Reacting in the Moment
Take a few seconds to think before responding. If you go with your gut reaction here instead of thinking things through, you might end up blurting out something harsh that makes things worse. Waiting even just two or three seconds can give you enough time to replace your immediate emotional response with a better alternative. Take a breath to center yourself, then begin talking once you’re more calm and focused. In truth, this is a good strategy to use all the time. Definitely don’t interrupt them as soon as you hear something hurtful like “you’re so negative.” Instead, let them finish while you manage two tasks at once—listening to what they have to say while also beginning to formulate your response.
Ask politely but assertively for clarification. At the very least, this strategy buys you more time to come up with your actual response. Better yet, it puts the onus on the other person to restate what they’ve just said—which may lead them to dial back on the harshness of their original statement. “I’m not sure I follow you. Can you explain what you mean by calling me negative?” “I see. In what ways do you find me to be negative?”
Agree in part, but not completely, with the statement. This technique can be helpful in defusing an awkward situation. By agreeing in part with what the person has said, you validate them to a degree. But, at the same time, you validate your own perspective by refusing to agree with all of what they said. This can lead to a deeper conversation on the subject or, perhaps more likely, the subject being dropped. You might say: “It’s true, I do tend to point out the potential downsides when making difficult decisions.” Or: “I’ll admit that I was feeling pretty negative when I got fired and my dog ran away on the same day.” Note that, in each of the examples above, you’re admitting to negativity while denying that it’s an unreasonable or overwhelming part of who you are.
Refute the comment calmly, clearly, and succinctly. If you’re sure that the other person’s assertion is way off base, it’s okay to tell them so! Just be sure to do it in a controlled fashion instead of blurting out an emotional response. You also don’t need to go into a long discourse here—just let them know that you strongly disagree and put it on them to decide what (if anything) to say next. “No, I’m not a negative person. I’m a reasonable person based on the situation I’m in.” “I disagree. I have a positive attitude about a lot of things.”
Take the edge off of the comment with a witty reply. Don’t reply with a “burn”—an insult that will probably just set off a unhelpful tit-for-tat contest. Instead, aim for a slight jab that’s more likely to make the other person laugh than to feel like they have to say something hurtful. “Well, I’m positive you don’t have a future as a motivational speaker.” “Yeah, I was feeling really positive until about 30 seconds ago. I don’t know what could have caused that…do you?”
Use your wit to smoothly change the subject. Going the direct route—"Can we change the subject?"—may annoy the other person and make them more determined to stick to the current subject. If you’d really prefer to just move on to something else, a witty comment may be just what you need to shift the topic of conversation. “Better than being nougat-ive, I guess! Actually I like candy bars with nougat in them…but what is nougat anyway?” “Ever notice how ‘negative’ is a good thing medically? That was a plot point from a ‘Seinfeld’ episode…let me see if I can remember which one.”
Thank them for sharing their opinion and move on. This is essentially the polite way of saying nothing at all. Be quick and to the point, using a direct but not unpleasant tone, and leave it at that. “Thank you for letting me know how you feel.” “Thanks for the feedback. I appreciate your honesty.”
Ignore the comment and forget about it. Sometimes the best response is no response. Saying nothing makes it clear that you disagree with the other person’s assessment but also don’t care to delve into it any further. From there, it’s up to you whether you want to actually forget about it or just pretend to forget about it. It’s natural to react to feedback—even negative feedback—by using it as motivation to improve. But it’s also natural to ignore it so you can avoid feeling bad. That means it’s okay if you just don’t feel like trying to learn from the experience this time!
Learning from the Experience
Look for elements of truth in what the person said. It’s fine for you to disagree with their claim that you’re a negative person. But it’s also worth wondering whether they called you negative because there’s at least a tiny kernel of truth to it. So, when you have some time to yourself after the interaction, figure out where you’d place yourself on a negativity/positivity scale. Some signs of negativity you might look for include, for example, frequently complaining, speaking poorly about others, pointing out the worst-case scenario all the time, and shooting down others’ ideas. You might choose to draw out an actual scale, with “negative person” at zero and “positive person” at ten. From there, you might decide you’re something like a six on the scale. Or, if you don’t want to take this task quite so literally, just give some honest thought to whether you can be more negative than expected sometimes. The good news: whether you grade yourself as “very negative,” “slightly negative sometimes,” or “mostly positive,” there are ways to increase your positivity!
Identify any longstanding or recent causes of your negativity. Sometimes there are immediate, personal reasons why you’re feeling negative—your girlfriend broke up with you, you flunked a big test, etc. Or you might be dealing with a physical ailment, an emotional health issue like anxiety or depression, or a large-scale trigger—such as living through a global pandemic. The sources might even stretch all the way back to your childhood experiences. Identifying the sources of your negative feelings is an important step toward managing them. It also helps you understand that you are a “person who has negative feelings,” not a “negative person.” If you’re having trouble identifying the sources of your negative feelings, talk to someone you trust and ask for their help in evaluating your situation.
Work on the sources of negativity in your life. Once you’ve identified them, you’ll realize that some sources of negativity can be eliminated, some can be reduced, some can be managed, and some just have to be accepted. It might help for you to write out your plan for dealing with your negativity triggers. You might plan, for instance, to do the following: Look for a new job to get out of a toxic work environment. Cut back on contact with an extremely negative family member. Adjust your daily schedule to help keep your stress in check. Talk to a professional counselor about your feelings of negativity.
Confront your negative feelings whenever they show up. Try to figure out if your inner critic or inner advocate is speaking. One good way to do this is to externalize your negativity by giving it a separate identity, such as “Negative Nancy” (or “Negative Norman”). Then, when you experience negativity, blame it on this external source: “Norman, there you go again. Why are you always telling me I can't succeed?” You might also try the following: Focusing on the facts. Imagine yourself as an old-time TV detective who’s looking for “just the facts.” If the facts aren’t there, tell yourself to cast aside the negativity. Breathing it out. When the negative feelings well up inside you, breathe in slowly to a count of four, hold in the breath to a count of four, and slowly breathe out to a count of six (the “4-4-6 method”). Repeat as needed. Practicing self-care. Engaging in stress-busting activities and making healthy diet, exercise, and sleep choices can really help reduce your negative feelings. Journaling. Create a safe space where you can release some of your negative energy. Practicing gratitude. Say 5 different things that you're grateful for each day.
Evaluate your relationship with the person who called you negative. Even if there was some truth to what they said and you learned something from it, it may be in your best interest to reduce your contact with them. For instance, if they’re constantly calling you negative or regularly mix in other hurtful comments, you’ll likely benefit from cutting back or even eliminating your time around them. If, however, they’re clearly someone who has your best interests at heart and made an honest mistake by being a little too harsh with their truth-telling, don’t rush to cut them out of your life. For example, if your boyfriend blurted out “You’re such a negative person” when he really wanted to say “I wish you could find ways to be more positive about things,” consider cutting him some slack. But, if he’s always harping on how negative and annoying you are, strongly consider finding a new boyfriend!
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