Talking to Your Friend about Drug Use
Pay attention to your suspicions. If you suspect that your friend is using drugs, even in small doses, it’s important that someone intervenes early. This can prevent things from getting worse and turning into a full addiction. If she is already addicted, then she already needs even more extensive help.
Prepare a list of problems that the drug use is causing. Before having a discussion with your friend, it’s a good idea to write down all of the problems that are associated with her drug use. Creating this list allows you to be able to stay focused during the conversation. However, be sure to keep the list as concrete as possible. For example, it’s better to write down, “You damaged the car when you were driving under the influence” than it is to write, “You’re so irresponsible when you’re high.”
Select a private place to talk. Make sure that the place that you select is free of distractions and will respect her privacy. Inviting them to eat out at a quiet restaurant is probably better than trying to have the discussion in the middle of a party. Also, you may want to try to talk to their in a place other than her home so that they cannot engage in distracting activities in an effort to avoid the conversation. Only begin the conversation when your friend is sober. If you try to talk to them when they are under the influence, will not be able to have a coherent conversation. Your friend may become defensive when you first approach them about your concerns. Avoid accusations or arguments. Stick to the facts and remind yourself to stay calm. If they tries to shift the conversation to you, you can respond by saying something like, “I know that you don’t agree with everything that I do and I will be happy to talk about those things with you later. Right now though, I’m really concerned about your safety.”
Tell your friend that you are concerned about their drug use. Of course, this is much easier said than done, however having this conversation is very important. Be sure to bring up the topic in a nonjudgmental way. Always begin the conversation by letting your friend know that you are concerned about them. You want them to know that you are genuinely concerned for their well-being. Use statements that are respectful but also clearly communicate your concern. For example, you could say, “Alex, I’m here right now because I’m worried about you.” You might also say “Charlie, I’m concerned that you’re smoking marijuana. You’re important to me and I’m concerned about the impact that your smoking is having on your life…” Avoid critical and judgmental statements like “I’m so disgusted with you, Alex.”
Identify the negative consequences. Focus on concrete and nonjudgmental statements that reflect your experiences with her behavior. Don’t discuss what other people may feel or have said because that is often unproductive. Also, avoid making generalizations such as “Everyone thinks that you have a problem.” Stick to the facts as you have experienced them. Use statements that your friend cannot dispute. For example, you might say, “You left the party with two people that you did not know yesterday. I am very concerned for your safety.” Always distinguish between your friend as a person and their behavior. Focus on what behaviors your friend is engaging in and not on her as a person. Avoid statements like, “You’re so irresponsible” or “You’re such a bad influence for your children.” Emphasize the difference between their sober behavior and behavior that occurs when they are not sober. For example, you could say “You are always so adventurous and I love that about you. But when you use drugs, you often do very risky and dangerous things.”
Give your friend information. Your friend may not see drugs as a bad thing, so sharing scientific information may help open their eyes. Once your friend is aware of how much drugs affect their brain, body, life, and relationships, they may be more inclined to stop using on their own. You should do research on drugs before talking to your friend so that you have the scientific information available during the conversation. Do not accuse or berate your friend. Just share the information in a respectful way. For example, you could say, “Did you know that mollies can cause you to have a seizure? It can also cause your heart to beat abnormally.”
Encourage your friend to seek treatment. Advise them to talk to a professional or give them some literature to read. Let them know that you’d be willing to go with them to an appointment or you can volunteer to accompany them to visit treatment facilities. If your friend knows that she has your support, she may be more open to treatment. Even if your friend is reluctant to seek treatment, you can still research treatment options for her. If you find a treatment facility that appeals to her, she may be more likely to consider treatment. Confide in a trusted adult if your friend is not an adult and she continues to abuse drugs. Keep in mind that your friend may be angry with you or even feel betrayed by you for a while. However, getting an adult involved is the best way to help her. Eventually she will come back around and understand that you had her best interest at heart. Remind yourself that an addiction is a disease of the brain that usually requires treatment for the person to heal. Just like your friend would need to see a doctor if she was suffering from a physical disease, she will need a professional to help her heal from an addiction. Viewing an addiction as a disease that needs treatment may motivate you to seek help from a trusted adult.
Offer support for your friend. Knowing exactly how to offer support her can be a little tricky because your friend may not want to hear what you have to say. The drugs are likely impacting her mind and she may have fallen in with a rough circle of friends. However, here are some ways that you can support your friend: Listen to your friend. If she confides in you, be sure to listen in a nonjudgmental way. It’s probably hard for your friend to open up about her drug use. If your friend is a teenager, encourage your friend to get help from a trusted adult such as a parent, teacher, relative, counselor, clergyman, or coach. When she is ready, help her to find a support group or a substance abuse counselor in the local area.
