How to Get Along with Your Mother in Law

• Be in a positive headspace before seeing your in-law and put your best foot forward. Common courtesy and politeness can win her over.
• Show genuine interest in her. Ask questions, seek her advice, compliment her, and offer help whenever possible.
• Set boundaries with your spouse's help. Compromise with your in-law where possible and respect her priorities, but always hold true to your values.

Always be polite to her.

Good manners will set the tone for a positive relationship. It's important to treat your mother-in-law with consideration as a member of the family. Be consistent with your politeness, and make an effort even if you're having a bad day or don't feel like spending time with her. Impress her with your etiquette, too, like saying "please" and "thank you" regularly. Try not to criticize her in front of your spouse openly. It's okay to have an honest talk about your feelings when she's not around, but don't put your spouse on the spot. If you live with your mother-in-law, make an effort to interact positively, even if you disagree or aren't getting along. Ask your spouse to speak to her on your behalf if needed.

Get to know each other.

You'll get along better if you show genuine interest in learning about her. Take some time to ask your mother-in-law questions about her life. Show an interest in who she is and what she does. Ask her about her favorite activities, her passions, and things she finds interesting. People usually jump at the chance to talk about themselves, and you'll feel more connected to her as you get to know her. For example, you could ask, "What's your favorite weekend pastime?" or "What shows have you been watching lately? I love game shows!" Ask her about your spouse's childhood. She may have endearing or funny stories and photos to share, and she'll appreciate your interest. If you're unsure what to ask her about, talk to your spouse. They can give you some helpful talking points and even identify some interests you share with her.

Ask for her advice.

Asking for advice shows her that you value her opinion and perspective. Consult your mother-in-law if you're looking for feedback, a recommendation, or just curious about her opinion. It's flattering to be asked for advice! She'll feel appreciated knowing that her thoughts and ideas actually matter to you. For example: "Do you have any good book recommendations? I know you love to read!" "We're thinking of inviting the whole family to a nice dinner somewhere. Do you know any restaurants that everyone would like?" "Life has been a little crazy lately. What was it like for you, balancing work and raising kids?"

Give her compliments.

Make her feel appreciated with a heartfelt compliment. Give specific, genuine compliments that highlight something you admire about your mother-in-law. Compliments can make someone feel good and improve their mood, making them want to be around you. When you give your mother-in-law compliments, you can also strengthen the bond between you. You could say, "Dinner was delicious. You're an amazing cook! And you've always got a recipe for any occasion." "You're such a caring and thoughtful grandmother to my kids. They think the world of you, and so do I." "You have so much creativity. This painting you did is so vibrant and lifelike! I really admire your skill."

Offer practical help.

She'll appreciate a relative who wants to be involved with the family. Ask your mother-in-law if she'd like a helping hand when you notice her doing some chores, taking on a project, or doing something nice for the family. Take any opportunity to be helpful and supportive of her efforts. Let her know you're happy to help with anything, and she can always give you a call if she needs something. For example, you could say, "Can I give you a hand with those grocery bags?" or "Let me know if you'd like an extra helper to make dinner on Friday. I'm here if you need me." Bring her a thoughtful gift every now and again, too. You don't have to shower her with expensive things; it could be a bouquet of her favorite flowers or a homemade sweet treat.

Acknowledge the good things she does.

Focusing on her positive qualities will help you appreciate her more. Look for the good things she does and not just the bad. Think about the positive ways she adds to your life, your partner's life, and even your kids' lives (if you have them). When she does something thoughtful or helpful, be sure to thank her earnestly and let you know you see her dedication and love for your family. If she cleans the house or washes the dishes despite you reassuring her that she doesn't have to, thank her for her contribution. If she buys you and your family things, say, "That was thoughtful of you! Thank you for thinking of us." Assume she has good intentions. If your mother-in-law gives you unsolicited advice, it's easy to assume she's controlling. Instead, consider that she doesn't know how her advice sounds; she's just giving it because she cares.

Respect her beliefs and priorities.

Your respect for her will encourage her to respect you back. Even if you disagree with her, actively listen to your mother-in-law. Don't immediately write off what she has to say; hear her out and tell her you respect her point of view. Be sure to respect her priorities, too, by doing things her way (sometimes) to keep the peace and make her happy. It's important to respect her priorities, even if you don't share them. If she doesn't like shoes worn in her home (but you don't mind them), remove your shoes when visiting her anyway. It's not a hassle, and she'll appreciate it. Avoid pointless arguing. If you know your political views are different, why have the same argument repeatedly? Agree to disagree and try to move on. If you respect each other, you'll get along even when your opinions clash.

