How to Get Along with New Step Siblings

Managing Conflicts with Your Step-Siblings

Calm down before you approach your step-siblings. If you are angry about something that one of your step-siblings has said or done, it is important to calm yourself down before you approach him or her. Otherwise, you may end up saying or doing something that you do not mean to, or even engaging in physical fighting with your step-sibling. You can use relaxation techniques to help yourself calm down, such as: Doing deep breathing exercises. Imagining a calm place, such as a sunny beach or a lush forest. Doing some relaxing yoga poses.

Address issues in a direct, assertive way. If you are upset about something that one of your step-siblings has said or done, then it is important to address the issue in a constructive way. You can do this by using direct, assertive communication. Simple things like arranging a time to talk and using “I” statements can help you to communicate more assertively with your step-sibling. Ask your step-sibling when would be a good time to talk. Try saying something like, “Hey, I have something kind of important to discuss with you. Do you have some time to talk after dinner tonight?” Use “I” statements when you share your concern. Using “I statements will help to take the focus off of you step-sibling and this may prevent him or her from becoming defensive. For example, you might say something like, “I felt a little hurt by what you said to me at school today. I heard you tell someone that I was ‘annoying’ and that hurt my feelings.” Avoid accusing your step-sibling of trying to hurt you. Just explain how the event made you feel. Focus on your perspective, not your step-sibling’s perspective.

Listen to your step-sibling’s side. After you have shared your feelings with your step-sibling, it will be your turn to listen. Make sure that there are no distractions by turning off the TV, closing your laptop, and putting away your cell phone. Use your body language to show you are listening, such as by facing your step-sibling, making eye contact, and leaning in towards him or her. You can also show you are paying attention by nodding your head and asking questions if something is confusing. For example, you might say something like, “It seems to me that you are saying you were annoyed by something I said this morning, but that you do not find me annoying. Is that right?”

Explain what you would like to happen in the future. After you have said what you are upset about and heard your step-sibling’s side, it is important to look towards the future. Your step-sibling cannot take back what he or she said. However, you can explain what you would like him or her to do in a similar situation in the future. For example, you might request that your step-sibling not talk about you to other classmates. Instead, you might ask your step sibling to tell you if he or she is feeling annoyed by something you are saying or doing so that you can make an effort to stop. Try saying something like, “The next time this happens, will you please talk to me about it first? I really want us to get along and I think that would help.”

Avoid getting physical or engaging in name-calling. Tempers might run high sometimes, but it is important to avoid engaging in any sort of physical fighting or name-calling with your sibling. Otherwise, the situation might become worse over time. Also, when people are angry they tend to feed off of the other person’s energy. To defuse your step-sibling’s anger, do not engage with them in the way he or she is engaging with you. For example, if your step-sibling starts to yell at you, then lower your voice and speak quietly. If your step-sibling comes towards you, take a few steps back to put distance between you. Doing these things will help you to get the upper hand and calm down your step-sibling in the process.

Building Relationships

Focus on yourself. Deep down, a lot of problems between step-siblings are based on competition, rivalry, and jealousy. It can be especially hard to get along if you think that your step-siblings get more attention or are treated differently than you. The best thing is to avoid this sort of comparison altogether. Keep in mind that your step-siblings might be used to doing things differently at their home or used to different treatment from their parents. You are not comparable to each other. Don’t be dismayed if your natural and step parent decide to do things slightly different for you and your step-siblings. You might continue to go to your old schools, for example, play different sports, or get different kinds of birthday gifts. Don’t mistake different for unfair treatment. But if you feel bothered by something – like maybe you feel discipline or chores are imbalanced – express yourself honestly.

Accept your biological parent’s new relationship to your step-siblings. Another possible source of rivalry is attention, especially attention from parents. Your biological parent will want to form a relationship with your new step-siblings just as your step parent will probably want to get closer to you. This might make you feel resentful or jealous. But remember: this is natural and you all have to get along. Remember that you don’t have the only claim to your natural parent’s time, love, and attention. You may already share these things with natural siblings – why not with others? Be assured that your parent won’t stop loving you. In fact, in many blended families parents recognize that they’ll stay closer to their own children and respect that. Your old relationship won’t go away, though it will have to change in some ways to include the new family.

Do things as a family. One way that you can get past feelings of rivalry is by doing things together, as a family. You’ll feel closer after spending some time as a unit, seeing how your step family interacts, and sharing some experiences. This will help to build connections between you. For instance, go to your step-siblings’ soccer practices, swim meets, or school plays as a family. Encourage the whole family to all come to your activities, as well. Try to have family dinners and use the chance to talk to your step-siblings about things that they care about, for instance, “So Eliza, I hear that you play the clarinet at school. What’s your favorite piece?”

Try to get to know your new siblings one-on-one. Building a family dynamic will help you and your step-siblings get along. You can also try to build personal connections by spending some time alone together. You don’t have to become best friends with your step sibling. But ideally, you’ll be able to get along politely and respectfully. Ask your step sibling to join you for a walk, bike ride, game of basketball, or some other activity. Use the opportunity to see what your shared interests are. Say something like, “So, Craig, what sort of stuff do you like to do in your spare time? Really? I like that, too.” If you go to the same school, say “Hi” in the halls or ask to sit with your step sibling at lunch in the cafeteria once in an while.

