9 Things to Ask Yourself before Getting Back with Your Ex

• Ask yourself if you can resolve the main issues that caused the breakup the last time.
• Talk to your ex about how they’ve changed and how the relationship would be different.
• Weigh the good times with the bad times when remembering how your relationship was previously.

Can you resolve your past issues?

Dealing with past issues is the best way to move forward. When you and your ex broke up the last time, there was probably a good reason for doing so. Ask yourself if you feel like those issues can be resolved, and then come up with ways for how, exactly, you would both work to do that. For instance, if you two broke up because you wanted to live in different states, getting back together might not be such a good idea (since that’s an unresolvable issue). But if you two broke up because of a lack of communication, then that’s something that can be worked on. Make sure you two both agree on why you broke up in the first place. If you both acknowledge past issues, you’re much more likely to be able to resolve them.

Have you given each other space?

Space and time are both integral to healing. When the breakup still feels fresh, it’s easy to get caught up in the idea of getting back together. There’s no specific timeline for how long you need to give each other, but make sure you’ve had a decent period of time away from your ex before you decide to date them again. Most experts agree that going no contact is a good way to start the healing process and move on.

Can you rebuild trust in the relationship?

Trust is the foundation of a successful relationship. Think about why you and your ex broke up and how you felt during the relationship. If your ex broke your trust in any way, what can they do to make it up to you? If you feel like you can’t move past their breach of trust, then it’s probably not a good idea to get back together. A lack of trust can come from many things, but most commonly, it stems from being cheated on. It is possible to heal a relationship after cheating, but it may take a lot of time and effort. If you both violated each other’s trust, then you’ll both need to practice radical honesty. It’s important to be totally open with each other so there’s no room to doubt that you’re both being truthful.

How has your ex changed?

Ask yourself if your ex is a different person or not. When you talk to your ex now, do they treat you differently than they did before? Have they corrected or changed behaviors that weren’t acceptable? If your ex has stayed the exact same, then your relationship will likely be the exact same, too. Try listing concrete things your ex has done to change while you two were broken up. Maybe they got a job, stopped hanging out with toxic friends, or went to therapy. If you can’t come up with any solid things your ex has done, then it’s probably not a good idea to get back together with them.

What’s different about the relationship this time?

Identify concrete ways in which your relationship will change. Just like figuring out how your ex is different, ask yourself how your relationship will be different, too. Will you fall into the same old patterns, or will you work on bettering yourselves? If you can’t think of any real ways that your dynamic will shift, then it might not be a good idea to get back together. On the flip side, if you both commit to spotting old habits and working on breaking them, then your relationship can be happy and healthy. For instance, maybe the relationship fell apart because you started living like roommates instead of like a couple. Will you both commit to planning dates and inserting more romance into the relationship?

Are you afraid of being single?

Ask yourself if you’re just tired of being alone. Sometimes, we try to reconnect with our ex because they’re familiar and we’re scared of being alone. There’s no shame in this, but it’s important to acknowledge to yourself. If you think that you might be seeking a relationship with your ex because you’re lonely or afraid, put all romantic relationships on pause and focus on yourself for a while. Getting back with your ex simply because you’re worried you won’t find another partner is not likely to go well. Unfortunately, you and your ex will probably fall back into the same patterns that caused the breakup in the first place, especially if you’re the one who broke up with them. Do some soul-searching by spending time by yourself. What do you like to do? What are your goals? What are you passionate about? Get comfortable with who you are before dating again.

Are you romanticizing your past relationship?

Weigh the bad times along with the good while making this decision. When you spend time away from your ex, it’s easy to view your relationship through rose-colored glasses. Make sure you’re not just yearning for the good times in the past. Every time you smile about a fun memory with your ex, compare it with a less-fun one to get the real picture of your relationship. This is especially common if your ex is the one who initiated the breakup. It’s easy to think fondly about the relationship when your feelings are hurt. If the good memories outweigh the bad memories, then that’s a sign that your relationship might just work out. But if you have a lot of bad memories and only a few happy ones, it’s a good idea to stay separated.

Can you ask your ex tough questions?

Make sure you and your ex can talk about what happened before. It’s easy to dive back into a relationship without talking about painful things, but that’s not likely to last. Make sure you feel prepared to talk to your ex about what happened before and how they can prevent it from happening again. Ask them questions like: “How have you changed since we broke up?” “What’s going to be different this time?” “How can I trust you again?”

Are you both willing to go to therapy?

A mental health professional can help you work through your issues. While it’s totally optional to seek professional help, getting couple’s counseling or one-on-one counseling can set your relationship up for success. Most experts agree that in order to make a relationship with an ex work, you both need to talk to a professional. Without a professional’s help, it’s very likely that you and your ex will fall into the same behavior patterns that you did before. A therapist will help examine your issues and come up with tools you can use to communicate better and work through problems. Don’t have time for in-person therapy? Try an online counseling service like BetterHelp.