Set boundaries with her.

Enforcing boundaries can help you feel more at ease around her. Define what behaviors and interactions you're comfortable with and what you're not. When defining and establishing boundaries always be respectful and convey your message with a peaceful and calm voice. Is it okay if she tends to visit without asking or letting you know first? Can you accommodate her if she calls you during work hours and expects your full attention? Figure out what you need, then politely explain your boundaries to her. For example, you could say, "I really appreciate that you want to spend more time together, but I prefer having advance notice so I can get ready. Can you call before coming over?" "I enjoy chatting with you, but I could get in trouble if I'm distracted during work hours. Let's set a time each week so we can talk on the phone without any scheduling conflicts!" Give her a chance to adjust to the new boundaries. Acknowledge that she may struggle with her changing role in your spouse's life. She could be worrying about that relationship and need some reassurance. You might have to remind your in Laws of these boundaries from time to time.

Be a united front with your spouse.

Boundaries are more effective when your spouse enforces them too. When speaking to your mother-in-law, particularly to define boundaries, do it with your spouse. Talk to your spouse beforehand, so you're on the same page, and show your mother-in-law that the two of you are a united front. Having your spouse there can make you feel supported, and your in-law is more likely to listen. Telling your spouse how you feel is vital; if they don't know, they might unintentionally put you in situations you'd rather not be in. Brainstorm solutions and boundaries with them before talking to your mother-in-law.

Use clear communication to navigate conflict.

Resolve any issues directly instead of letting them linger between you. If your mother-in-law crosses a boundary despite your wishes or behaves rudely, gently and constructively tell her how you feel. Being pleasant and well-mannered doesn’t mean you have to deal with negative interactions—it just means you can keep your cool and respond thoughtfully rather than sinking to her level. For example, you could say, “I specifically asked you to call me before coming over. Surprise visits really catch me off-guard, and I like to feel organized. From now on, would you please call a day in advance?” If she says something you disagree with, respond neutrally instead of ignoring her. Say, "Okay, I'll consider that," or, "Thanks for your input." You can respect her opinion without letting her dictate your actions. If your mother-in-law resists your boundaries, invite your spouse to talk to her one-on-one. Ask for help but make it clear you won't make them choose between you and your mother-in-law.

Get in a positive mindset before you see her.

Interactions are easier when you approach them with a positive outlook. Sometimes the easiest way to get along with someone is just to put on a friendly face. Do a bit of positive self-talk before you see your in-law to get in a better headspace. Stay hopeful and go into each encounter with an open mind. Don't assume things will go wrong; there's always a chance for happy interactions. If you're driving to her house, smile to yourself and think of nice things to talk about. Once you see her, give her a warm hello and show her genuine affection. Use humor to put everyone at ease and deflect any awkwardness. A good-natured joke can make the situation feel less tense. For example, if your mother-in-law complains about hot temperatures, reply with, "Well, at least it means we don't have to sit indoors grumbling about how cold it is!"

Let her indulge her grandkids.

"Grandparent privileges" enable her to bond with your kids her way. If you have children, you might notice she spoils them more than you would. Even if you're not crazy about her methods, remind yourself that it's important for your kids to have a relationship with their grandmother, which won't affect their health in the long run. Don't worry about those situations; just let them be. If you pick your kids up from grandma's house and they're wired from a sugary dessert, remember that this doesn't happen daily. Let your mother-in-law spoil your kids a little! If her privileges get out of hand (with extravagant gifts, for example), gently talk to her. Let her know she can dial it back, and the kids will still be happy. You could say, “Thank you for giving the kids so many toys! I appreciate your thinking of them, but we’re running out of space at home. Could we save gift-giving for holidays and special occasions?”

Be yourself around her.

Confidence and sincerity will bring you closer together. Be authentic around her. Not only does being genuine make you seem more trustworthy in your mother-in-law's eyes, but it also helps you feel more comfortable around her. It's easier than trying to change yourself to win approval, and your mother-in-law should like you for who you are—just as you should do for her. Getting along with your mother-in-law doesn't mean you must like all the same things as her or share her values. Look for common ground, but embrace your differences too!