I am a Babu and I have the best job in the world. It is unfortunate that people are attacking my highly important role, in a globally highly important country, just because we decided to exercise some basic privileges due to us, such as walking our Great Dane in a public stadium and kicking out some commoners engaged in training. What do these commoners think of themselves, I say? Is it a crime to walk one’s canine companion, given paper reading and paper signing are more important than some silly metallic trinket wrapped around your neck? Anyway, thankfully, I spoke to all the right people and have had both my colleagues posted to highly picturesque and beautiful holiday destinations that people normally pay an arm and a leg to go to. These filthy unwashed masses think we’re being punished. Yeah sure! I get more “hardship allowance” being posted to these picturesque hill stations than a jawan posted in Siachen.
Clearly, you see, I’m not actually being punished, but apparently the “impression has to be maintained”. Since 1947, at least, I am the prime minister, I am the president, I am the entire cabinet and all the gods and goddesses in heaven. I do, however, receive outside support from elected politicians who very strangely seem to be under the misperception that they run the government. Not to worry, we domesticate and house train them within a month of them winning some irrelevant, anachronistic joke called an “election”. Silly children! Heck! Unlike that stupid Great Dane that got my colleague into trouble, my house-trained politician protects me better than any Rottweiler, is more docile than any Golden Retriever and more obedient than any German Shepherd. There is no stronger bond than the one between a babu and a domesticated mantri.
Let’s actually see what I do and what my qualifications are, shall we? I am a generalist who writes just one very general exam in my entire life. The exam is not a test of my problem-solving ability — but rather a test of how well I can function as an iPhone speech-to-text transcriber. I hear you gasp with amazement “how does a single exam wonder get to control the lives of billions?”. Well honestly, I’ve convinced every prime minister since Independence that my single learn-by-rote exam is a higher qualification than all those pesky doctors who have to problem solve every day or those irritating engineers who design and build everyday? Now tell me who is smarter? Me or the doctor/engineer? Best part is I can screw up every single thing I do, literally every single day, and literally nobody can sack me. Heck, I can even do favours by simply not doing anything. #CorruptionMasqueradingAsIncompetence. You see, my genius doesn’t lie in comprehending a subject — my genius lies in comprehending the system.
I get a D1 flat of around 2000-3000 square feet with a lush garden in Chanakyapuri. Or, I could be in New Moti Bagh, with the added benefit of tennis courts, electricity backup, swimming pool and 24/7 security. Renting a space like that in Delhi would normally set you back by Rs 4-5 lakh a month at market prices. But hey! these are either really old flats or high rises without double-glazed windows and realistically I should get a hardship allowance just staying in one of them. Also even when I retire, I don’t actually retire. I use tax money to create lots of NGOs that provide me with post retirement jobs till I die. Fools don’t realise that post retirement I criticise my own pre-retirement actions and get paid for both. Why the hell do people even debate who’s the smartest of them all when they know the answer?
I am a Babu and a Babu is Brahma (creation) Vishnu (preservation) and Shiva (Destruction) all combined into one earthly manifestation. You better remember that and behave yourselves.
The writer is a senior fellow at the Institute of Peace and Conflict Studies. The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not represent the stand of this publication.
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