"Say What You Mean and Mean What You Say": What It Means & How to Use It

“Say What You Mean and Mean What You Say” Explained

It means to be honest about what you think—even if it offends someone. People who “say what they mean and mean what they say” are forthright, open, and honest, even if it means they aren’t always popular. They can be trusted to speak up and say how they really feel in a given situation. “Say what you mean and mean what you say” may also mean to follow through on the things you say you’ll do, and to not make empty promises. Essentially, the adage means to walk the talk and speak your mind.

Why is it so difficult to say what you mean and mean what you say?

You may be conflict-avoidant. Saying what you mean can be scary if “what you mean” might offend someone else. Most of us don’t want to hurt other people’s feelings or seem like “the bad guy,” but it’s impossible to go through life without offending someone occasionally or offering up unpleasant truths. Still, many of us will go out of our way to avoid speaking the truth when it’s negative. Not wanting to hurt others is a good quality, but it's not realistic, and it also leads to the assumption that it's somehow kind not to be upfront with others about unpleasant truths they should be aware of. In the end, even if it's hard to be honest, it's usually the best policy for everyone.

You weren't taught open communication skills. We aren’t born knowing how to share our thoughts clearly, directly, and respectfully. If your parents, teachers, and other adult role models were unable to communicate their feelings openly, it’s to be expected you might not, either. We learn from the role models we have, but since open and honest (but respectful) communication isn't prevalent in our society, you may not have had anyone to model it for you.

You were discouraged from speaking your mind growing up. Even if you wanted to share your feelings as a child, if your parents or teachers or other adults discouraged “negative” talk or “talking back,” you might have learned not to share negative feedback ever, or that negative feedback needs to be shared passive-aggressively. Our society values niceness and politeness, often at the expense of speaking out against something wrong or sharing what's really going on in our minds. If you were discouraged from sharing negative feelings or critical opinions growing up and led to believe sharing such ideas was impolite, you might still struggle to be open and forthright as an adult.

How to Say What You Mean and Mean What You Say

Consider your purpose for speaking out and use it to guide what you say. When delivering negative feedback or saying something that might offend the listener, what is your desired outcome? Do you hope that they’ll change their behavior, learn something new, stop hurting themselves or others? Understanding ourselves what your goal is in saying what you want to say can help you decide if it’s worth saying, as well as how to frame your comment so that the listener will take it to heart. For instance, if you notice someone in your social circle seems to talk over others a lot, you might take them aside and say, “I noticed you have a bit of a habit of talking over other people sometimes. I just wanted to let you know in case you weren’t aware, so that in the future everyone feels like they get a chance to talk.”

Check in to see if now is the time to offer feedback. Sometimes, the person you want to confront isn’t open to feedback, or would rather wait until a different time to receive feedback. Ask before offering your opinion on something or getting into a heavy discussion if it’s a potentially sensitive or stressful situation. For example, if your friend has been stressing out about a big class presentation, and you want to talk about something insensitive she said to you, ask, “Is now an OK time to talk about what happened earlier? I know you’ve got a lot going on, so we can set it aside for now.”

Be as objective as you can, and stick to the facts. When offering tough-to-swallow feedback or a harsh truth, try to be…well, truthful! Stick to what really happened, without embellishing anything. And avoid getting lost in judgmental language like “good” or “bad,” which can make the listener shut down. If you’re confronting somebody over their behavior, rather than accusing them of doing something wrong or being a bad person, try something like, “I think you could have done this differently.”

Root what you say in your own feelings and perspective. Even as you focus on the facts, you likely still have personal feelings and thoughts about what you’re discussing, so don’t feel like you can’t express how the situation makes you feel. Just make sure to root what you say in your personal perspective, rather than presenting it as fact, and maintain ownership of your emotions and opinions. A good rule of thumb is to use “I” statements when sharing your thoughts and feelings: “I think it was a little harsh, what you said to Marc.”

Consider the other person’s perspective, but don't take responsibility for their feelings. While you want to make sure to express yourself as kindly and respectfully as you can, and be sure to take the other person’s feelings and opinions into account, avoid accepting accountability for their emotions. Be responsible for what you say and how you say it—but not how it’s received. As the saying goes, “Honesty without compassion is cruelty; kindness without honesty is manipulation.” While communicating honestly is an invaluable skill, it's just as valuable and necessary to be kind while you do it, and to consider the feelings of the listener.

Try to be gracious if the other person lacks open communication skills. Remember, communication is a skill—and it’s one many people never had a chance to develop. Even if you're as respectful and nonjudgmental as possible, some people may still hear any negative feedback as inappropriate and insulting. If the person you’re speaking with doesn’t respond as tactfully to you as you’ve been towards them, try to be gracious about it. Who knows? Maybe your behavior will rub off. If you suspect the person you’re confronting won’t take what you say well, try to prepare for it going in. If they respond unkindly, yell, insult you, or walk away, how can you stay calm? Try to come to the exchange with some relaxation tips in your back pocket. For instance, you might plan to perform a deep breathing exercise if things get heated: breathe in through your nose for 4 counts, hold for 7 counts, and then breathe out through your mouth for 8 counts.