Conducting an Intervention
Create the intervention team. The team should include four to six people that your friend likes, loves, admires, respects, or depends upon. Each person involved should be genuinely concerned about your friend and should be willing to look her in the eye to tell her that she needs help. It won’t be an easy process, so the team has to be strong and committed to helping her. Try to include a mental health professional or addiction specialist as a part of the team. A professional can help the team stay focused on facts and solutions verses emotional responses that are not always helpful. Keep in mind that having a professional on the team is vital if your friend has any of the following conditions: A history of violence A history of mental illness A history of suicidal behavior or she has recently talked about suicide A history of taking several mood-altering drugs or substances
Develop the plan. Be sure to have a specific plan already in place before the intervention is conducted. Spend time researching the specific addiction so that you can familiarize yourself with the types of treatment that generally work for those individuals. This is important because the type of treatment will vary depending upon the specific drug and level of addiction. Keep in mind that more severe addictions may require hospitalization or admittance into an inpatient treatment facility. However, whether inpatient or outpatient treatment is necessary, a specific treatment program that can be immediately available to your friend should be identified before the intervention is held. Here are some examples of resources that can be used: Local clinics National organizations that offer treatment programs Local mental health providers Narcotics Anonymous, Alcohol Anonymous, Meth Anonymous, and other similar programs If travel is required, be sure that the arrangements are in place before the intervention occurs.
Decide on the consequences in advance. Each person on the team has to decide what the individual consequence will be if your friend refuses to get treatment. This often results in some tough decisions and usually includes breaking contact for a period of time. Be prepared to inform your friend that you will not have any more contact with her until she agrees to go to treatment. Remember, it’s tough love but is for her ultimate good.
Conduct the meeting. The team is responsible for setting the date, place and time of the intervention. Try to choose a time when your friend is least likely to be under the influence. Each member of the team should come to the meeting prepared with a rehearsed message. The focus is only on helping your friend get treatment. Do not be confrontational during the intervention. Your friend should be treated with respect during the entire meeting. It might be helpful to have a rehearsal meeting before having the actual intervention. Your rehearsed message should include specific incidents when the addiction has caused problematic behaviors. Make sure that your message is worded in a way that expresses concern for your friend. For example, you could begin by saying, “It upsets me when you use drugs. Just last week…” Be sure that you stick to the rehearsed script. Any deters can quickly result in the intervention going off course. You can make notes to bring in the session if necessary.
Ask for an immediate decision. Inform your friend of the treatment plan and require her to give you an immediate answer. The team shouldn’t give your friend a few days to think about whether or not she wants to accept the treatment offer. Allowing her additional time just reinforces her denial of the problem. Worse, she may go into hiding or participate in a dangerous binge. Require her to give you an immediate answer and be prepared to take her to treatment immediately if she agrees to the plan. Anticipate your friend’s objections in advance. This way the team can come with prepared responses to her potential objections to treatment. Not all interventions are successful so emotionally prepare yourself for the possibility of a failed intervention. However, if your friend refuses the plan you should be prepared to follow through on the consequences that you have already identified.
Follow-up with your friend after the intervention. Once your friend has agreed to the plan, be sure to continue to provide support for her This might include agreeing to go to counseling sessions with her. It could also mean helping her to change the rituals that supported her addiction. Consider what you can do to support your friend throughout her recovery and offer that support.
Supporting Sobriety
Tell your friend that you support her. Don’t take for granted that your friend already knows that you are there for her. Tell her that you are proud of her accomplishment; after all, it takes a lot of hard work to become sober again. Let her know how much you enjoy being around your newly sober friend. Be sure to be a good listener. Your friend may find it difficult to live a sober lifestyle, especially during the first year of recovery. Just being a listening ear can be a big support for your friend. Withhold judgment when talking to your friend. The last thing your friend needs is a sermon about how bad her past mistakes were and how it messed up her life.
Help your friend find a support group. Do an internet search with your friend to look up local support groups. Most people in recovery benefit from being a part of a support group after they finish treatment. A support group can help prevent relapse. Spending time around other people who are in recovery, in a healthy and supportive environment, can help your friend reintegrate back into her normal routine. Some great support groups include: Alcohol Anonymous Crystal Meth Anonymous Narcotics Anonymous Cocaine Anonymous Marijuana Anonymous You can also get referrals from a physician, friend, or social service organization.
Join in new healthy habits with your friend. Your friend will need to create new behaviors and activities that will replace the old habits. You can show your friend your support of her new healthier lifestyle by joining in the activities with her. Some new activities could include: Volunteering A new exercise regimen Taking classes Starting a new hobby
Keep environments substance free. Make sure that the places that you go with your friend are substance free. It’s very important that you model substance free living to your friend. Do not drink in her presence and try to avoid restaurants and other places that have open bars. If your friend is coming over to your house, discard any liquor or lock them in a place where it is not obvious to your friend. Being around substances, especially in the first year of recovery, can cause your friend to relapse. You should always avoid environments where substances are readily available. Even celebrations should be substance free. If you are in a restaurant with a bar, ask to be seated far away from the bar. You should never visit your friend when you are under the influence of alcohol any drugs yourself.
Help your friend create more productive coping strategies. People in recovery are more susceptible to stress than others. Stress can come from any area of her life including relationship, family, financial, work or health. Share with your friend some things that she can do to help her better cope with life stressors. Here are some examples of strategies that may help: Journaling Deep breathing Exercising Meditating
Be attentive to warning signs. Don’t wait until a full fledge relapse occurs before assisting your friend. Know the signs of potential relapse and intervene quickly. Here are some warning signs that relapse may have occurred or may soon happen: Your friend is beginning to skip support meetings. She is spending time with old friends who are still using drugs. She is using other types of drugs. For instance, if your friend was in treatment for cocaine use and is now using alcohol, this is a red flag. You’re friend begins to say things like, “It’s okay to do it just this one time.” You’re friend suddenly starts exhibiting withdrawal symptoms.
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