoid looking behind you because they could be trying to get your attention. Do not make eye contact. As soon as you see them, look away before they can make eye contact with you. Act naturally, but look at your watch, your phone, your computer, anything but them. If you are seen by the person, a smile and a small nod may allow you to continue on your way. Don’t break stride when you do it. Absorb yourself in some work, a phone call, or something that makes you seem far too busy to talk.
Beware of social media. Because so many people use social networking, where you are, what you are doing, and who you are with is almost public information. The person you are trying to avoid could use it as an easy way to contact you. If you are ‘checking-in’ everywhere you go or using a location tag on your posts, the person will know exactly where to find you. Also, don’t post pictures of where you are. Wait until later or even until the end of the week to post pictures of places you have been. Some apps and sites indicate when you are logged on allowing the person to know when to try to contact you. Responding to public posts or sharing posts of your own, but not responding to that person is a clear sign that you are avoiding them. If you don’t want them to take it personally, avoid a social media presence until you can stop avoiding them. You may even have the option to prevent certain people from seeing your posts depending on what social media site you are using. Consider unfriending or blocking them for a while. Although it may be extreme, if you are truly trying to avoid them and the conversation they want to have, you may need to do this. Blocking them will prevent them from finding you in a search, so they may believe that you are not currently on social media.
Limiting Your Interactions
Act decisively. Sometimes you can’t avoid the person. In order to limit the time you are around the person, you have to be prepared and act quickly. Know what you will say before you need to say it. Don’t hesitate or waver in what you are saying because it will allow the person an opening to extend the conversation. Have excuses ready. Always have somewhere you’re going or something important and time-sensitive you have to do in mind. For example, you could say, “It’s great to see you, but I have to finish that big report!” If you need to, tell the person directly that you don’t want to engage in conversation and let them know the reason why you don't want to engage with them. You might try saying, “I’m not trying to be rude. But I need some quiet time right now to think. Let’s talk later.”
Keep interactions brief. Limit your interactions with them by keeping them as short as possible. The less time you are around them, the less time they have to engage you in conversation. Keep your responses to one or two words and don’t bring up topics that may prompt lengthy answers. For example, if you see the person and they ask you how you are doing, keep walking while you smile and reply, “Well and busy!” Ask close-ended questions. Questions that require answers like ‘yes’ or ‘no’ keep a conversation short. Start talking again as soon as they give their answer so that they don’t have time to continue. For example, if you ask “How are you?” as soon as they respond “Fine” start telling them what a hurry you are in.
Use your body language. This is one indirect, but effective way to limit your interaction. It can help you avoid the person talking too long or about something you don’t want to discuss. Use your posture and mannerisms to indicate that the interaction will be brief. If possible, try to continue walking while you are talking to the person. If you see them coming towards you before they see you then pick up your pace as if you are in a hurry, then speed past with a quick smile and hello. If you can’t leave the area, try to look busy or engaged in something else. For example, continue looking at your electronic device or your watch as you talk to them. Turn your body slightly away from them. When you face someone or lean towards them, you seem more engaged in the conversation.
Comment and then exit. You can politely excuse yourself by commenting on something the person has said and then immediately saying you need to leave. Making a remark about them makes you seem interested in them and caring. It softens your exit. Using the word ‘need’ implies that you have no choice, which also makes your exit nicer. For example, you might say, “I hope your karaoke night goes well! I’ll have to hear more about it later, though. I need to get to my appointment.” Do this while acting genuinely friendly and regretful.
Controlling the Conversation
Set the tone. When you have no choice but to talk to the person, make sure you are in control by setting the tone for the conversation. Be the first person to speak and choose your words and how you say them carefully. You can use a tone that is friendly, bored, tired, or busy. Use which ever tone will help you control the conversation and avoid difficult subjects. For example, if you want a potentially hostile confrontation to be peaceful, then greet the person calmly but briefly. A simple, “Hello, how are you?” sets a neutral tone. Also, consider what time of day to have the conversation and what medium to use. For example, you might decide to have a phone conversation with the person during the day. Or, you might decide to send them an email. This will allow you to keep the conversation as brief as possible.
Choose the topics. You can control the conversation by thinking about what you are okay talking about, as well as what you want to avoid. Bring up the topics you choose and ask the person questions about them. When necessary, relate what they are saying to what you want to talk about. Try to ask open-ended questions that will keep the person talking about the topic longer. For example, instead of saying, “Do you like the car”, you might say, “How do you think this car compares to the other one?” If you want to only talk about work and they start talking about weekend plans, you could try saying, “Before I can think about the weekend, I have to finish the big report. What is your approach to the sales plan?” To maintain a business only relationship, smile to project warmth, but do not ask personal questions, such as how they are doing or what their plans are for the weekend. Keep your questions work related. You may also just need to say, “I don’t want to talk about that. Let’s talk about something else.”
Change the subject. One way to control the conversation is to subtly change the topic when it turns to something you don’t want to talk about. Have a few safe topics I mind before going into the conversation, such as sports, the weather, or how the person’s spouse or kids are doing. This way you can avoid the touchy topic. There are several ways to do this without the person even noticing what you are doing. If you notice they are getting close to a touchy topic, then excuse yourself briefly. When you return start talking about something else. For example, if you didn’t get your driver’s license and your friend is starting to talk about a cross-country trip, go to the restroom for a few minutes. When you return start talking about the weird graffiti you saw on the stall.
Make it a group discussion. Doing this will make it easier for you to avoid talking about anything you want to avoid. If the conversation turns toward a sticky topic, comment vaguely about it and then draw someone else into the conversation. The additional person will take some of the attention of off you. It will also keep the conversation from becoming too personal and it may give you the opportunity to escape! For example, if your girlfriend asks how you define cheating, you might say, “It could include a lot of different things.” And then turn to someone else and say, “Will you help me and my girlfriend out? What do you consider cheating?” This might not be a good if it’s your parents. They could team up against you and force you into the conversation you don’t want to have.
Tune them out. Sometimes you just can’t control the conversation no matter how you try. If you aren’t required to respond (for example, if it’s a co-worker just prattling on and on) then let your mind drift to more important or interesting topics. Remember to give a small nod or “mm-hmm” every now and then or the person will catch on that you aren’t really listening. Think about your to-do list or make a mental want-to-do list. Brainstorm ways to avoid being in this situation again. This won’t work if the conversation you want to avoid is one that regards some issue you and the other person need to work out of if they are angry with you. If you start to get irritated, take a few deep breaths and focus on relaxing your body to help calm yourself down.
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