Taking Time To Heal
Take a length of time. How much time you need after a divorce will vary greatly from person to person, but most experts suggest taking time for yourself to heal and recover before you begin dating again. Wait until you feel stable with your home and family life before you try to date again. Some signs that you might have taken a reasonable about of time include feeling comfortable in the routine you have established for yourself and your kids, and not feeling a sense of longing for your past relationship on a daily basis. However, keep in mind that the grief you experience after the loss of a relationship is different for everyone. There is no set amount of time it will take for you to recover. It may take weeks, months, or years, all of which are fine. Consider joining a divorce support group as a way to connect with other people navigating this process. Putting yourself out there too soon could cause a bad experience and make you reconsider dating, in general. Take the time you need to get right with yourself first.
Stop blaming yourself. It’s common to feel a sense of guilt after a divorce, with thoughts that you are hurting your family by separating. Regardless of validity, these thoughts are natural, but they can also be toxic to a new relationship and your self-esteem. A good sign that you are ready to start dating again is that you’ve given up guilt surrounding ending your last relationship. When you feel a sense of guilt, remind yourself of the reasons you ended your marriage and evaluate why they were in the best interest of you and your family. Make this list of reasons when you are in an upbeat mood rather than when you are feeling down, and be sure to review the list often. Give yourself gentle reminders every day that there is nothing to feel guilty about until you genuinely stop feeling the need to blame yourself. Remind yourself that you are doing the best you can.
Clear out thoughts of your ex. If you still regularly think about your ex or have become preoccupied with how they might be spending their time, your mind is not open for the experience of a new relationship. Wait until you can move on from consuming thoughts of your ex to develop a new relationship. You may also want to consider professional counseling to help you work through these thoughts. You likely would not want to date someone who was emotionally unavailable and preoccupied with someone else. Offer others the same respect and make sure you’re not caught up on your ex before you start dating.
Opening Up to the Experience
Get excited to go out. After a divorce, it is natural to want to take some time and focus on your home life. It can be hard to start dating again from home, though. Try going out to dinner or a movie with friends or family to get comfortable being social again before you start dating. You may also want to try taking yourself on self-care dates, where you do something you enjoy on your own. This could be anything from seeing a movie to taking a dance or photography class, or anything else that makes you happy. When going out and being social in general terms feels more comfortable, it may be a sign that you are better equipped to start dating.
Consider your motivation. Open yourself up to the idea that there are a number of different relationship styles, and think about what you want as you start dating. Do you want a casual relationship, someone for long-term companionship, someone to try to build a new family with, or something else? Your dating goals may change over time. This is common and in no way a bad thing. Knowing what you want now is still important, though, as it will help you determine who you are and are not ready to be with.
Decide if you can handle a bad date. It’s a simple fact of life that some dates are going to go poorly. That doesn’t mean all dates will be bad, but if you are not in a place mentally or emotionally where you feel you can recover from a bad date, listen to your instincts. Ask yourself, “Would one bad date ruin dating as a whole for me?” Be honest with your answer. There is no right or wrong, and it is better to wait until you can handle the experience than to force yourself into something too soon.
Preparing to Meet Someone
Think of things to talk about. It’s ok to let a date know that you are divorced, but your entire conversation should not hinge on your past relationship. Think about what you could talk about with a date, including things like your children, your work, and your hobbies. If you do not think that you can reasonably get through a date without divulging all the details of your previous marriage, then you may need some more time to heal. Practice making small chat with friends and family, and have them help coach you if you think you need it.
Put your best foot forward. Your relationship with yourself does a lot to dictate other’s relationship with you. Consider whether you are not only able but excited to dress up, talk about all your good qualities, and make a good general first impression. If your self-esteem is not totally in place yet, that is completely understandable. Take the time you need to build a good relationship. If you need to, try working with a professional such as a therapist to help you recover your relationship with yourself before you start dating again. There are a number of practices that specialize in helping divorced individuals do just that.
Listen to your instincts. You don’t owe anyone anything, including a date. Listen to your gut. If you feel that you are ready to meet someone new, put yourself out there. If you don’t think you’re there yet, it is in your own best interest to wait. Starting to date again will likely be somewhat intimidating regardless of when you do it. But only you know when the idea goes from truly frightening to frightening but exciting. Keep in mind that some of your well-meaning family and friends will encourage you to date before you are ready, but don’t put yourself on anyone else’s calendar. You will know best when you are ready.
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