Maintaining Your Own Space

Ask to have your own room. Conflicts with your new step-siblings can also come from feeling that you don’t have enough privacy and personal space. Maybe you have been asked to split or share a room that used to be yours. Personal space is an important issue and may be something to raise with your natural parent. Some experts even advise that step-siblings should have separate rooms, if possible. Your parent might not think that sharing a room is a big deal. Explain what you are feeling openly and honestly, like by saying, “Dad, I just feel like uncomfortable. I don’t know X very well yet and need my own space.” Your parent and step parent might not have the money to get a bigger house. In that case, you might be able to find some kind of compromise. If your step-siblings only visit once in a while, for example, you can suggest getting a fold-out couch for their stays.

Talk about sharing. Sharing is a good thing. But, we sometimes need to have limits on what we’re willing to share. Like your room, you probably have clothes, toys, and belongings that are yours and that you don’t necessarily want to share with a step sibling. This is natural. Having boundaries on these things will help minimize problems with your new sibling. You shouldn’t be expected to share everything you own with step-siblings or to make everything communal property. If you’re going to share a room, talk to your natural parent (and maybe your step parent) about what can be communal and what you want to keep private. For instance, it would be hard to prevent your sibling from using a television or PC in a shared room. But you could ask that he or she not use your telephone or iPod. Talk to your parent, again, if you feel that your step sibling is overstepping bounds. For instance, “Mom, can you talk to X about “borrowing” my clothes? I don’t like it” or “Dad, X has been reading my diary and I want him to know that that’s private.”

Ask for some time alone. You and your step-siblings also shouldn’t have to spend all of your time together. You both need space, whether that means spending time with your own friends or having some private moments with your natural parent and siblings. Getting along will mean, sometimes, being apart. Your parents might ask you to include a step sibling in an outing with friends. This is OK, but speak up if you want some space every now and then: “Dad, I don’t mind when X joins us sometimes. But I also want time alone with my friends.” It’s also important to have time alone with your natural family, too. See if you and your dad or mom can run errands together once or twice per week, for example. Some step families even take separate vacations to get quality time together.

Blending the Family

Ask to be included in the process. There’s a good reason why people call step-families “blended homes.” It takes effort and compromise to meld together two families. Since you’re a member of the household, you might be able to have some say when your parents decide how things will run. Ask to be included in these discussions. Add your perspective when it comes to planning and rulemaking, especially if you are a bit older. You might also ask your biological parent if you can express your opinion, like “Dad, can I add my opinion, too?” Focus on compromising. While your perspective matters, it is also important to consider the perspectives of your step-siblings and try to reach a compromise. Try to imagine what your step-siblings’ needs are and how they might be feeling about the changes. For example, if your step-siblings moved in with you and your parent, then your step-siblings might be feeling uncomfortable about their new surroundings or even missing their old home.

Initiate family meetings. See whether you can hold a whole family meeting to set new family rules and chores so that everyone knows his or her responsibilities and no one gets extra consideration. Chime in at family meetings and don't be shy to share your thoughts or opinions. During the meetings, you should communicate openly. If you want to keep your old room, say so and give your reasons why. You may not get your way in the end, but it’s better that your family blending take in everyone’s perspective. You should also try to be respectful of your step-siblings and be a good listener during the family meetings. Remember that you’re trying to solve problems, not to win an argument. You will not get your way in everything – a new family takes compromise.

Accept your new “normal.” You’ll need a certain amount of acceptance in order to get along with your new step-siblings. Things in your family are changing and won’t be like they were in the past. While you can’t go back, you do have some say over how well your new family gets along. Don’t feel like you need to hit it off with your step-siblings immediately. But be open to forming relationships with them. Remind yourself that the family is your new “normal.” This may take some time and even a bit of mourning. That’s OK and it can take months or more to start to feel natural. Try to participate in new family routines. Eat dinner with your step-siblings, participate in family games and activities, and be open to relationships with your step family.

Find support systems. Though you may try to accept your new normal and your new step-siblings, you may still struggle with this from time to time. You should reach out to other family members and friends for support. Talk to a favorite aunt or uncle, speak to a cousin, or have a one on one with a close friend. Share your feelings and thoughts around having a new step sibling with your support systems so your emotions are not held in. This will allow you to release any anxiety or stress you may be feeling about the new changes in your household and get some support from others.

Keep your connection to your biological family strong. While blending, the focus is often on getting the two families to work together as a team. But this shouldn’t mean that your ties to your biological parent and siblings get ignored. Make sure that you are able to communicate with and remain close to your natural family members. You should still be able to talk with your biological parent sometimes without having to share with your step parent or step-siblings. Be clear when you need to do so, for example, “Mom, can we have a one-on-one discussion for a sec? I have something I want to say to you.” As said, ask to do things alone from time to time with your natural parent and siblings.